My Father beat me up pretty bad one time -- why can't I get over it? Was it my fault?

Question

When I was 12 (23 now) I was sitting at the kitchen table struggling to finish my math homework, when my Dad asked why it was taking so long.

I got a little sarcastic and said, "Um, because it's really hard."

That's when he grabbed my hair and started hitting me in the face while screaming and cursing at me.
I got away & locked myself in my bedroom. He kicked the door in & started choking me & banging my head into the wall. Then he left the house.

I laid on the floor crying & Mom forced me to go to school the next day.

Why did he do that? My Dad had never physically abused me before and hasn't since. My Mom grew up in a rough neighborhood and talks about fighting her Uncle and ex-husband. Mom was @ the sink when it happened. Why didn't she try to stop my Dad?

I've tried to talk to her about it over the years but she says she doesn't remember. Dad never apologized or mentioned the incident again.

What should I do? Therapist said forgive, but I'm still hurting.

Answer 1

First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I think that because your mother grew up in a rough neighborhood, she got accustomed to violence.....remember the jury of O.J.? The women jurors did not think it factored in, when questioned about the times Nicole was beaten by OJ. They thought that was probably the way everyone lives,because THEY have been around that kind of behavior.
a for your father's behavior, now....he is probably very ashamed and thinks that if he doesn't talk about it, you will forget about it. If only parents realized how their behavior affects their children.
My advice is this....do not look to your parents for any conversation or anything, on this topic. If they someday do talk toyou about it, that will be the icing on the cake,so to to speak. The deal is this...YOU need to do whatever it takes to work through this....please....do not think you need to feel angry/confused/hurt about this for the rest of your life. If your therapy sessions are not helping you, ask yourself this,please:
1. Am I really listening to the therapist and to MYSELF during these sessions?
2. Do I need a new therapist?
I'm sure there is lots more good advice that I can not think of. I surely do hope you find your answers......life is not infinite ...it has a beginning and an ending......whatever happens in between is YOUR very own precious time to do with as you see fit.
Good luck,sweetie.

Answer 2

The thing that hurts the most when it comes to these sort of things is that they involve people you love and trusted. If a stranger had hurt you you probably would have gotten over it years ago. But it was your father. The person that you should be able to look to for protection. I had an incident when I was 15. My step-father beat me up and my mother took the rest of the kids and left the house. Not only was I upset with my step-father, I was also hurt by the way my mother abandoned me.
A few things to remember. Domestic violence is ALWAYS the fault of the perpetrator. Hitting can not be excused, no matter what the other person said. Secondly, you will never hear an adequate excuse/reason from anyone. Don't keep bringing it up. Nothing your father or mother can say is going to make you feel better about it. Choose to forgive. It isn't easy but it is the right thing to do. You will feel better once you give up your bitterness.
I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

Answer 3

No its not your fault. Don't ever think that. You were a teen that comes with sarcasm. Forgive but never forget that is what I always say. I can't give you any reason why a parent would watch there child get beat or why a parent would beat a child. At least none that I can think of. Those answers are somewhere in your parents and only they can tell you why. Just remember its not your fault no matter what anyone tells you. Talk to your dad about it. Maybe he can give you an idea or at the very least say he is sorry.

I wish you good luck and sorry I could not give you the answers you want, but I don't think anyone on here can do that just the ones who did it to you.

Answer 4

Mom's tend to not want to "remember" those things that happen, even to their little girls, because it is too hard for them to understand what happened to them in the first place. The actions taken upon your mom was Her actions! Not for you to consider whether they were right or wrong. Personally, totally wrong. However, you have to move on. That was Her decision, and only the ones she refuses to see.
Hence, the incident with you and your father. I had the same experience happen to me 2 years ago, at age 31.
My Dad hit me for the first time in his life, and my Mom did not want to believe it happened wither,
What to do???
I know it hurts bad that your were physically bashed by your Dad and your Mom does not understand, nor believe it happened.
The truth will come out in time. For now, and for YOU, move forward and get the best of everything you can get out of every day of your life. Move on and go to college, or get a great job in something that you love to do. AND, Volunteer with the Big Brother/Sister Program. It will help you to help others, and also give yourself perspective of what happened to you and what you feel about the outcome. You have so many options. No matter what... The Pain Will Not Go Away. You just have to learn to move it in the right direction.
If there is an apology, God willing, there will be more healing for your own soul. Understand that YOU, not anyone else, can take away who YOU are. You are what you make of yourself, and do not let that keep you down!
God Bless!
D w/an E and an Anna

Answer 5

You have to heal before you can forgive, and clearly you haven't. It's okay, it's a real process. And since he's never acknowledged that he did it, nor your mother, your trust in them has been irreparably shattered, so you'll have to mourn that too. So there's a lot more to do here than just forgive (unless your therapist understands that and can support you in it, I suggest looking for a new one).

I'd try some physical-type of therapy if you can; it can be short term. I saw a chiropractor who practices Network Spinal Analysis (you could find one local to you at www.donaldepstein.com) and that has helped a lot. But you must recognize that although you may both heal and forgive, you will move on to a different--adult--type of relationship with your parents. It can be very good, but you probably can't anticipate what it will be like until you get there.

