Harrassed by 19 y/o daughter need advice?

Question

Told her she needs to leave -- she will not go. What should I do? She has/is saying very rude, crude, unintelligible things to me. Had to raise my children on my own as I've been separated f/lowdown cheating spouse for over 10 years -- he has never helped with them. They are all grown now. She's only one that has turned out so vile toward me and is youngest. I am so hurt, disappointed in myself; angry, bitter that there was no man, no father in their life. I am failure and all alone. Their father destroyed my life and now she is finishing me off. Her and another are killing me.

Answer 1

You need to realize that it is not your fault that she has no father in her life. You did the best you could do. You could have easily thrown up your hands and turned your children over to the welfare system. You need to practice tough love on this one. Make her get out. The next time she is out with her friends have the locks changed and put her a bag of clothes on the front porch with a note telling her that when she is willing to be an adult and be nice to you that she may come back. You cannot live your life like this and you cannot show weakness to her. She is probably using it to her advantage. When she hurts you you more than likely give in and give her what she wants. When you cut off her resources she will realize how good she had it at home.

Answer 2

Do not beat yourself up, you did the best you can do. What might be helpful is to go to counseling for yourself and your daughter. She might be hurting as well and you might not even recognize the signs and this type of behavior is a sign that you both are hurting and need to seek help either from a church if you are religious or some other type of facility. And I thought the same thing about my children's father and then I realized that I was allowing it to happen and if I wanted it to change I had to stop blaming everyone else and look at myself. And let me tell you it is not easy finding out your own issues. But do not give up on your daughter, do not put her out you will regret it later. Just be patient and believe that change will come. Have faith that you both will receive the healing that is needed to mend your relationship. And know that she needs you she is just upset about the way that things have turned out. And you raised your children alone that is a hard task never give up on them.

Answer 3

Lay out some tough love. Do not be hurt or disappointed in yourself. You have successfully raised a healthy child who is capable of making the right decisions...she just chooses not to. In order to assist her with that, pack her things and sit them outside. Have your locks changed so she cannot come in without being invited. Have her realize that you are the mother and deserve respect, like it or not. If she has no where to go, allow her back under the conditions that she must pay rent, follow your rules and respect everyone within the home. If she cannot abide by these rules, she is free to seek shelter elsewhere. It may be hard, but she will learn and be a better person as a result. Good luck!

Answer 4

As your daughter only 17 I presume it will be a long time before she thinks of starting a family. I would recommend the Implant IMPLANON. Unlike the pill she doesn't have to remember every day, also unlike the pill if she has sickness and or diarrhoea the implant will still work. Also less risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis and breast cancer. If she goes to her local Family Planning clinic they will do this free of charge and also talk her through options if she does not fancy this one. Your daughter sounds very sensible but being young they often forget that pregnancy is not the only worry try and get her and the boyfriend together and explain about the need for also using condoms as a secondary method of birth control and a deterrent against STD's.

Answer 5

You are blaming yourself and you need not. Give yourself the credit you deserve! When you stop blaming yourself she will also stop. She has seen you treating yourself in a certain manner b/c of the whole situation and now she knows how to play on these emotions.Your daughter is old enough to know right from wrong and is old enough to live on her own and if she doesn't have respect for you then she needs to go! Tell her when she has respect for you and can treat you as you should be treated only then will you make time for her.

Make a trespassing complaint after you pack her bags and kick her out! Let her know you've had enough and that things must change even if you have to go through exstreams to get them to. Also tell her that this is not what you've wanted but this is the outcome of her actions and behavior.

You put up with it from your husband and shouldn't have to put up with it from her, put your foot down in the same manner. She is your daughter and will always love you and come back especially when she needs financial help.

Your emotions and reactions will only go as far as you let them. When she says and does things that hurt you do not allow those things to set in, reconize her ignorance and her immaturity - Do not defend yourself or explain yourself or your action to her when she wants to fight and argue it will be hard for her to if you simply do not give her anything back to argue and fight about, simply tell her I'm not arguing with you and make that be the end of it. I had to kick out my oldest and youngest step daughters, it was very hard and once or twice a year the youngest calls still wanting to move back in but that is not an option. I love these girls as if they were my own but I am not playing games, we can either have a good relationship or a bad one and it really makes no differnece to me what kind they wish to have with me but it takes two and if they are putting ill effort into it I don't need them around. Life is hard enough without them adding drama and cahos to it but I realized something that if I don't play that game or feed back into it - I don't get them games...

Answer 6

Make her leave. Tell her that it is your house and she has to respect that. If she will not leave then call the cops. I know this sounds like a horrible thing to do to your own daughter, but she will never learn if you continue to let her live with you. If she says that she has no where to go, tell her that she should have thought about that before she treated you the way that she did. None of this is your fault. Some people just turn out like this.

Answer 7

She sounds like a spoiled brat to me. Why do you mollycoddle her? Tell her that she either obeys the rules of your house or you will have her evicted. Then FOLLOW THROUGH.

And stop whining. "Oh she says rude, mean things to me." Oh mercy! Grow up. What do you expect from lazy, spoiled brats? YOU are the adult. Not them. And why do you focus only on the fact that there was no father in their life? So what? Plenty of kids have to grow up with fathers through no fault of their own. What if he were dead? HE is the one who is the failure as a parent.

And stop wailing that they are killing you. You are still breathing, aren't you? Stop the melodrama. It's understandable for a 16-year old girl to act that way. It's downright embarassing when a grown, adult woman acts like that. Grow up! Stop whining and expecting sympathy. Accept the responsibility for the choices you made in life, and get on with it. Why get all upset? It obviously doesn't upset your daughter! Now go and boot that lazy bum in the butt and tell her to get busy and 1) either get a full-time job and pay rent, or 2) go to school full-time (and you keep in touch with her professors and know how she is doing - no student lifetime sponges allowed). And grow a backbone.

Answer 8

She is a grown woman and needs to act like it. You are no longer required to let her stay with you. And I don't care what anyone says, the fact you raised more than one child on your own for their whole lives, makes you a success already. You say that she is the only one who is rude to you, sounds like she has her own problems in her life that she is taking out on you since you are the only parent to take it out on.

If she continues these actions, sorry, but call the police and try to let them set her straight. She just has to grow up, once she does, I'm sure she'll realize how much you've sacrificed to try and do the best job possible.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Answer 9

Your not a failure..Don't be disappointed in yourself..We can raise our children the best we can..But in the end they have minds of their own and are gonna do what they want..
Don't feel guilty about calling the police on her..She's over 18 and it's time she began to take care of herself..It may be the best thing you can do for her..Give her a reality check..
My mom had to do this to one of my younger brothers..She too raised 5 children on her own..She had him arrested..
He now lives a few hours away..Holds down a very well paying job..And is a good useful citizen..He has actually thanked her many times over the years for what she did..He says he woulda just continued down the same path had she not loved him enough to do it..

Answer 10

First - you are not a failure - your ex-husband is. You were the one who stuck it through, when times were tough, you kept going. Therefore, you are not a failure. Keep your head up - and remember - it will pass. Not over night.

My mother and I had our times - going round and round. It was about the same age, and it was awful. Now - I regret it so much, wish I had never done any of it.

The good thing - we are as close as ever now. And I was the youngest, too. And she raised us - single parent, too. Hope it turns out better - good luck - and you are NOT a failure. No way, no how.