Does this sound wierd?

Question

I have been suffering with depression for a while now and am on anti-depressants that have been helping, to the point were my doctor thinks i am ready to have them reduced.

My problem is, for years i have been interested in reading about serial killers and finding out why they do the things they do. I am reading a book at the moment all about the American serial killer Richard Ramirez, and i have realised that i am getting too into this book, as i have found myself wishing i was one of his victims.

I now cant get the thought out my head and its scaring me. I am on a waiting list to see a counsellor but i have been told it wont be for at least another 4 months. I dont think i can go on like this and i cannot afford to see someone privately. HELP!

Answer 1

Maybe you need to talk to your doctor about NOT going off the medication until you see the counselor. You may be just panicking at the thought to going back to the way you were before your anti-depressants helped you. It is possible that you are just getting yourself worked up over the possibility of that one major change in your life. If it is causing you this much anguish, I hope that you doctor is understanding and can try to give you the medical help you need until you see a counselor.

It is a shame that it takes so long to get into someone who you can afford. It is that way where I live too. There is a six month waiting list for sliding scale fees. I cannot imagine what the waiting list is if a person cannot pay at all.

STOP reading books like that for a while. I realize it is not the books that caused your problem, but your mind does not need to go there now. Be careful what you watch on TV and what you read. I am a "crime" fan too and I found that getting new reading material has helped me. I also don't watch the same TV shows anymore either.

Good luck to you. Just hang in there.

Answer 2

hi there, my sincere advice to you is quit reading or even thinking about that book. Always remember you can never rationalize crap in life so plz STOP reading any similar books, u will go crazy. The only solution u have is take a warm shower or spend half an hour in tub. Listen to some soothing music and think of the most beautiful place u visited. Once you come out of that bath get busy with your life and PLZ dont read anything similar or even watch media cuz they will make u negative. Just meet people some nice down to earth people, work out and go help a patient at the hospital. Trust me your life will change. Everything is Fine and ALLAH Bless you.

Answer 3

I am glad to hear that you feel positive effects from your anti-depression medication! That helps a lot, doesnt it?

But pills cant do it all-- the next step is up to you in changing your perceptions.

Ok.. since you cant afford a councillor or therapist *right now* the first thing you could stop doing is dwelling on this negative fantasy. Whenever you catch yourself thinking about it, substituts a positive thought in its place. ( and please, get rid of that book!) A positive thought could be " I am happy to be alive". You could also look at a flower or tree and think about how amazing and beautiful that natural living thing is. You are also a beautiful and amazing person.

Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts. To balance or change those thought patterns, you can consciously *choose* not to dwell on the negative, but rather on the positive-- because.. positive thoughts attract more positive thoughts.

If you constantly beat yourself up with comparisons ( "I am not as beautiful as this magazine model") , Expectations ("I dont understand this ___-- I am stupid"), or Fears ("if so-and-so doesnt love me, I must be unlovable")-there is no room to change, grow or be happy . There is only sadness, disappointment and depression along that path. It is a horrible mental rut to be stuck in.
More beneficial to your mental health is focus on the positive side :
"I like myself"
"I may not understand now, but I can learn!"
"So-and-so doesnt love me--but I do, and so does (fill in the blanks with names of loving family and friends"

You can go to your local library, and do a bit of reading about the powers of positive thinking. We really do create our own realities by how we think. If we truly desire to change from negative to positive, we can.... it is amazing. It does require a bit of effort from ourselves, though.. no magic wand will suddenly change your character overnight. That's ok. Give yourself the gift of permission to try. After a short while, becoming positive becomes second nature. This doesnt mean that you will never have a negative thought again, it just means that you become aware of it when you do, and have the power to change if you so desire.

I wish you well-- Good luck!

Answer 4

I thought dogs were good for keeping people 'up'. What is the root-cause of your depression? Isn't there much you would like to do in your life? You seem young, it's a little early to think of your 'exit strategy', isn't it? My wife, as nine-year old girl, was attacked by a serial killer. She still has a scar in her hairline. I'm so thankful she survived, and so sad to see the whole industry of fame and respect that surrounds PATHETIC, USELESS MURDERING SCUM. Her attacker had already killed two nurses. It was a long time ago, he has since died in jail. If he hadn't, I'd have liked to find him, and give him a taste of unprovoked, unjustified violence.
Don't romanticise these sociopaths.
Find real reasons to live. Spread some happiness where you can. All my best to you.

Answer 5

First of all, stop reading the books. Look for something interesting and with a whole different, healthy outlook.
I think that serial killers have been romanticized in the media, and the horrors they cause tend to be downplayed, but wishing yourself a victim is terrible. It almost sounds to me like you may be suicidal, but don't want to do it yourself, like the "death by cop" phrase you hear about in the media.
It should not be impossible to change your outlook and your environment by choosing healthier inputs, ie happy, upbeat music, comedies, interesting but non-depressing books.
You really have to take action immediately, but start with your own actions. You sound terrified, but you can influence this by not exposing yourself to upsetting material.
Please feel free to e-mail me if you need someone to discuss this with. Good luck.

Answer 6

Yes & No to is it wierd.

Studies have found that women like books & films where they are the victim (as opposed to films & books where the man is the victim). So, what you are experiencing is a fairly normal expression / fantasy.

What is worrying is the use of the word 'wishing'. We all fantasise, but wishing to be a victim is a stronger expression of a fantasy. A fantasy is something that we can often contain and control - it is quite weak - wishing for something is somewhat stronger, and to me they look like early warning signs that I think you should take notioce of.

Answer 7

First, don't panic. Almost everyone has some crazy fantasy like that. Second, take a deep breath. Ask yourself why you wanted to be a victim. If that doesn't help, try writing a story from either the killer's or the victim's point of view. Maybe both.

Answer 8

What your having is a great interest in something which you're very interested in. Despite me being a 20 year old hip-hop listening Harrods employee i'm very interested in astrophysics and near death experiences. Maybe the depression hasn't totally left you yet in the back of your mind and combined with something that involves killing, this is likely to happen. Stay on the same dose of anti-depressants until you finish the book.

Answer 9

No, it doesn't sound weird. I think it indicates you are still depressed and are not ready to have your medication reduced. There is a phenomena called "suicide by police." The victim runs into a group of police officers and pulls a gun, and of course, they shoot him It is a passive way to commit suicide. I think your thoughts of being a victim are very similar. You are doing well enough, you don't want to kill yourself, but you want someone else to do it for you. It is a form of passive suicide. You don't want to kill yourself. You want to die. Why pick that method, I don't know. But don't make it worse by worrying about it. Go see someone. Tell them four months is too long. Ask them to work you in sooner.

Again, don't panic, okay. See your physician and ask him to not reduce your medication right now. Tell him about these thoughts. One problem is, when you have thoughts that you think are "crazy" you don't tell them to anyone, and that makes you feel more crazy. Talk to friends now.
Dr. J

Answer 10

You need to tell your doctor that you are NOT feeling better, and perhaps they will increase your medication dosage or change it. You have to tell the doctor how you feel, and don't read those type of books when you're depressed, read a trashy romance novel first, some thing that won't scare you, silly girl! Good luck to you.