Please help me...I need some mature advice...no pessimism please, I'm depressed enough over this...?

Question

My b/f's Xwife & his youngest sis was able to put into plan & WIN. They got the Xwife back into good favor with my b/f's family & got me OUST! Lies, vindictive women, sneaky conieving sisters & parents. We've been together 4+yrs. His family loved me & my 5 kids til 1 1/2 yrs ago when my b/f proposed. His xwife made up a story that she was dying of cancer! This got her "back into touch" with his family. (She actually had dysplasia. Abnormal cells caused by an STD virus of the cervics.) She then had surgery on her leg for a blood clot. His sister invited her to her wedding just after the surgery. His youngest two sis were threatening me & telling me I wasn't really invited but that their brother was in the wedding & wanted me to go. I didn't go. The pressure from his family to get me to leave almost became unbearable for me last summer when they invited the X to 4th of july picnic/pool party. And then put the X in the other sis wedding at the last minute.His parents told me that if my bf

had to chose b/w me or his x he'd chose her. My b/f didn't believe all this stuff his family was telling me til I got it on tape. Then he chose ME over them but for several months they had him convinced it was ME. Anyways, now any time we see his family or his X they take everything I say personally. I feel uncomfortable around them to say the least. His sis even threatened physical harm if I was to "ever say a mean thing about my b/f exwife". The woman stabbed my b/f during their marriage. She put HIM in jail 3 yrs ago for a false report. (he was aquitted the charges) Last weekend I was nitpicked by my b/f for a comment I made in front of his parents. Any other person would of been NOTHING but now he is even taking anything I say about his family or x personally. How can this be fixed? How does one begin to fix the damaged caused by such mean ppl? Is there hope for us or not? We are madly in love but his family tears us apart when we c'em. NOT often we'll c'em. I hurt b/c of this.

Answer 1

These are TOXIC people. And they appear to find life dull unless they can pick fights.

Your fiance must decide - is he marrying YOU or HIS FAMILY. If he is going to be under his family's thumb all his life, you must leave. If he is going to stand up and be brave, now is the time to do it.

1. Your fiance needs to have you beside him and go to the house when hopefully most of the people are there. (Or go to each of their houses individually.)

2. He is to say, "This is my fiance. I expect you to love her and respect her as you would love and respect me. I have had enough of the negative remarks you have said to her and about her. The first time I, or she, hear any negative remarks about either of us to our face or behind our backs, or any nasty tricks you pull, we will leave immediately. If you apologize, we will consider visiting again. Otherwise, it will be up to us if we wish to visit you again. Do you all understand?"

3. The next thing will be protests of how they don't say any mean things. There may be interspersed negative comments.

4. IF you hear anything negative, then you do one of two choices:
A. Say nothing (possibly stare meaningfully at the person who said the negative thing)., and leave immediately.
B. Explain what you just heard that was negative, then leave immediately. (DO NOT stand around to debate WHY it was negative. Just leave!)

5. The phone will begin ringing off the wall, complaining how rude you two were. Hang up immediately each time they are negative like that. You don't have to say a word.

6. Do NOT EVER let these people into your home. (It is hard to throw them out once they get in.) If they show up at the door, just say you are not allowed to let them in but they may call to invite you over. If they say, "But you always hang up on us!", then tell them to speak politely on the phone and no one will hang up.

If they start complaining some more right there on the doorstep, shut the door and do not answer it again. Do not talk to them through the door. (If they get violent out there, call the police.)

7. Eventually they will begin to get a few manners when you go over, or for a long time you will be leaving their houses about 10 minutes after you arrive. (They may even think it is funny and say bad things on purpose just to see you leave. If they do this, you know there is no hope for the relationship.)

8. If needed, move to the other side of the country.

You have to treat them like they are little spoiled, brats who have never learned any manners. At their age, they may never learn any, but at least you will have some peace and you will be teaching your children how to deal in a civilized manner with uncivilized, petty, mean people.

