Do you consider acts of controlling and manipulative people as a subtle way of emotional abuse?

Question

I got a message from one guy here, who tells me that I have no right to say that I feel abused unless I have brooses on my face or broken bones. He says that if someone punishes you with silence and walks away from conversation it's a sign of maturity. Personally, I think he has no clue. For several reasons: 1) you can not compare people and "who suffers more, and who less", "who has the right to feel down and who does not"; 2) some forms of abuse are subtle, but damage your self-esteem. There is a difference between being whiny or being manipulated in a relationship and sad. What do you think? I hate it when people are trying to define your reality for you.

Answer 1

I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM TO BE A LONG ANSWER BUT I WANTED YOU TO READ THIS STUFF AND JUDGE FOR YOURSELF.


Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}

1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.

2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.

5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.

6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.

7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.

8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.

These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}

The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy.

The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"

A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.

Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.

A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.

Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.

Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.

Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant.

Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.

Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.

Answer 2

You are right. We all suffer differently. What would be miserable to me, may not be to you or may be worse for you. I can't tell you how you should feel. Yes, I believe being manipulative and controlling is a form of emotional abuse too.

Although at the same time, you can't take what someone on here said so seriously either. It is annoying when people are trying to define you, but if you didn't put it out there they wouldn't be trying. You can never really know the whole situation when someone puts a problem on here, so most people put their own personal experiences into the answer. It's human nature.

I just read your other question. Based on your conversation, that wasn't abuse. That was a silly argument. You need to pick your battles. It seemed he was in a bad mood and he was probably smart to walk away and stop arguing over something so petty before he said something he couldn't take back. You need to stop trying to analyze every disagreement. Trying to find the hidden meaning. Let it go. If you are looking to call something abuse eventually you will find the technical definition of it, but you also have to be realistic too. We are humans and as 2 different humans, you will never agree on everything. Just because you thought he couldn have handled himself better (and yes he could have but he didn't), that doesn't make it abuse.

Although after reading some more of your questions it seems like you are just generally unahppy and so is he. You are not getting along right now. Only time will tell if you can save your marriage, but it seems like you are both at the point of giving up. He's annoyed with you and you are annoyed with him. Maybe seperate for a while to see if you even want to be together anymore.

Answer 3

Yelling in your face would be inappropriate for a teacher, for sure, and is a very easy "did it happen or not" question to answer during teacher discipline. The other complaints you have are more subjective, but if they are true then the teacher has been way out of line. You can report him to an administrator and talk about what has happened. Don't stress too much about it though, personally. Your time with the teacher is over, and it sounds like you're committed enough to music to do well in college or privately in the future. Let the past go, after you've reported inappropriate behavior that might hurt later students, and move on without letting him ruin your next couple years like he has the last couple.

Answer 4

Emotional abuse is subjective. I personally would not consider manipulation to be emotional abuse because you have a choice and if you allow the person to manipulate you then it is entirely on your own shoulders. Again, you choose how you allow someone else to treat and talk to you. If you stick around or decide not to stand up for your self then you demonstrate to that person that you accept their behavior.

When I think of emotional abuse I see someone telling a loved one "I love you but you are worthless and no one but me will ever love you". I agree with the other guy, silence and walking away is not emotional abuse. It might be a passive aggressive approach though.

Answer 5

Given the one incident you described (I read the other posting), its impossible to say whether or not you are being abused. Since, as an abuse survivor I've heard a lot of different definitions for abuse. But basically they all refer to a pattern, or repetition, of one person using physical and emotional means to frighten, manipulate, control and/or hurt another person.

And if I read the reply correctly, he wasn't saying you had to have bruises for it to be abused, just giving you an example of a more abusive situation.

In the phone incident, I'd say he was being childish, though he has every right to 'not want to talk' about it, just as you have every right to respect that fact, but insist on a time when you two can talk about it. Since I only heard the one incident, I don't know if he was having a bad day, or if is often childish, or if this was just one example of a continued pattern of abuse.

If you feel it is abuse, however, I would try to get in to a counselor who is trained in dealing with abuse situations (not all are) so they can help you determine whether or not it is abuse, and what to do about it.

But since you do mention abuse, let me share a few things:

There tends to be a cycle of abuse, things will be nice and calm for a while, and then tension builds, and then the explosion happens, then you go back to what many call the 'honeymoon' phase since it usually includes apologies and and sweet-talking etc. and things are good for a bit, but it keeps cycling. Many people call it the crazy-making cycle, because it literally makes the victims feel like they are going crazy. They tend to feel like they have to tip-toe, never knowing when the next explosion is going to come. Then they (and everyone else it appears) see this wonderful person from the honeymoon stage and they can't believe that the monster from the explosion is the same person.

