am i being unreasonable??

Question

its my birthday soon and i am really upset that my husband has not made the effort we have 2 kids the youngest is 4 months i am on my own for 2 weeks at a time and when my friend offered and even booked us a nite away while she had our children my husband cancelled it. we have been together 12 years and got married 8 weeks ago. we didnt have a honeymoon coz of the kids i feel really unappreciated do you think i am wrong??

he said its because of time he only gets home for 3 nights which i do understand but we have had so much happen in the last 4 months i really felt we should have a night away. i dont have much help while he is away and when he comes home he is so tired from work that he dosnt really do much with the kids and it is hard work doing it all on my own.

Answer 1

Well without knowing what is going on in your husbands life its hard to tell.
Marriage is rumored to be "tough" and "you have to work at it".

The reason its tough is people are hard to coordinate, even if its only 2 people. That is the hard part. The "you have to work at it" part comes in the form of communicating.

It is soooo hard to bring up the feelings and issues we have as individuals within the group setting. No one wants to rock the group's boat, but by not illustrating yourself you are actually severely rocking your own boat and in turn the group boat ends up shaking too!!

I know its hard so maybe write him a letter saying you need to talk with him, the real him, about some things that have been on your mind. In this letter remind him he is your big strong compassionate man and you need him to be there for you, as your man.

Also let him know this is not a "beach session" or "tear him down nag fest". A little humor here goes a long way!!
Its ok to be serious for content and not so serious with delivery. Humor calms people and de-fuses the perceptions of a fight brewing. You simply need him and his brain and will talk with him whenever (today/tonight) he is ready.

Once you get your chance speak frankly and truely. Simply unleash your feeling in a non judging way. (Im worried you are distancing yourself, we had a chance at a honeymoon and it was cancelled. Why? What were you feeling? The cancellation made me feel unappreciated, which is making me feel concerned about my birthday, I want to be happy with you on that day. What can we do to make strides toward being more involved with each other again? I miss you.)

You can not let frustrations over take your focus or tone of voice. That would ruin the progress. Dont blame him, just as you did not blame anyone in your question. In your question you were simply getting it off your chest honestly and as interpreted. This is the aspect you (as a couple) are trying to expand.

If you approach him with the same honesty and concern as you did in the question you will already have made communicative progress. He will see and be inspired by such a geat change. Guaranteed he wants to get things off his chest too and you are just creating that forum for the both of you.

Now simply get down to the cooperating people you guys were but have temporarily lost. Maybe just hug for a lil while. Give em a good kiss.

You may need to remind him that there is only 2 types of communications;
"Bringing us together" and
"fighting/spreading us apart".
Your are working on this for the couple and you and he deserve the first type and you both can do it.

You seem to have the honesty and energy to make this a positive situation. Im sure your man wants to be in a happier relationship too. It just is very difficult to be the first one to unsellfishly bridge the gap.

Congratulations!!
Your a good and caring person! Im sure you will find the calm energy it takes to do this. Emotions are real and hard but they just take some working at.

Best Wishes and Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

depends why he cancelled it, of course - did it clash with his work schedule? Anyway, regardless of that, he should make some effort to recognise your special day, even helping the kids to make a card for you or something. With young kids sometimes you're running to stand still as they take up so much time and energy but, all the same, even a small gesture would show that he cares.
I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking for some recognition - maybe not the same effort as when you were both single and perhaps had more money. Perhaps he's reluctant to spend money on a night out as you have more expenses now, or doesn't want to spend money on a big present when you have household bills to pay. But at least a card, a bunch of flowers, breakfast in bed - they can all be easily done and mean so much to you.
Speak to him, say you'd like the kids to be involved in your birthday as you are both going to start family traditions that your kids will remember and pass on to their kids, so you want the children to recognise family birthdays as special events. Ask him to make the effort.
Good luck

Answer 3

No you are not wrong - tell your husband you need to feel loved, and he needs to pay attention to you.

What has he done for your birthday before? Is he a last minute person? Did you ask him why he cancelled the weekend away? Is it a money issue? If you are on your own for 2 weeks at a time, maybe he misses the kids and doesn't want to leave them again?

Talk to him - don't yell at him. Ask the question & discuss it.

Answer 4

No, you are not being unreasonable! Start making some demands! You need to feel precious and wanted, and gorgeous and loved up and to get that, sometimes you need time on your own! You need to be a lover, not 'just' a mum!

Why did he cancel the planned break? Sounds like my ex...I'd book weekends away and he would come and say 'I don't feel like going'. Soul destroying when you are trying to make an effort and after a time, you just stop bothering.

This is why he is my ex. Don't let your husband make himself an ex!

Answer 5

You arent being unreasonable you deserve a break and some quality time together.
Maybe you both should have a discussion about his hours. Maybe he can transfer or change jobs to be at home after work. Was the cancelled trip a money issue? Maybe you can get a nanny.

Answer 6

Not at all! He has no excuse for cancelling something that your friend very kindly set up for you! Does he not want someone else looking after your children? Otherwise, he is just being mean! Maybe you need to have a talk with him and establish why he no longer wants to make the effort. Maybe you should go away with your friend for a girls weekend and leave him holding the baby!

Answer 7

No. People's needs in marriage must be met or the result is misery.
There is such a thing as neglect. Your husband had no right to cancel your trip. Protest, yes; cancel, no. You're an adult, not a child. Don't mistake jealousy for love. It's not the same thing. Love is generous and giving.
Get it through his skull that you feel neglected. You may have to argue over it. If he refuses to change, consider a divorce.

Answer 8

No way! You are right to be upset about this.
Your husband should make an effort to treat you to something special occasionally, especially on your birthday!

You don't deserve to be treated like this. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and ask him why he has been treating you this way - push untill you get the truth!
Give him a chance to explain, there might be some issues on his mind causing him to act this way.
But if he isn't willing to treat you right, I think it is time you move on and find someone worthy of you.

Please don't settle for this. Make a life for yourself where you will be happy.

Good luck. x

Answer 9

Gutted! Why did he cancel it? It would have been an ideal opportunity to have that little honeymoon you never had. If i was you i would ask him why he cancelled it. Most men would have jumped at the chance for a night away with his misses and no kids..............

Answer 10

I do think its unreasonable of your hubby not t want to go away for a weekend with you!..

Are you happy with the rest of your life? if so tell your hubby that you are going to plan another weekend away and that HE will be coming with you or else!. If your not that happy leave hubby at home with the kids and you and your friend go and have a good time, by the time you get home hubby will have seen the error of his ways and fall at your feet beging your forgiveness.