Do you not think it is so easy to say I'd never let a man hit me?

Question

I used to be adamant if a man threatend or lifted his hands to me in any way I would walk out the door and take no sh!t of him. I used to see woman on TV going on about being 'battered wives' and pity them and wonder why they didn't just leave.

Now I find myself with a man I think is controlling in some ways and has hit me in the heat of the moment arguments. Sometimes I've hit him as well - in fact most of the time I have provoked him and asked for it but last night he pushed me over during an argument totally unprovoked and it really upset me.

I don't work, I stay at home to look after our son. We can afford it and it was discussed and we agreed it would be best for everyone. Now he constantly reminds me that I need his money to survive. He pays everything, I get £100 a month from my saturday job and that does my phone bills, everything else is from him. I am grateful that he does this but I can't thank him every day surely?

He is a decent man and we love each other insanly and he doesn't beat me or anything but it just seems its invetitable now, when we argue its going to end in one of us lashing out physically and obviousy he is stronger than me and hurts me.

We want to be together but not whit this. He finds it hard to talk about and we end up not speakin for a while then being ok again without really dealing with the issue. I don't know where to start - how do you deal with it?

My stupid pride stops me from speaking to anyone about it.

And please don't just tell me to walk - unless you've been where I am its hard to understand.

Answer 1

If you want 2 save the relationship then BOTH get anger management.
Its easy to say i'd never let a man hit me but its harder to actually mean it.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

It is easy to say No man will hit me. When it happens, your usually in a bind. I mean, my first husband started hitting me 6 months after our wedding. I started out doing nothing, then I started hitting back, id bite kick and hit. Id grab things and smash them on him, to try to get him to stop. I finally had enough the night he kicked the life out of me and cut my throat. I started saving money and avoiding him. Id work 18-20 hours a day to stay away from him, i didnt want anymore scars or anymore abuse. when i had the money in the bank I bought my own house and left him. I knew if I didnt I wasnt going to come out of it alive. Too many trips to the hospital, too many times he put a shotgun to my head and threaten to pull the trigger. I dont know why he was that way but he was. The man I am with now, im guessing I brought a lot of my past with me, I pushed him to hit me a few times, he ended up in jail once. Thats enough, I had to fix my issues before I destroyed another relationship. I wish you luck, perhaps you could seek counseling for yourself and your anger and lashing out?? Establish some rules, like if one of you get angry enough to hit, walk out the door and the other one lets you/him go. Go for a walk to cool off, then come back and talk about it, if you get angry again, leave again. That is what we are doing, it seems to be working as long as we remember to keep trying. Good luck and be careful.

Answer 3

Hun he is NOT and I mean Not a decent man if he hits you and pushes you around. He reminds you that he pays for everything so you feel grateful to him and that you couldn't;t manage without him.
You can manage without him.
His violence towards you is already escalating from hitting to pushing. What will it be next? Bashing your head against a wall or maybe kicking you down the stairs?
You have a child and it is so damaging for a child to see his Mother bashed around. he could end up believing that's normal behaviour and it isn't.
For your sake and that of the baby...you have to leave or kick him out?
Go to social services and they will organise benefits for you etc that you would be entitled to as well as him having to pay you child maintenance/
he demoralises you so you feel it's your fault. It isn't your fault. Give him up or he could kill you or your child.

Ring your Gp who should be able to put you in touch with a domestic violence unit and maybe even a safe house.

Answer 4

Makes no difference how much you provoke a man he should be man enough not to hit or lift his hands to a woman. I would lose respect for my husband the minute he lifts his hands to me it is easy for me to say so because he will walk cripple for the rest of his life with bowed legs should he try. I am sick of men hitting woman instead of talking things out reasonably . I also hate men who sulk, i cannot stand sulkers. I do not work as well although i would love to get out there and get a job even if it is packing shelves, i don't like being beholden to anyone and that is where your hubby has the ace, he feels that you rely on him and will never leave him if he acts like a bully. Don't allow it any longer, get a job and you will get self-respect for yourself and wont have to look into his eyes for some cash.

Answer 5

You both want your relationship to work you both know what is happening is wrong now stop and think, what must your little boy be thinking when he hears/sees this going on? You must do something for the sake of him put your pride to the side and sort it out go and talk to a consular that pair of you for the sake of the little one it's not fair on him the pair of you have a choice with whats going on he does not

Good luck and hope you find a good consular

Answer 6

What a bad habit! Fortunately, it doesn't sound like it has progressed too far yet. I have something for you to try; if it doesn't work, you will have to take more drastic action, though. At a time when you're not angry at each other, just walk up to him and say, "Honey (or whatever term of endearment you prefer), let's promise not to hit each other any more when we're angry, OK? I know I've done it too, but I really think we should stop, because it's not good for us. Do you agree?" If he agrees, and he probably will, raise your right hand, palm forward, and sincerely say, "I swear never to hit you any more." Then, stand there with your palm still up, and smile at him. If you have addressed him matter-of-factly, without blame, and with obvious sincerity, he will raise his hand and swear the same. In future arguments, remember your promise, and if things start to get heated, feel free to remind him of his promise before he does anything.

Answer 7

this might sound truly stupid yet some adult adult males choose for to be hit. i are not getting it the two. yet whilst a woman beats on a guy and that's not what he needs she could be taken care of similar to a guy. in maximum circumstances adult adult males are stronger than women folk and might carry them at hands length to evade being harm.

Answer 8

my mum used to be in the same position with my step dad i had to watch as he used to hit my mum and im sorry but you should walk away do you really wont your son to see his daddy hitting u coz as that boy gets older he is gonna think its ok to hit a woman or you and im sorry it is not write i know you love this guy but think of your kid not you or your feller your boy should come first just think about it

Answer 9

You have embarked into dangerous territory. This doesn't get better and you know it so if you are not prepared to BOTH get into counseling, then I'm sorry but you will need to remove yourself from this situation.

Answer 10

I think you should both get counselling for anger management. That would be my suggestion.