Emotional/Psychological abusers manage to get into your psyche in many subtle ways, often convincing their 'victim' of things such as the talents and things the victim thought they did well, they actually don't, and that the things the victim can't do well, are really the victim's talents, making the victim feel like 'if this is the best I can do....' thus lowering their self esteem without even having to resort to the name calling (which many of them do anyway.)

IT IS ABUSE! Because it is so subtle, it is harder to 'prove' but it is very real!

I was married to an abuser for 3 1/2 years. I've now been out for 3 now. I've done the counseling, I've done the classes, I've tried to let go/forgive all that nonsense, and I continue to make progress. But his voice is this tape that keeps playing in my head at times. I don't see the bruises he left on me, I hear the insults. Since I no longer see him, the fear of him beating me is gone. But the self-esteem and confidence he took from me is yet to fully return. I was physically, emotionally, sexually, economically, verbally, you name it, (even spiritually) abused. Believe me, you don't need broken bones and bruises to feel abused. And those broken bones and bruises heal up much quicker than any of the other damage abuse causes.

And for anyone that dares argue, think of it this way: Take those abuse victims who are covered with bruises and left with broken bones, who then get out and somehow survive becoming one of the statistics of partners killed when trying to leave such a situation. It's not those bruises that leave them feeling victimized years later, its the fear. It's the emotional abuse that went with the physical abuse.

When I left my situation and started learning about what constitutes abuse, I was amazed. I bet 95% of people do one thing or another that could be considered abuse depending on how the person on the receiving end chooses to take it.

The real keys to look for is the frequency, how it makes the person feel, and what the intents are, (careful with that one because victims and abusers can justify away any/all of the abusers actions).

Answer 6

being emotionally abused is abuse no matter what anyone says,,it is usually damaging because it is snuck in under the cover of caring,,making you feel you need help where you dont,,that you are incapable of making decisions,that others take advantage ,,but not them of course,,they are just looking out for you. the trouble with this kind of abuse is it slowly chips at your self esteem and confidence until you even start to question your own judgment,are you really right about this,,better ask the b/friend,husband.after a while you find even the simplest of judgment calls get you into trouble,,you had no right to do that without consulting the abuser who feels their control may be slipping.(i do love the old line tho,," dont go out tonight,,i miss you when you go out") it always starts somewhere and this is usually the place,eh

Answer 7

Um, I went back and read your question (with exact dialogue) about the conversation you and your husband had when he didn't want to answer the phone.

If that's what you're referring to, the answerer didn't say anything about you having to have bruises and broken bones. He pointed out (quite correctly) that your husband's actions while childish and not very nice do not constitute abuse.

He acted like a jerk, then didn't want to talk about it and walked away.

Do you think it would be fair for him to be on here saying 'My wife knew I wanted to be alone and didn't want to talk, and she kept pestering me, she is an Abuser!'

Of course not.

Every time the definition for domestic abuse gets 'dumbed down' it actually hurts real victims of domestic abuse. If everyone subscribed to the notion that domestic abuse was nothing more than one spouse 'not talking' to another spouse, then no-one would take it seriously, and this would in turn enable and empower real abusers to terrorize their victims with no fear of consequence.

This is not to say that your husband is in the right at all. He obviously is in the wrong on that instance, by taking out his irritation with his friend on you and giving you attitude. Moreover he's not treating you with love and respect and as a result the marriage is on shaky ground, so it's a real problem.

But it's not going to solve that problem by name-calling him an abuser when he's not.

Answer 8

Abuse is abuse is abuse. It doesn't always have to be physical. It can also be emotional and sexual. If you are in a situation where you are being abused in any way, get out, leave, go somewhere, do something. There are shelters that can protect you against abuse. You do not deserve to be abused nor does anyone else. Good luck.

Answer 9

There is such a thing as emotional abuse, and it can be devestating to a person. To mess with a person's mind is also abusive and cruel.
A sign of maturity? Buffalo chips- that's manipulative.
If you can find it, get a book titled "The Emotionally Abused Woman" written by Beverly Engels. It's really good for either gender. It actually hands the reader the nuts and bolts to help them figure out just what exactly is going on...and why, and also how to stop it from recurring.
It lists several "types" of abusers, and is really pretty thorough.

Answer 10

First of all nobody has a right to tell anyone how they should feel.Everyone has a right to have their own feelings.And in answer to your question yes control & manipulation is a form of abuse.There are many forms of abuse besides physical.And very honestly emotional abuse can scar a person much worse then physical abuse most of the time because emotional wounds take much longer to heal.Best Wishes to you.