I am about to marry my g/f; who has got a sister with down syndrome. She wants to be her legal guardian.?

Question

My girl friend wanted me to know that after her parents pass away she wants to take care of her sister who has got down syndrome. I think this would cause a lot of problems in our future relationship after her parents pass away. Specially now that I would love to have kids myself. She got very upset when I told her that we would take care of her, but not by her moving in with us, because she needs to be suprvised 24/7and I am not sure if I we can provide that for her. She thought that I was very insensitive we had a major argument over this. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Hey...give the guy a break. At least he is honest. I mean you never know the strain of someone that needs 24/7 care. At least he is talking about it before the wedding.

Answer 2

This is a tough one. You're reaction is actually more logical than your GF thinks. If you have 2+ kids, that's a handful already, then to take on someone who needs full time care as well, that's a lot! However, realize too that your GF saw her parents handle this and she wants to be just as brave and courageous. Suggest that you will back her up no matter what she wants to do and perhaps when that time comes you might suggest bringing in some help so that the load isn't too much. The sister should live with you and maybe a nanny-type that can be there for the family too. That would be my solution/compromise.

Answer 3

OK, I'm the parent of 2 children, a son with autism, and a typical daughter. I agree with your g/f entirely, you were horribly insensitive.

You need to read up on children with disabilities, and you also need to read up on their relationships with their siblings. My daughter knows that when her dad and I pass away, her brother becomes her responsibility. I know--because she and I have discussed this--that she won't even CONSIDER any type of serious relationship with any man who cannot accept her brother in their life, however that involvement will be. This isn't fair to her, I know that, and she knows that. But her brother having autism isn't fair either, and your girlfriend's sister having Downs isn't fair either. Life isn't fair, and families of special needs children know that all too well.

You also need to realize, your girlfriend's been protecting her sister her WHOLE LIFE from judgemental people. People have said horribly cruel things about her sister to her over the years. I know my daughter is a little extra sensitive to anything ANYONE says about her brother. She will blow at the slightest hint of someone disparaging him. I'm sure that's what caused the fight between you 2, she took everything you said as just another jerk attacking her sister for something that's not her fault.

If you seriously think it would cause problems with you and your girlfriend, then you have no business marrying her, much less having children with her. Besides, you do realize Downs has a genetic background....your girlfriend has a much greater risk of having a child with Downs than the average person. I don't know what the statistic is for Downs, but I'll bet if you do some research, you could find it.

However, I can also speak as a parent here. I am wanting to alleviate the burden on my daughter as much as I can. My son is higher functioning, so hopefully he'll be able to live somewhat independently. They're still teens, so it's hard to imagine what he'll look like as an adult, but my wish is that he can live somewhat independently. There are also group homes for adults with Downs syndrome, etc. But you have to be careful, because some of them are basically glorified nursing homes.

I would suggest to you to do some research on Downs syndrome, especially in adults. I'm sure your girlfriends parents could be a great resource as well. Maybe all 4 of you should sit down here, tell her parents that you'd like to marry their daughter, but you and she are concerned about her sister. There may be plans set in place that your girlfriend isn't even aware of here, there may not be. I wouldn't make any rash decisions without all the knowledge you need, and right now I don't think you have even half of it.

Answer 4

You are right to bring this up. It's a serious committment, and you two need to come to an agreement in this issue. I don't think you're out of line here; I know I would not go for it. There are government programs that assist the disabled (including housing and medical care), perhaps you can do some research and find out what the options are. Someone I know is mentally ill, and she lives in a facility where they supervise her and care for her 24/7; her parents are nearby, and visit often. There is no shame in having the disabled person taken care of while still having a life of your own. I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think I'd be marrying someone if this was on the table.

P.S. I don't think you're being "insensitive", I think you're being realistic. Of course, real life itself can be cruel and insensitive sometimes.

Answer 5

Good for you for discussing this BEFORE you get married. But I'll tell you what, if you make her choose, she will probably choose her sister. She was her sister long before she was your girlfriend and clearly there is a strong bond between them and a great deal of love. If this is an issue with you, than you should not get married...it wouldn't be fair to any of you.

