I can't say anything without my husband saying I am either being negative or complaining.?

Question

Every time he asks me whats wrong I tell him, but its always followed with a reply like "its always something" or "can't you just be happy". I over heard him talking to his friend last night about having him come over and asked if he could have him over another time. I don't feel like having company or being around people. I have been working a lot and I have been trying to fight off this evil cold. You have to understand his friends come over three days a week. And of course this conversation lead into other issues. I told him being around him is boring because he only sleeps and lays around but that when his friends come over hes on cloud nine. He goes from having no energy to acting like hes had ten cups of coffee. Is this really complaining and not being happy? Every few days I mention something, but I thought your supposed to talk to your loved one when your not happy or bothered with something so that you can fix it? I'm really confused. Maybe I am that horrible.

Answer 1

Do you ever talk to him about positive things?

I'm thinking that that's what he's saying, there with "It's always something " & "Can't you just be happy?". Not that you complain too much, but that you complain too much in proportion to not-complaining or to saying loving positive happy things.

Of course you should talk to your husband about the things that bother you or that make you unhappy. But, you need to *listen* to him, too, about the things that he wants to do, the things that make him happy & unhappy. Then, the two of you should both strive for *each other's* happiness.

Answer 2

I don't think you're that horrible at all, but do you talk to your husband about happy things, or is it just to complain? When he asks you whats wrong and you tell him and he cant fix it he feels bad.... he was probably hoping you would say something like, "Nothing, honey, I'm just tired." Try speaking to him about problems only once for every three happy conversations you have with him. I think this might make a change. When hes in a better mood Id bring up abut his friends visiting 3 times a week.... I think its too much and I wouldn't like that. Maybe on days when you expect them to arrive, you can, umm, get romantic with your husband.... drop broad hints about the things you want to do with him later, so he will rather spend that time with you. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think this can be fixed. You're going to actually have to put your foot down. Both of your lifestyles don't sound like they're meshing well. You work a lot, and you've been sick. Working a lot can make anyone cranky, you know? When you're home and he doesn't want to do anything, that his problem and things should be discussed, including when his friends come over. He should be asking you if you care if his friends come over and when's a good time. Otherwise, if he knows it bothers you and keeps bringing them over anyway, knowing you're tired, that's being selfish.

Sit down with him and explain that since you work all of the time and he's not doing much and when you are home, you expect some quiet. And point out that he needs to respect this and that it's selfish for his friends to come over and be noisy anyway. If he looks at all of this as complaining or whatnot, and if putting your foot down doesn't help; you might have to put your foot down outside his door and move on; you know? I've been there and done that, and that's what I did =) Good luck!

Answer 4

Well... firstly let me start by telling you that u are not alone dear.. as i'm in d same boat as you.

When he's at home, he's just playing ard wif the tv remote & acts handicapped (in a sense, i gotta do everything for him, from bringing him his cigarettes to coffee to the blasted toothpick!).

When his frds come over, he becomes hyperactive... cracks jokes & acts like a lovey dovey husband...

OR when he's not home .. he's at d coffeeshop, getting himself drunk silly....

n when we go out... be it dinner or holiday or simply a movie, he MUST have his frds with him... sometimes i wonder if i'm so boring that he cannot be alone wif me anywhere but bed. Why, even for our honeymoon, we had his aunties & nieces for company. How nice.

All relationships require constant nurturing and mine is not working out... have sacrificed 7 years & am not gonna waste more time on this...

Do something to save your marriage. If you dun voice out, eventually he would still ask you 'y didn't u mention this before'? So might as well, drag him down n tok it over, so he really understands what u feel.

Answer 5

Marriage is a tough adjustment for most men. They still like spending alot of their free time with friends. I assume you were working while you were dating this guy. You still need to have fun and enjoy each other's company. This does not change just because you got married. If you do nothing together except sexually, you will both be bored with the everyday life of marriage. You need to have one night out with the girls and discuss him having one night out with the guys, then have one night out together. Don't worry about meeting other people when out, because the only way that happens is if your relationship is dead at home. You need to find activities that are fun, that make you laugh, and actually enjoy your life. Quit being so serious about everything, which by the way does not make you irresponsible. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, so enjoy each day. Laugh! Laugh! Laugh! Life really is fun. Quit thinking of things to worry about or things that might happen and just enjoy each day that you have together. I used to always think...what it this was our last day together, what would I do so that we were both happy? Change your attitude and his will change also.

Answer 6

i think it's good to have someone to share our lives and problems with -- it can be healing to have someone around who is supportive and who cares.

sorry about your cold, btw. and i'd dislike it if people descended upon my home three nights a week -- i relish my privacy.. but that is how i am.

if your boyfriend lays around and sleeps all of the time, maybe you two need to do more TOGETHER, and make date nights?

perhaps think about the things you and your boyfriend talk about... is it only limited to your problems? do you ask him about his day or how HE is feeling? perhaps you two need to do things which requires some interaction on your parts... playing cards or a game, going for a walk together, or even a picnic.

maybe you two don't have enough "together" time... you said you work a lot.

if you two love each other, consider working on your relationship and getting to know each other again. maybe the next time you have a "problem" and want to discuss it, ASK HIM how he'd deal with it or what he thinks. that way, he might feel he's being useful and helping you ?

you're not horrible!

Answer 7

So you are either caught up in a negative cycle or a nag. A negative cycle is easier to break out of: you two need to go do some new things together, you need to find a passion so you have something interesting to share with him, and you need to encourage him to find a passion so that he can share new things with you.

If you are a nag, then you might just be a natural pessimist, and a lot of that could go all the way back to your upbringing: an optimist isn't afraid to take reasonable chances and fail. Failure is how you learn to be successful. A pessimist is usually just afraid to try becausing trying means there is a risk of failure.

I don't know what the problem is. They laying around the house and "he's boring" thing just makes it sound like you two need to get out and start growing: your life isn't all about him, and it's sad that hanging out with you seems to drain the life out of him (or that he just wants to rest and never do things wtih you).

So one of two things (or both)need to happen here: think positively, think about things you like, and go do things seperately and together, just do something different that YOU enjoy and encourage him to do the same.

If the time you spend talking is mostly talking about your problems, then eventually talking is going to be a pain. That doesn't mean you don't talk about them. It just means you need to expand the scope of things you talk about; you need to grow.

Answer 8

Be thankful that your man is home and feel confortable enough to have his friends over. He could go elsewhere for company and comfort, imagine is he would spend that time outside the home.

Because yuo don;t enjoy company, that doesn't mean that he has to sacrifize a normal social life for himself. There is nothing wrong with male bonding once in a while, but when you are sick you can tell him that you rather have some peace and quite now because you are sick. I'm sure that he will understand.

Now, don;t becaome ths miserable person that is not content with anything. Life is beautiful. Find your zen.

Good luck

Answer 9

No, you are not horrible it is your husband who does not want to take the time to really listen to you. I totally understand what you are going through because I am going through something similiar. My husband never wants to listen to me unless I am talking about his job or his favorite food. When it comes to me talking about whatever he also complains that I am negative and always in a bad mood. I feel depressed because my husband is not affectionate to me at all and he sleeps on the couch every night. So how in the world am I suppose to feel. My situation is getting worse and worse and I am really considering to get a divorce.
I really hope that yours is not as bad as mine, maybe you should get marriage counseling this way he will try to understand you better.. Good Luck to you!!!!

Answer 10

Maybe it's just time for you to change things up a big. Make a big change of attitude to one of being more sensitive, grateful and happy. That's a way to bring your best self forward to your husband. If he's with his friends too much and you are jealous, just tell him that, instead of being resentful and taking it out on him.