My husband of 3 years found out I cheated on him, what can I do to make him happy and forgive me?

Question

My husband found out I cheated on him by finding some old texts that I forgot to delete. I didn't sleep with the other guy, but my husband's feelings were still badly hurt. I know I made him feel like less of a man. He found out about this in February and we had been doing well. We had been communicating about our feelings and really trying to work things out. But recently, he's been very sad , and he won't talk to me about it. It is killing me to see him so sad. I wish I had never hurt him, but I can't turn back time. Do you have any suggestions to boost his spirits?

Answer 1

Forget anything to do with sex...that ain't gonna get it!
It is time you both sat down at the kitchen table, have a cup of coffee and put EVERYTHING on the table...your feelings, his feelings, and do it without accusations, recriminations, etc. IF he rants, then let him rant...do not interupt. He will run down eventually when he has vented his feelings. NOW, you step up to the plate, keep the conversation focused on the emails...do not wander off into a kitchen sink fight...that will be harmful. Ask HIM what you must do to rebuild his confidence...tell HIM what you have learned from this. If you can agree that this issue will be put down forever more, then move forward. BUT IF this issue is to continue to rise everytime you have a fight, then you will not come out a winner in this relationship. YOU cannot be made to pay for something your whole life. It is time to settle up, pay your dues, and move on, NEVER bringing this up again. If he cannot do this, you need to consider your next step, and it might well be without him...again, you cannot pay for this for the rest of your life...no one could...I certainly wouldn't..
AND...you are NOT a bad person, you are just a person who makes errors in judgement..no more, no less...we all do at times. Forget all the preaching above, it does nothing but harm. Talk like that comes from idiots who have no idea what they are talking about. My personal relationship(s) have endured the same or worse (and worser, and worser..:-) Only by being able to truely forgive and really forget can anything good come from this..it sounds as if you have learned a very valuable lesson, and you didn't really cross any lines in learning. IF you husband is so easily threatened, he has issues that run very deep...only a pro could sort them out. Nothing that happens in a relationship is one sided...You obviously needed to be wanted and some excitement at the time...so big deal...you got the excitement, didn't go screwing around...what really is the big deal here? Personally, I think that a good laugh at both yourselves is in order...laugh and get it out of your system. Perhaps he should learn something from this also..that you need to be chased occasionally, that you need some romance in your life, that you need some "new" in your life. A wise person learns from both sides of the fence. Now is the time to put that on the table also..what YOU need from the relationship. Do not miss the chance for both of you to communicate the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

Answer 2

The fact that you did not sleep with the other guy is good, but trust has been broken here. There is no quick answer to this, the saying that time heals all wounds, is true, but you can help it out by doing things together that are more for him. Still you are going to hear that alot from here. So I will present it a different way.

It could be that he likes that attention you are showing him, and is punishing you by playing a sadistic game. Dont say its not true, because it has happened. You are not in his mind, so you dont know what hes thinking. Or possibly he did something similar, and hes having regrets now. I mean its normal to feel sad and hurt, but there is a point when it gets carried away, and he hurts everyone around, including himself. So I would suggest dropping it, its done, hes still with you, cut your losses and take it from here. If hes sad, then dont harp on it, be happy and possibly he will follow suit. No reason for you both to be miserable if he does not want to help himself.

Answer 3

Above all, do not take to heart some of the answers you will receive here. I personally would seek a "marriage counsellor", not try to explain anymore how badly you feel. Even though you did not "sleep" with this person, you may well have, in your husband's eyes. You both need to speak with a "professional" as there were reasons why YOU did this in the first place that need to be addressed. Working together will only "help" you both, as you will have an understanding as to why, and your husband will learn what caused this "misadventure" of yours. Good Luck and I hope for your success.

Answer 4

Hi I'm 22 and married and just had our first child 9mnths ago. It is a huge adjustment and I am on Xanax as well anti-depressants make me even more lethargic, anyways I know how you feel as far as the whole "your life seems to be spiraling out of control" and when your husband does what he did it just adds not only to the chaos but even more confirms that your life is over and you just wanna give up you feel like you can't do it anymore. I have post partum depression so I freak out sometimes and feel like I'm only 22 and feel 40 like you said. My advice to you is get rid of the guy that's my suggestion I mean you just had your baby and he's off flirting? That sounds like a boy not a man I don't believe he was ready for everything life has thrown at him being a husband and a father is the biggest responsibility a man can have and he is only going to do more harm than good if he doesn't realize that this is life he chose and the wife he chose and right now is not the time freak out about how crappy he feels his life has turned out its time to step up suck it up and do his job and do right by you the woman who bore his fricken children! what he has now is what he's going to look back on in 40 years wishing he had family in the end is the only thing you got. with that said only you can know if you think he will pull this stupid crap again, so it's up to you to decide wether or not to take him back. A relationship takes two if you do decide to work on your marriage work on your end too whatever that is just do the best you can do and try (even though you wanna murder him) to take compassion on him and realize he's just a sad little man who is lost and made a really messed up choice. Be angry be mad cry yell whatever it is let it out but make sure you let the good shine through the pain everyonce in awhile don't become bitter. Gl with everything I what it feels like to be lost with no hope of anything going right ever again but it will be ok you've had two beautiful babies focus on them and whats right for them they are your life's greatest work.

Answer 5

Sorry to say, but I dont think there is anything to boost him up! Im in the same situation, only that my husband cheated on me. I am constanlty thinking of what he did and how bad he has hurt me. He already apologized and we have already talked about our feelings. But is not working. I may feel good at times, but sad at times too. Just give him time while he gets over it. Its not easy to know that the person you loved has lied to you!

Best Wishes!!!

Answer 6

First, examine your feelings. Figure out why you cheated, and make sure that you really want your marriage to work.

If you're really committed to fixing things, realize that time and trust are the only things that are going to heal the damage.

Sit down with your husband and tell him you were wrong. Tell him you're really committed to making things work, and how sorry that you are that he was hurt.

Finally, if he doesn't want to talk with you, don't push! Suggest getting a professional marriage counselor or pastoral counseling to help you through this rough patch.

I wish you success in healing your marriage.

Namaste

Answer 7

Nothing works as a quick fix. You have destroyed the trust, and it takes a long time to rebuild it. I forgave my ex twice...but not the third time. Be there, be open and honest and never, ever lie to him again. How would you feel if he had done the same? Nothing is insurmountable, but this will take a lot of work on both of your parts. Good luck.

Answer 8

This is your husband. You need to sit down with him and find out what's wrong. Boosting his spirits is not going to work. He's a grown man, not a child. Whatever you do, don't listen to 'lovely'. Some people don't have a clue and she's one of them.

Answer 9

I believe that you should stop seeing this guy immediately, have a talk with your husband, but when he gets angry, you shouldn't get angry, because it was your fault beforehand.

Promise him that you're never, never going to cheat on him and have some romantic time when you were dating him. I'm sure that will work out...

haha, i'm not even married, but i hope this works out well. Good luck!

Answer 10

It just takes time to learn to trust again.

You hurt him very badly and betrayed your marriage vows, wait you said you cheated but then you said you didn't sleep with the guy, I am confused. Are you saying you cheated because you had cyber sex with another man?

If it was just cyber, then I agree that you hurt him, but that is not cheating in the true meaning of the word. Cyber is fantasy, not reality.