As the mom to a child with Down syndrome, I think your girlfriend is a remarkable person. She is so self-less and wants to be sure her sister is cared for and lives a good life....pretty decent qualities in a person, I'd say.

And while I may find your opinion to be insensitive, you have every right to not want this for your life...but decide now and stick to your decision. Don't drag it out or think the problem will go away. It would not be fair to tell her "yes" now, get married and then down the road change your mind or be resentful.

Good luck...and God bless your girlfriend!

Answer 6

Your girlfriend has reason to be upset, she LOVES you and her sister and wants the best for both of you. It is very honorable for your girlfriend to accept that she will be legal guardian to her sister with down syndrome. It is her sister and family, know that the sister is a package deal, and both go together. It will NOT be as difficult as you think, there are many services for people with Down Syndrome, and she can attend school year round. Plan everything out for the best. Turn things around, how would you feel if your girlfriend reused to accept your brother or sister, very upset. Do NOT let this get in the way of your relationship or marriage. Send your girlfriend one long stem red rose with baby's breath telling her you LOVE her. Work out the situation and make the best of it, it is NOT worth loosing the LOVE of your life. Best Wishes!

Answer 7

Family is extremely important don't get me wrong but when you get married you still have your family but you put them on the back burner (so to speak) and start your own life, possibly even starting your own family. I think it is great that she wants to take care of her sister but she has to realize that you don't have the same compassion and love as a blood relative would. You should be supportive of her sister and care for her the best that you can but not if it requires you sacrifice your own relationship and future. When in a relationship your spouse is first, then your children, then your family. Adding her sister to the equation would be very stressful on the relationship and just like when it comes to caring for aging parents your spouse and kids usually get left to the side with the needs of the aging parents getting meet before your own. If you don't put each other first and work on your relationship together everyday then you won't be any good for each other (or your kids) and shouldn't even continue in a relationship. Help with what you can with the sister...financially, emotionally, etc. but care for your own household first, don't do anything that is gonna effect your spouse, yourself, or even your future children.

Answer 8

Understand that to you this is a burden, but to her it is her sister. She would never want to turn her over to someone who would not care for her the way she will. I think it is admirable and should tell you a lot about what kind of mother she would be to your children. I see how this would change the dynamics of your relationship, but try to see this from her perspective. Read up on Down's and maybe attend some support groups so you get a better idea of what life is like with a special needs child. While they may demand a lot, then are truly special because they give absolute unconditional love and only want to please. Your fiance is awesome!

Answer 9

wow! this is a serious question. its good that you both are being honest about what you want and feel. are her parents old? or young enough that you know they will be around for quite a while?

Taking on a down syndrome relative is like taking on another child (but it depends on how serious it is) some people can learn to take care of themselves.

if this person does require 24/7 care, will you be able to afford it? who is going to do the baby sitting? her or hire someone? you are right to bring this up now before its too late. your girl friend also needs to stop and think about how much this will require .. i understand she loves her sister and all but she does need to stop and think how this will affect your life when you are married too.

i wish you the best...just be strong and take the time to sit and talk it out with her. maybe, when you can research placed that can take care of her and teach her little things so she can take care of herself. it doesnt mean you dont care about her...

good luck to you both..

Answer 10

This is something you two definitely need to agree on before marriage. This is her sister. I totally see where you're coming from but rather than paying for her sister to live somewhere strange you can have her stay with you but pay for someone to come and help you out in caring for her. If it's approached in the right manner this won't be a problem and it's good for your future children to grow up with someone different around them. They'll have more respect and understanding. I don't think you're insensitive on this matter, I think you're scared though and concerned and that's perfectly normal. I do agree with her though, she is her sister, this is family...blood and if you can afford to pay for her to live in a facility then you can certainly afford to have her live in your home with some assistance. I hope you two are able to work things out and wish you the best of luck!

Answer 11

Don't marry your gf if she insists upon being her sister's guardian. If you think it is going to be a problem, it probably will be, break things off now and find someone else. You can't expect your gf to choose between you and her sister - either way you lose. I know my response will seem insensitive to most, but you have got your own sanity to think of and if you can't handle the idea now, it won't get better later.