I don't know how to deal with my ex-husband; we have a 2 year old together. Advice Please?

Question

He thinks I'm too strict. I think he's too lenient. We both feel like we can't get anywhere with the other. I email or call him to ask a question about something our daughter has been doing. I want to know if he's noticed it, and if so what he does about it. I also want him to know where I stand, and what I've done to try and correct the situation. He automatically thinks I'm accusing him of the actions. Even if I explain that I'm not accusing him of causing it. I just want to know if he approves of the action, or if he's trying to disciple her. Every time I try to talk to him we end up in a huge fight. He's incredibly sensitive, and according to him I'm incredibly insensitive. Of course neither one of us believes the other. I told him I wanted to find a way for us both to compromise and meet in the middle. He feels he's doing everything right. I feel the same way about myself, but I'm at least willing to meet him in the middle. He's not. I don't know what to do.

I left him in the first place because we could never agree on anything after we had the baby. I couldn't trust him because I caught him in so many lies. And he never helped me around the house or with the baby. Plus on top of all that he couldn't go without drinking beer every single day, and it made me sick. I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm just saying that we are complete opposites, and I don't know how to deal with him.

Answer 1

As long as your daughter is safe when she's with him, I'd stop worrying about trying to match parenting styles with him. Kids really can deal with different rules & expectations at different houses. Think of her time at dad's as time spent at a daycare center that you can't change.

Parent her as you see fit when she's with you. Instead of relying on rules & unnatural consequences, teach her values that apply not only to the time when she's with you, but throughout her life. Teach her to make good decisions for herself, not to follow rules in order to please someone (or avoid punishment).

Google the phrase "Parallel Parenting" to learn more about doing things this way. Nice article about it here: http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/articles/parenting.html

Answer 2

I am sorry. Every couple has differences in opinion on how to raise a child and it usually seems to balance out if they are both dedicated and caring. I guess since you are divorced it is no surprise you dont agree. It does sound like he cares, though, no? I mean he loves your child, no? You dont want the child exposed to this conflict anymore, so not sure if that is going on during phone calls which take his/your time away from child care. I guess I would lay off for a while and see if things get better. I mean two year old mainly need safety precautions, constant watching and lots of love and diversionary activities as well as good nutrition and sleeping routines. Try to not worry about what you cannot control and just enjoy her before the larger problems emerge ( dating, schoolwork, etc)

Answer 3

This is a tough situation. Good parenting requires consistency. A lack of consistency creates confusion and that can develop into a mess.
It's probably his drinking that is the biggest problem. Do you have any kind of leverage at all? Is he on parole or probation? It's a little late for mediation or arbitration, but maybe it would work if there were a third person you both respect.
Other than this, I predict that things will just get worse. Try to find a better father for her, someone who will love and support you as well.

Answer 4

I learned something from a class that I took a long time ago. You can control the space around you and THAT IS IT. I know how hard it is to have an ex that feels like you are attacking him but remember, what goes on at his house is his business. Ask yourself, is your daughter safe? Is there any reason (other than your feelings) that you feel like she should not be there? If not then let him have a life with her and understand that it does not include you. That does not mean that you never talk to him about stuff but, if you remember that then you can start to just be parents to the child and not exes.

Answer 5

If you are the one with custody then you are responsible for your child's up bringing, both you and your ex must come to some agreement for the sake of your child the last thing any child needs is mixed signals maybe you should be a little easier on the child and your ex to be a little firmer, but if he is drinking then you should never leave your child unsupervised with him after all a 2 year old can get into all sorts of mischief and if he is drinking when the child is around you have to ask your self is he capable of caring for her but please keep in mind that your daughter is only 2 years old

Answer 6

You two have to have a heart to heart and agree on how the raise the kids then stick with it. The worst thing for children is inconsistancy between the parents.....on another note since you added additional details where you brought up other things hes done that have nothing to do with your main post...im assuming that one of the reasons arguements never get resolved is because you bring up totally unrelated complaints durring the discussion...discuss the problem and only the problem if you want a resolution

Answer 7

Well, there's always family counseling, I suppose, with the counselor acting as a neutral third party to help you both reach a compromise.

The other option is to call, present the behavior/problem that you're seeing, and ask what he suggests, what way he would handle it. Then DO NOT tell him what you would suggest doing, or how you want him to handle it. Merely listen to his advice, say thanks, and choose to modify what you do (or not) based on his recommendations.

After a few times of this, you may find that he is more willing to discuss matters with you on a more level field than he is now.

No matter what you do, your daughter is going to grow up knowing that she is expected to behave a certain way at your house, and that she can act differently at Daddy's house.

Good luck!

Answer 8

as a divorced/remarried mom i am wondering why you are calling/emailing him to ask him questions. you said you think he is too lenient....so you call him to see what he does about it? that is like telling someone that they are ugly and then asking them for beauty advice. no wonder you are not getting anywhere with him. what i would do is raise my daughter the way i feel is right and realize that he has the choice to do what he feels is right. save the phone calls for the major decisions and problems. when you have a problem with her tell him as you drop off/ pick up and tell him what you are doing but let him make the choice of what he does with that information. if you keep doing this he will start to feel less defensive. just because he does things differently does not make him wrong. as long as he isn't hurting her then try to let it go.

Answer 9

Sounds to me like you have tried to deal with him and he is to self centered to care about anything else. If he is not willing to sit down and figure this out then here's what you need to do..You by the sound of it have custody of your daughter. Tell him what she is and is not suppose to do. Tell him how you punish her for doing it and that you would like him to follow those rules... I have a question for you. Your ex sounds like my ex. with the drinking all day everyday thing. Does he drink when he has your child with him? My ex did and I gave him the chance to not drink around the kids when he had them. He didn't think I had a right to tell him what to do. So I no longer let them go over. If he wants to hurt himself fine, but not my kids. I would die protecting my kids.

Answer 10

First of all, why did you marry him in the first place? I have been divorced and let me tell you...it isn't easy. You have to remember that you can not control what he does in his house just like he can't control what you do in yours. That was the first thing I had to realize in order to be civil with him. For your daughter's sake, don't start fights about her - she will know you are fighting about her. Kids are innocent in a divorce - try to remember that! Good Luck and God Bless.