Do we separate after 25 years?

Question

My husband has an explosive temper and easily gets into bad moods. After 25 years, 3 children and 3 countries, I have eventually realised that he is not going to change. I am really scared about leaving though, as he has always been the main wage earner. Our house is not in a very sellable condition right now as many projects have been started and not finished... Also, I don't have any relatives here to help out and my youngest still has 3 more years of highschool . Is there a right or wrong way of doing this? Can I ask him to leave?

Answer 1

you're in a tight spot, no doubt! has it been 25 years of hell or has he recently gotten out of control?

you have no family nearby, but do you have friends? maybe ask your pastor, if you go to church?

you can file for divorce and ask the court to make him leave your home via restraining order. however, that is sure to inflame the situation, so be sure he is not the murderous, vindictive kind. if he is, then you probably want to be the one to leave.

you don't give enough info and because the laws vary so much from state to state, it's probably best if you visit a lawyer on the quiet to see what you can do and what help may be out there.

good luck!

Answer 2

Being scared because your husband is the main wage earner should not be the issue. First of all, you could ask him to move out of your house. Although you don't work; you are entitled to half of everything, even the house. Since you still have a minor child it is likely you would be able to keep the house in the divorce settlement. If not, you would be required to sell the house and whatever is left after paying off the mortgage would be split between the two of you. Since you haven't worked, he would have to pay alimony at least until the divorce is final. You can also make him pay the attorney fees. If you are in physical danger; get a protective order. But if you get one you have to be strong enough to call the police if he violates that order. Even though you don't have relatives in the area; I'm sure you have friends. If not, consider moving closer to your family during this trying time. Go out and get yourself a part-time job. You will feel better about yourself and it will give you a chance to save up some money. Put back any extra money in a secret account. If you do decide to ask him to leave; make sure you have back-up when you do this. Don't put yourself or your children in harms way. If you don't have a mutual friend to be with you; ask your preacher or a neighbor so you will have a witness if things go bad. Good Luck. Just remember; life is short and it isn't meant to be unhappy.

Answer 3

You can ask him to leave and file for a divorce, but he may not want to leave the home. You could look into renting a home or an apt. and then ask that he buy you out of your half of the home. If he leaves the home, then you will have to refinance the home and buy him out, thus paying him half of the equity in the home. If he has a bad temper, then it may be easier to just take the kids, your belongings, some furniture and find a new home. Save up some extra money and then go file for divorce. He will have to pay child support and possibly alimony if you do not work. He will not change.

Answer 4

If he's violent or physically/verbally abusive, then you need to tell someone. If it's simply that he has a bad temper and yells, not necessarily violently, then I'd say try to stick it out at least until your kid is out of high school. Also, you didn't mention, have you been to counseling? Even if he will not go, you and your kids attending can make an improvement in the marriage. Just be careful who you go to, because many psychologists and therapists will simply tell you to leave, no questions asked. You're looking for someone who will work with you to keep the marriage together until you really just can't anymore.

Answer 5

YOU should absolutely ask him to leave. Do NOT leave the marital home.... (**Unless of course you fear for your physical safety, then by all means don't think about staying right now)

BUT..BEFORE you give him any kind of "heads up" or ask him to leave, you need a lot more information and prepare yourself.
What state do you reside in? Divorce laws differ from state to state.

His explosive temper is NOT acceptable. It is HIS problem and he apparently doesn't have enough respect for you to take care of it. Period. HE is responsible for his own actions... I don't care WHAT anyone else says or does, HE chooses his own reactions and noone but HE is responsible for them.

I'm sure you're scared of the "unknown" but you will find that it's not as scary as you thought it would be and you CAN get a lot of assistance that you absolutely should take advantage of.
Don't worry about things until you have to worry or you'll just waste a lot of time. Take things one step at a time... Plan, Plan, Plan....

Are you capable of finishing any of the home projects yourself? If so, concentrate on doing that if you can too. If not, a judge may require him to hire someone if need be to get the projects completed by a certain date so the marital home can either be sold (if that's your agreement) or he make it liveable for you. Especially if this is another reason for the downfall of the relationship. All of that would depend a lot on if you reside in a "No Fault" state or not. Do you reside i a community property state? These are all the things you need to know.

Most attorneys will give you a free consultation or at least a half hour to hour consult for about $50.... Just call a few that specialize in Family Law/Divorce and inquire. There is also a ton of good information for you on the internet. Type the words "Divorce in the state of....." into your search browser and browse a bit.

If your youngest child will reside with you then you will receive a child support order to assist you. You may also ask for spousal mantainence and you WILL be entitled to half of his retirement from now on.... Even if he switches careers, gets remarried one day and opens a new 401k.

There is a lot to know to be able to protect yourself and ensure you aren't treated unfairly.

You're welcome to email me privately and I'd be happy to help you find the info and help that you need. (**I allow personal email...click on my Avatar photo to get you to my profile page with a link to my email)

You'll be O.K.... Just be smart about things and educate yourself before you do anything... It will only benefit you.
And remember, even if you change your mind, you'll at least be educated, prepared and be a step ahead.

***PS... DON'T ever make the mistake of talking to his attorney when/if things go that far. His attorney will pretend to be your best friend to get you to "talk" and agree to things. Don't do it...Don't fall for it....

Answer 6

Obviously you're not ready to end your marriage since you keep making excuses. I didn't have ANY relatives where we lived yet I split from my ex husband. My daughter had TWO years left of highschool yet I split from my ex husband. Our house wasn't worth what we paid for it when we moved there yet I split from my ex husband. He was pretty much the wage earner, making $100,000.00 a year yet I managed to split from my ex husband. We were married 25 years, yet I split from my ex husband. The reason? He was verbally and emotionally abusive and had a temper that was more and more uncontrollable, showing signs of physical abuse. Two years after we seperated I packed up a u-haul truck by myself and moved back to my homestate of California, by myself. If you're going to leave him you're going to first have to stop making up excuses.

Answer 7

Your life is going to be worse once he figures out that you want out of the marriage. So, you need to make up your mind to do something for you and your child to stay safe. You deserve to be happy after giving up your life for somebody whose been ungrateful all this time. When he finds out, he'll do all he can to threaten you, try to get your sympathy, cry, or whatever to keep you from making a move. It won't last and he'll make you regret telling him about your thoughts. No one has to tell you that it won't be easy for a long while after making the step, but it's up to you to actually get something done. Be Safe!

Answer 8

it sound like you both need to get counseling to fiqure out
if it worth saving this marrige, after 25 years you own your self
and your children, some peace of mind. get the counseling
then go from there.

Answer 9

You can ask him to leave but he may demand that the
house be sold and monies divided equally...
Of course, he will have to pay child support...

Answer 10

if you love him....perhaps he will take an anger management class?