How do you divide household chores?

Question

My husband and I both feel like we do the majority of the work taking care of the house. How do other couples divide up housework so that it's more even? We try things like whoever does not cook does dishes, but my husband will 'do the dishes' still leaving 1 or 2 things on the counter, not wipe down the stove or counter or sink and I end up cleaning up after his cleaning. I've never seen him clean a toilet in his life even when he claims to have 'cleaned the bathroom'. I suppose I should feel grateful for the bit he does, but I end up just feeling like I have to 'finish' everything. I even tried once for a week only picking up after myself to see how long it took him for his messes around the house to make him crazy, he didn't notice so after a week I ended up cleaning everything again. We've tried talking about this but like I said he claims he feels like he already does all the work. . what do we do?

Thank you all for your answers, I disagree with a lot of them. I don't 'nag' what I've done is keep quiet and finish the job to my standards (or simply finish the job at all) this has built up resentments - a marriage is a partnership and it's not unreasonable for me to expect my husband to help with the chores that affect the family and/or simply pick up after himself. my search for help on this topic, I found this rather helpful article if anyone is interested
http://life.familyeducation.com/marriage/jobs-and-chores/45600.html

Answer 1

I am a stay at home mother, so I do the majority of household chores. But, my husband does help out when he is home. If there is something that needs done, he will most likely do it. I am a bit of a neat freak, and my opinion of clean and his are two different things. But, I do not complain to him about it. If he cleans up a certain room, but I would like it done the in way I like, I quietly finish up. I don't want to take away from his efforts by telling him it was not good enough. I also try to do it once he is out of the room so that my re-cleaning doesn't make him feel that way. I think that you and your husband have the same different views of clean as my husband and I do. If you will only consider a room clean in the way you like it, then you have to do it yourself. You can't expect him to do things your way. But, if he is not cleaning at all, then you need to set up a list of chores for both of you, then he will know what is his responsibility and if it is not done, he cannot claim so.

Answer 2

With all due respect, if you are keeping score, you are going to be miserable; bet on it.

We divide according to strengths and preferences, and I don't measure who does how much. We agree on what is a 'complete task' on each chore, and whomever does it, has to do it that way. Sometimes we switch off; if he cooks, I clean up. No he's not perfect on that job, but I'd rather spot check behind him than do all of it.

Dishes and toilets are not the foundation of your life, work around it, if you fight about this little stuff, when something major comes along, you will not have the patience to get through it the way you should. If he feels nagged about not wiping the counter, he will be defensive when he forgot to do something like renew the car insurance. Understand?

It isn't a picnic, but love doesn't keep score. If you have to be right all the time, you will never be happy. When something of consequence goes wrong, he's going to have no patience for the nattering. If he's bad in the kitchen, you do it. If he's cleaning the bathroom, that includes the toilet. Be funny and non- confrontational. Don't be a whiny witch, and he won't either.

Love each other, and that's not always easy. But it is fun.

Answer 3

You have to understand men and women see things very differently. What may look clean to him may not to you. Let him continue to do his part that way he knows how. Instead of complaining to him on how he's doing things, let's say when he does the dishes and doesn't wipe the counter and leaves some items behind, tell him so. "Look honey, you forgot to wipe the counter and you left this behind, etc. Can you please do it now while I (find something to do)." That way he'll know that you won't be able to finish it for him because you have something else to take care of at that moment. Then when he's done thank him for being so thoughtful and helpful.

Unfortunately thats the problem with some men today. Not their fault. They are brought up not being taught how to do these things properly because they are "boys." If you've never seen him clean a bathroom ask him to help you and both of you can do it together. That way he can see what needs to actually be cleaned and what details he needs to pay attention to.

Don't get upset with him, just show him. Don't let this little thing put a damper on your marriage. Time will help.

Answer 4

Chances are he does the outside things...yard work, cleaning cars, vehicle maintenance.....right? Be thankful he cleans the kitchen, even if it means picking up one or two things he left behind. I am one of those who has to have everything a certain way (chalk it up to hereditary OCD) but I am learning that I would rather have some help (he does laundry, cooks, makes the bed, etc) than none at all because I don't want to have to start doing yardwork!

