Wat do u guys think of my song, pleaz b hard critics n tell me where i can improve?

Question

chorus=All is gon, der’s nothin dat I hold,All I hav left is a dream dat is dieing out in da cold.All is gon, der’s nothin left in my soul,U tuk everythin away wen u left me out in da kiler snow verse1=U tuk my heart n burned it right in front of my eyes; everythin dat I poses suner or later dies.I cant hold on 2 somethin cuz u’re always der, u haunt me in my sleep n u dont even ker.U tuk my soul away; I cant feel anythin but sadnes everyday.I cant seem to feel joy once again; I can only feel dat Im almost to an end.Dat Im goin 2 die faster dan expected,I dont hav a guardian angel anymor,Im never protected.Im so weak, so fragile, seeing u makes my mind want 2 unravel
How much pain u’ve caused me, how my soul n heart hav lost me.You tuk my luv,da most precious thing every1 has,But Im not like every1 else,dey’ve moved on n Im stuck in da past...the whole song wasnt able to be put in here

Answer 1

First off, it'd be a lot easier to critique this song if I knew what genre it was and the style of your singing...But just looking at the lyrics, I guess it's ok. if I were you, I'd try less obvious rhymes. When I can predict the next line before I hear it, the song gets boring fast.

Umm, what else? You should type it out in normal english, you'd get your message across to the readers much stronger...

Other than all that, I know the mood you were going for. Which says a lot...A lot of people have a hard time with that and you established it early and kept it consistent throughout the song...

Good luck with everything.

Answer 2

sorry but that hurt way too bad... You need to use DOUBLE SPACES between each sentence. Like this. The way you have it written, it's just all ran together and that makes it hard to read and makes my eyes water. I liked what I did read though I just didn't get to read very much. Can you retype it better for us? And maybe put it in a rhythm scheme such as:

All is gone - There's nothing that I hold
All I have left is a dream that's dying - out in the cold,
All is gone - There's nothing left in my soul
You took everything away when you left me out - In the killer snow.
etc... etc... etc...
To make it fit the rhythm better I would change it like this:
All is gone - There's nothing I still hold
All I have left is a dream that's dying - Out in the cold,
All is gone - There's nothing left in my soul
You took everything when you left me - Out in the killer snow.

Now it's easier to sing in time because the rhythm schemes of the 2nd and 4th lines match closer. And lines 1 and 3 match up good :-)

Answer 3

No offense, but your song would be much easier to interpret if you used proper spelling.

Answer 4

by no means... personally hes going to be a flirt with different women as good, although hes with you. i had a buddy who used to be with a man that used to be like that. and he flirts with different women infront of her. eventually she bought worn out and broke up with him and now hes like looking to get again along side her.

Answer 5

i think that ur song can sound very..intense and slightly depressing but it makes for a good break-up song.