alcoholic husband?

Question

me and my husband have a 3 week old baby. Last week withing 4 days he consumed 48 beers. He spends all his time on the computer and when i ask him to get off so I can do the bills he has a tantrum and calls me horrible names. Sunday night I had enough and left and went back to my parents house with my son. Now I miss him though and I want to go back, I do love him, just not when he has been drinking, which is unfortunately all the time. Should i go back?

Answer 1

Well if you choose to stay with him you need to take some steps to help him.

I wish someone would have told me this.

First- Find yourself an AlAnon meeting- (support groups for families of Alcoholics). There are people there who shhould be able to help you understand how to know when he is ready to be sober. You will also be able to hear from people who have lived with alcoholics and how they screwed up their lives. That will help you decide if this is really a fight you want.

Then if you decide to stay with him-
Require him to go to AA and be on the program faithfully. But remember AA only helps those people who want help.

You Really need to think about your child. If he treats you that way when he is drunk, how will he treat your child. Do you want your child to grow up with the embarasement of a drunk dad? What if his drinking escalates and he could get violent.

These are all important things to consider. As long as you keep going back to him, the drinking will just get worse. Because in his mind, if you welcome him back, you will be accepting his dangerous behavior (this is behavior). He will just get more blatent and open with it. I have heard alcoholics say that it takes hitting rock bottom for them to change. He won't hit rock bottom as long as you baby and enable his behavior. You sticking around enables his behavior, it really does, at least in his mind it does.

I know this sounds harsh- but it is true. You really need to look at you and not only you but your child. Go to Al-Anon- talk to other women listen to how bad their lives got. Decide if that is really what you want. My only concern with Al-Anon is that the people there might tell you that you just need to love him more, I don't know I have never been- but just beware of that, maybe take a friend with you who can be rational and help you see what you need to do. I would hate for you to get sucked into the "love him through it" mentality- that doesn't help anybody. The only way- I mean ONLY way that loving him through it will help is if he really truely wants to change, and you need a professional to help you know if that is really what he wants.

Again think about you child- how will it mess up your child to stay with him?

I am not one who goes to divorce as the first option, but sometimes there is NO CHOICE and this is one of those times. You really need to do this.

Edit***

I hope that you can have the experience of the lady above, whose husband gave it all up for her. I really do. I hope that for your sake, for the sake of the child and the sake of your husband. Some one else said wait a year for him to be sober, I think that is great advice. My ex would go three months and then fall off the wagon (if he did not sooner). A year will really let you see his commitment. I can't stress Al-Anon- there are people there in your situation and counselors who can help. I wish I had done that, who knows how I could have helped him.

Good luck to you- I really do know how hard this can be.

Answer 2

Each and every person who has responded to your question, thus far, has either suggested that you divorce your husband/babies father or atleast stay away from him until he changes. Like you (and them too), I have no idea if that is the right or wrong thing to do. However, I do know that it is not right for a stranger to tell you what you should do with your life, and the life of the child that you share with your husband.

How long have you known this man? ...been married to this man? ...was the child planned? ...is he a good man with an issue?

I don't need to know the answers to those questions. I just ask the questions, because the answers will lead you to the correct answer for you. For example: If you have known this man for quite a while; been married for a period of time; and, you made the decision to have a child with this dude. I would hope that means that you think he is a good man, usually does.

Should you go back? Who knows?

If he is a good man, you leaving him has shook him to the core, and he will realize the error in his ways. Thus, it will cause him to rethink how he does things; his behaviors; etc. You leaving him may have been what it took to make him come around.

I mean, obviously, he didn't just begin this behavior yesterday. He has probably pounded beers like this since highschool or college, and just never really changed. It's hard to break out of that habit. For many people it's not because they are addicted to alcohol. Rather, they are just so used to the behavioral pattern.

I know there is no good time for this sorta issue to cause a major problem. However, I cannot think of a worse time to give up on a partner than right after the couples child is born. I mean, you two loved each other enough to make the ultimate life long bond between each other just a few short months ago, and, I know as well as you do that your husband/father of the child you share together hasn't changed 1 bit in the last 9 months.

I would seriously consider anything and everything before you make a decision. I wish the best for all 3 of you that are involved.

Answer 3

If you were to go back, without him making any effort to improve things on his part, do you think it would help him in any way? If a person permits a certain kind of behavior to occur from another, and not insist on any consequences, the person will be "enabled" to keep the behavior going. No consequences, no motivation to change.
You have provided a good consequence; that is, you leaving. If you were to go back, he would feel "emboldened" that he was in the right, you were in the wrong for leaving, and he would not obtain any motivation to change.
Wait awhile and see what he is up to. See if he is willing to compromise, to make any behavioral changes. What you see from him will help you answer your question about going back.