Answer 5

probably you are putting too much emphasis into the cleaning. It does not matter who does what, once it gets done in our house, sometimes i KNOW i do everything and there are times i know i do nothing. We both have to remember that we are 2 different people and he could never clean like I would. If he chooses to do something, it's up to him. If he is to tired, no biggy, i'll handle it. That way, no one feels pressured after coming home from a hard day's work to CHORES. take it easy, probably if you lead, he'll follow.

Answer 6

Wish I knew how to answer you. We don't divide. I didn't do dishes for 3 weeks, waiting for my fiance to wash them. We even discussed the mess in the kitchen. After 3 weeks, I gave up and washed them. I was sincerely pissed off. I have the same problem with the laundry. All I ask if for everyone in the house who needs clean clothes to take them to the bathroom where the washer is. In all sincerity, it's all of 3 steps away from the two bedrooms. Where do I find his clothes??? Behind our bedroom door. I DO NOT wash his clothes because of this. After he finally runs out of socks or underwear, then he brings the dirty ones for me to wash or he just does it.

I'm at the point that I just do it all now. If he does it, then just like you I end up walking behind him cleaning up his so-called clean area.

I know it sounds like I'm just being lazy with the laundry, etc. BUT! I work 9 hours a day, plus drive an hour to get to work and to home, I cook all the meals because no one else knows how to, I am the one who takes the kids to school and picks them up after work, I am the one who looks after our pets, plus I drive the kids around to all their after-school activities. Damn! Think I've just talked myself into a "household / mom strike". Wish me luck!!!!

Answer 7

I know exactly what you mean but have had to learn to stop myself from "supervising" his cleaning. If you want him to help wholeheartedly you need to stop criticizing his skills and abilities. If there are certain areas which you just can tolerate his level of clean then always do that room or whatever. Otherwise, around my house we take days - and yes when it's his day and he leave something out or around or whatever I walk by and keep going. He may improve as time goes on and it does help if you praise what he's done (wow the sink looks sparkling! or the floor is spotless - even when there are a ton of things on the counter!). There are seven days - Friday we order out and have to throw away our own mess, etc. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 8

Listen to a little story.

When my ex-h complined that "he didn't like the way I cook because it was not like his mom's" I stopped cooking for him altogether. I'm not exagerating when I said that I didn't cook for 7 years and he ended up cooking for the family.

When my boyfriend complained that "the towels need to be folden lenght wise andnot in quarters" I stopped doing his laundry and folding his clothes. He now whines and gives me the puppy face when he says that he "misses" me taking care of him and doing his laundry and that he "appretiates me and what I do" TOUGH kadoodles!... I'm not touching his flipping laundry again. If is not up to his "standards", then he can do it himself and be happy doing it the way he wants to.

Now, after you read my story, be grateful that your husband DO help you around the house. Appretiate the feact that he is contributing in the chores. Many women do not have that luxury and they are maids to their lazy men. You husband DOES help you, be grateful and thank him and do not complain for the dish the he left, or else be in danger of him not doing the dishes again. Stick the dish in the dishwasher and count the blessings in your marriageeveryday.

Good luck

Answer 9

Sounds like me....
I've accepted the fact that my hubby has and never will clean as good as me. I usually do most of the house cleaning and laundry while he watches the kids. He gets the whole outside. Mowing the grass, keeping the garage somewhat clean, shoveling snow, car maintenance, etc.
He will pitch in and "clean" the house his way when he knows I don't have time or I'm getting mad about it not being done.
It works our way, I guess.

Answer 10

OK....first of all....your husband is not you, I learned long ago that because something bothers me that makes it a priority for ME...doesnt nescesarily make it a priority for anyone else. If you want him to help around the house then you are gonna have to accept the chores he does the way he wants to do them....if you dont like the way he does it, then do it yourself and stop complaining. We split the housework according to who is good at what. She doesnt like the way I do laundry so she does it, shes not a good cook so I do it. Its not really so tough.