Answer 2

WOW! That's a lot of emotional distress you have to carry. If I were you, I would have to decide if he was really worth all the DRAMA? After all... there are other fish in the sea.

If he is worth it then take a trip out of town and leave the kids with YOUR trusted family members. During this time that you two have to yourselves discuss this damaging issues you have with his family, without being demanding or blaming anyone, and just point blank tell him what his family is doing to hurt you and you two's relationship and figure out a way to resolve it. It you feel you are setting forth more of an effort in trying to fix this huge issue, then you will have to think logically and come to the cold realization that he won't change and you are wasting too much energy into a relationship that won't go any farther than where it is today.

Answer 3

Sounds like alot of people are involved...perhaps confusing
everything for the both of you. he should be placing you first.
have some conversation w/ him about how you feel.

If he knows that any contact etc w/ the "ex" makes you uncomfortable - it shouldnt even be a question. He shouldnt put you in that position.

not sure exactly what the question was - but you really should
be paying less attention to the parents/ siblings etc. If he respects you & wants to be w/ you - that should be his priority.

edit: just read the rest of ur question -

I think you need to have him choose - do you both have a date set to get married ?? you need to be sure that he is going to
have you as a priority - & if he thinks youre making him choose between yourself & teh family - he's right...
you shouldnt be in that type of hurtful environment.. IMO..

Answer 4

My husband's mother has turned her whole family against me. My husband took up for me and now the family has started to turn against him. It all started because his mother wanted him to choose between me and his son's mother (even though my husband's mother hates her too - she's just nice to her sometimes so she can see her grandson when she wants). All this started before we were married and she told her whole family that we wouldn't make it past two years... we are about to celebrate three VERY GREAT years! She continues to tell the family lies about me and she tried to ruin my wedding by starting a fight with my husband's sister before the ceremony, making ugly faces in the few photos we had her in, and leaving early while pouting the whole time. My advice to you is as long as you have his support, screw them. Yes, they will become your family but you don't have to deal with them. My husband's mother can be in his life all she wants but we have a rule that she is not allowed in our house. It is our safe place and she is not respectful of me so she is not welcomed. My pastor said that if I have to avoid her to keep my mind at ease and not live a stressed life, then so be it. You should only give a person so many times to work with you and if they are too toxic, get rid of them.

Answer 5

i know it's not good news but they sound like a disfunctional family and they will not change anytime soon - if ever.
i was in a similar situation for most of my life (except there was no ex, just me - but i was tortured in most the same way)
they thrive on conflict. and you are their current victim.
i know you love your bf but i fear that you will live the rest of your life like this unless you get out of that situation. your bf seems to accept this family dynamic.
i worry most about the children - what they see you going through and what they must be going through as well.
you all deserve a better life and to be accepted in a healthy, happy family.

Answer 6

I gave up on most of my husband's family. I don't spend time with them, say hi to them, or anything. I don't need their negativity in my life right now with everything I've got going on. Maybe you should just distance yourself for awhile. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

Answer 7

Fact of life, you don't need this crap, and you're better than this. Throw him out - go onto greener pastures. It will seem tough now, 2 years from now - the best thing that you could have ever done for yourself.

Answer 8

If your boyfriend can't stand up to his family and give you the respect you deserve then it's time to move on. Anything you do will make you look bad, so it's up to your boyfriend to set things straight

Answer 9

is he good enough for you? your bf should step up and confront your inlaws to be that not to treat you like an outcast, he should do this in front of you because u two are in one team now, he should say "if you can't accept my fiancee then you don't love me or you dont want me to be happy" he should have balls to say this if he loves you and its good for everybody too. "if you can't accept my fiancee, then forget about me, i will not see you until you accept my fiancee so on and so forth...tell him how you feel about this. goodluck!

Answer 10

I dont think that there is a chance I dont think it is about him standing up to his family I think it is all about his choice on who he wants to be with. Sorry but I just think that he wants to be with his ex/current girlfriend. If he wanted to really be with you then he would be.