Answer 4

I would not go back until he stopped drinking....you baby does not need to see his father abuse you in this manner, because your son will grow up to be an abuser as well....do you want that? do you want your son to abuse someone else daughter? Because that is what is going to happen as long as your husband is abusive to you. You also need to know this....you CANNOT fix your husband....as women we think we can, but you can't. you cannot do anything that he does not want you to do.....and it sounds as though he likes drinking and being an alcoholic. Yes it is easier to say stay away and not go back....but I feel that you are endangering yourself and your son if you go back.....Think of what you want for your son......do you want your son to treat some other parents daughter the way you are being treated.....how do you think your parents feel knowing that you are being mistreated like this.....It is breaking their heart....do you want some other girls parents to feel the hurt that your parents are feeling now? I don't think so. As parents our hands are tied...the choice is ultimately yours, But I sure home you think about your son....and the girls that he will be involved with.

Answer 5

I think this is a bit of a cry for attention you know what the right thing to do is so do it.
48 beers in a week is a lil much but over 7 days evenly were talking about 7 beers a day
Now peoples personalities dont change overnight so you would have known this before commiting to having a baby with him so dont hold the baby thing to him if he dont change.
As for the PC thing come on every man likes gadgets yours just likes to escape you and the baby for some alone time playing games. ITS NOT RIGHT but at least your not arguing

Any how one of my main reasons for posting on here is because i was lil upset to find you voted your cat question to some one who said restrain your kitten. im not upset that you didnt pick my answer its just the fact you thought the best way to treat your kitten is with forcefulness.


I will answer one of your other questions though
Im sad to hear you choose restraining your cat as the best answer for the sharp claws

Your kitten is 3 months old (probably the equivelent to a child being 1 1/2)
I gave you the correct methods as sugested by whiskas
and to let you know my cat doesnt bite etc only if your playing rought with her since she learnt to know when to stop

even if she bites and hurst all i have to do is "Ishhhh" at her and she will realise she has hurt me an walks off upset or will stop and immeditalty lick my hand

A cat can be trained to do more than just trained to poop on its tray if you spend time with them and treat them better than just a pet that walks around the house eats and sleeps and gets stroked from time to time

The more u interact with your cat the more loving it becomes and attatched she becomes

Example:

My cat has been taught how to open doors by pushing them rather than scratching at the carpet (trying to dig under)

I gave my gf the keys to go home one day and the cat kept running back to the front door and back to my gf wondering why I havent walked through the door, it was only when i came in she settled and couldnt stop wanting to be fussed since I had been out for a while

She uses her scratpad rather than my walls/furniture

She knows the sound or a packet rusling is a treat for her and comes running in (Almost like a 5yr old child around sweets) and meawing like mad for them

because i cant let my cat out when ever since i live in appartments which have corridor doors I have to take her out and she will follow me and stay close to me.

She will play pickaboo as such where I hide and she moves closer to me, when I show my self she stays still when I hide she moves closer and when i show my self she stays stil right the way until she runs right up to me and then she gets fussed

now any pet expert will tell you when pets dont adhere to household rules it is because they dont know exactly where they fit in at the home

Try and imagine how the cat its self is
pulled away from its mother and prbably other bros and sisters
With humans (not exactly cats now are we)
and then restrained by something that is 12 times bigger than its self (As your kitten was 3 months old)
I mean common woman just teach it gently.
My cat doesnt do it
1 I believe she grew out of it
2 I believe she also learned when to know shes hurt me
3 I believe she as learnt that her claws arent always needed as cats instintivly use the claws a lot as kittens as it helps them grasp things better as they arms are weaker than when they grow bigger (Example a 1 yr old toddler cannot pick up a glass properly but a 6-7 year old is more able to grasp it)

Answer 6

No. I'm not saying to divorce him, but a man can only do to you what you allow. My husband USED to be an alcoholic. I packed up all of his things and threatened to leave. That's all I had to do what threaten. We didn't even make it to a seperation because he stopped. It was hard as hell for him to stop and he went through mood swings and withdrawls but the man loved me enough to give up alcohol for me. I love him even more for that. I didn't ask him to stop, I just wasn't going to deal with it and he knew that. He told me that he loves me more than life itself and that he'd be a fool not to give up alcohol for the best thing that has ever happend to him. In your case your husband is losing his wife and his child. I know you love the man, but you have to be strong and let him realize that he has a problem and it needs to be fixed. Could you imagine if he got drunk and hurt you or your child? If you miss him, visit him, but don't go back. I wish you all the best of luck. If you want Alcoholic Anomyous referals I'll be more than happy to give you some, just email me.

Answer 7

I buy flowers all the time anyhow, maybe I should pee in more hampers too. I'm sure rather than having to send them yourself, you could get a Y/A admirer to send them... and i like Piously Pathetic better.

Answer 8

Um, let me think about this...

NO. NONONONONONONONONO!

Clear enough for ya? If he wants you back, he has to go to AA, and prove that he has been attending. Alcoholism is sad & tragic, but it can be deadly for the afflicted and those around them. Protect yourself, protect your baby.

Answer 9

How long has this been going on? Do not go back until he admits he has a problem and deals with it. Do not let him bring you and your baby down with him, you know better, than that!

Answer 10

Why walk back into the same situation that you walked away from? That makes no sense.