If you have no money for assistance with healing, I found great peace by listening to CDs of Thich Nhat Hanh's, particularly ANGER... WISDOM FOR COOLING THE FLAMES. Also books by Deepak Chopra were very comforting. In the midst of listening to work like this (or reading it) you may cry, and that may help with the healing. Try also Donald Epstein's THE 12 STAGES OF HEALING. His breathing exercises in the book (somatorespiratory integration) are very helpful for moving trauma through your system, and you should be able to pick up the book, used, for a song.

And speaking of a song, do something creative for therapy, whatever moves you, some kind of art, music, writing.

You have my thoughts and prayers... you are not alone.

Answer 6

initially, give up making excuses for him. How a man or woman is whilst they're blissful has no signifigance to their character. When they get mad, that is whilst the TRUE individual is proven. the real colours. Any guy who raped his spouse or beat his child isn't a person. sorry. he is a weakling. who cares if he does homework and spends time with you. IF he real cherished you, he WOULD NOT beat you EVER. He demands to be punished via the legislation. If you do not document this, it's going to with no trouble keep, and you are going to have handiest your self guilty. "If it occurs as soon as, disgrace on him. If it occurs two times, disgrace on you." Be courageous and document this- you will have rights that he might love for the arena to disregard. Get it on list and he'll get what is coming to him. Why safeguard him? Stop being a sufferer and begin taking movement. Love your self the way in which your mom certainly not cherished herself. Expose the bastard for what he fairly is, and get him from your existence. Move out and escape without end. He does not love you. He likes to be ill.

Answer 7

You are still hurting because the issue wasn't resolved. Yes, your dad lost his temper and abused you. This was clearly wrong and he should not have done that. There is no excuse for what he did. Even if your tone was sarcastic it is wrong for him to grab your hair and hit you in the face. I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it.

Is your dad still around or alive? If he is, you need to talk to him abou this event (with love). If he is dead or gone then you'll have to let it go. The latter happened in my case. My father was killed before I ever got the chance to talk to him about his abuses. As I've gotten older I've learned that what he did was not justified; however, he was reacting in the way he knew how. It was clearly wrong but he was also subject to the culture, the nature, and the demographics of his time. I've had to learn to forgive him with no chance of him talking about this with me. All I can do is let it go, forgive him for the hurt, and then love him for the good things I learned from him.

It would still be good to talk about this incident with a counselor. Another thing would be to write a letter to your dad and say the things you want to say to him. Be thorough, explain what happened and how it hurt you. Tell him it was wrong and tell him how you love him in spite of it. Tell him how this event hurt your relationship. Then, if you can and hopefully you can... forgive him. Tell him that you forgive him and then let it go. If he is alive, send the letter to him. If he is dead then once you are finished with the letter place it on his grave or tear it up. You have to let this go.

Lastly, review how this event might get in the way of your future parenting. Learn how it affected you and don't make the same mistake. You'll be a good parent and I think you'll do just fine.

Answer 8

This was never, especially in this instance, NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!
I grew up in a family where my father occasionally "lost it" that would include hair pulling head hitting, objects into the wall, etc.
My brother and I, (family of 4 girls, 1 boy) usually got the brunt of these "episodes". This was not a common occurrence so to speak, but enough to make me remember, and enough to make me realize that later in life, I accepted this behavior as "NORMAL" (Which I now know is far from acceptable.)
My sisters still go to the other room when things "get out of control" They have always swept their problems under the rug.
Don't get me wrong. we grew up going to private school, dressed well, nice house, etc., My point is , that whether this was a one time occurrence, or repeated offense, you need this issue to be addressed and this should have been resolved if it is still bothering you. If the time for that closure has come and gone, then you do need to speak to someone to "hash it out" and get yourself some closure.
I am 39 yrs old now, married w/ two kids (15/19) I have made every effort to recognize the mistakes of my past, and not let them effect my present and future.
By the way, I found out that my dad was is still dealing with his own demons. He did not deal with them then and apparently he is still dealing with them.

Answer 9

What happened to you was very wrong. You have every reason in the world to be angry and hurt. Even after all these years. It was in no way your fault on any level or in any universe. I would try again to talk with your parents about the situation. I know it will be hard. Try bringing a close friend or family member who knows about the sitution and whom will support you. Good luck and remeber that you are and never were at fault. What happened to you was not right.

Answer 10

You don't have to forgive, because he hasn't apologized for his criminal assault.

He not only assaulted you, he robbed you of your trust in him.

It seems to me he was doing to you something he wanted to do to your Mother. That's why she doesn't want to recall it, because she knows exactly why he blew at you, and it had nothing to do with homework.

Since it won't go away, take him somewhere public and confront him about it. Tell him not even therapy is able to get you past this horrible assault and you want and need an explanation.

If he can't do that much, he's a lousy excuse for a father and doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you until does the right thing.

Take care.