He died last week in a car crash, they were going to get married this year and had bought a house and everything, has anyone else been through this because i dont know what to say to my friend, or whether i should speak about him to her, but i want to help
2007-04-15 23:16:35 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's fiancé
She's going to hell & back now, that's for sure......I've experienced death of close ones [one quite recently] & experienced friends going through the same thing, but still never know what to say, so this is what I do say....
"Right now there is nothing that I or anyone else can say or do that will make you feel any better.....nothing at the moment will take away the pain....but I just want you to know that I'm here for you & am thinking of you"......
Be there for your friend & most of all....just listen, she will talk about him, she will cry, cry with her, hold her & say how sorry you are that this has happened......comfort her but don't try to stop her crying....it's a normal part of grieving....she'll get angry & blame her b/f for being in the car....she'll get angry that he's left her like this.....these are all normal emotions that she'll go through....don't ever talk derogatory about him
Things NOT to say.....
[1] EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
[2] GOD ONLY GIVES US WHAT HE KNOWS WE CAN DEAL WITH.
[3] TIME HEALS. [it does, but it's a hell of a long time] no-one wants to hear that old cliché'
[4] IT'S FOR THE BEST
[5] HE'S GONE TO A BETTER PLACE
[6] DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM, YOU'LL ONLY GET UPSET
[7] I UNDERSTAND [you may well have gone through stuff yourself, but you're not her, you don't & never will know how SHE feels, you can only know how YOU feel.....
[8] GO OUT & GET ANOTHER B/F [yes! people do say that]
[9] YOU SHOULD BE OVER THIS BY NOW
[10] PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER
[11] THAT'S NOTHING! MY [FRIEND, SISTER, BROTHER ETC ETC ETC] JUST LOST THEIR PARTNER & THEIR CHILD
Things not to do....
[1] Don't cross the road if you see her coming.
[2] Don't compare his death with another’s, or compare what she's going through with what someone else is.
[3] Don't stop talking about him [unless she asks you to]
[4] Don't sit about waiting for her to come to you for comfort, she may never do that....
[5] Don't ask her if she's feeling better now, she's not ill...it doesn't just go away like some recent cold she's caught.....
[5] Don't forget him
Things to do...
[1] Call her on the phone & let her know you're thinking of her.
[2] Take her out to places for quiet times together.
[3] Look for practical ways you can help.
[4] perhaps call around or invite her to yours for a healthy immune system boosting meal, because her immune system will drop like crazy now if she doesn't eat properly or eat the right types of food.....I know this seems a silly thing to say, but encourage her to eat sensibly if you can.....you may think that what you're saying is falling on deaf ears...it isn't, trust me.
Just don't over-crowd her....sometimes she will feel the need to be alone with her thoughts, that's not a bad thing.....as long as she knows you're always there for her.
This will truly test you as a friend....remember that & you'll both get through this one day......when she realises [which won't be yet] she'll know what a great friend you are & how kind you've been to her.....this is when she's gonna find out exactly who her real friends really are......& which ones are not.
Good luck honey....I wish you both all the best.
BTW.......there's a site on the internet [well, there's a few actually] that you can encourage your friend [if she wants] or you could do it for her......where you can set up a page with memories of her fiancé.....pictures can be up-loaded & candles lit by people that knew him....she may find comfort in that & she will love that everyone else is doing stuff to keep his memory alive...
http://www.gonetoosoon.co.uk
The site above is free....the site below costs about £56 for lifetime sponsorship or it can be paid every month via direct debit with your bank for just under £3
http://www.memory-of.com
There are more on the web though if you wish to look around.
2007-04-16 00:03:33 · answer #1 · answered by Funky 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Yes you should be as natural as possible when speaking to her which means involving him in your communication. You can't pretend he never existed or try & avoid the subject, because this poor girl is absolutely consumed by her fiance & the accident at this time. I find offering to sleep over with people & just be with them after somebody close has died is a real help. Talking about him is a good thing (in the right doses).
2007-04-15 23:26:05 · answer #2 · answered by Mishell 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow, How sad, I am sorry for her. That is awful and as a friend, you should be there for her. I feel her pain, and offer to help with anything and everything. Notice things that she hasn't done or things she cant do. step up and just take care of it. Its the little things that matter. I am a reader, I love books, my friends during my loss, gave me some great books to read, there is one that has made a circle for unforeseen reasons. several friends have borrowed the book,left it somewhere and someone found it and read it and mailed it back to me, saying sorry it took so long to return my book, but they had to read it and thanked me for sharing it, this happen several times. the book is called. The five people we meet in heaven. Sharing memories is of great comfort, knowing that others loved and cared about the person you so loved and lost.
2007-04-15 23:39:23 · answer #3 · answered by livelovelaugh 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, My friends fiancee died the day before the wedding in a car crash also. We were all just there for her if she needed us. She really wanted to be alone and we respected that. AS for what to say, I'm so sorry, but that doesn't sound lke enough!
2007-04-15 23:37:09 · answer #4 · answered by luckford2004 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This truly sucks and is very complicated. Your obviously nevertheless in love at the same time with your ex. notwithstanding ya'll have damage one yet another in strategies that are emotional and could consistently have some type of barrier for your time. Its complicated to allow her flow. She hopely realized from you so at the same time as a yet another useful guy comes alongside she will be in a position to do him precise. / As for you this new female friend will be rubbing you in a sturdy way because you've suggested the way your ex looks diverse which ability your slowly drifting away. each little thing will workout consultation./ Plus its no longer useful at the same time with your new female friend your protecting decrease back she will be in a position to experience that and its only a snarled problem. don't be with our female friend in basic terms because you don't need to do her incorrect because you've been performed incorrect. persist at the same time with your heart for the most section. in basic terms let your mind carry out a touch of that artwork too.. desire this helps.
2016-12-04 02:59:33 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need not say anything about the person who died.. Be there for your friend.. help her at times, let her know that you are her true friend and she can depend on you
2007-04-15 23:35:50 · answer #6 · answered by AdultMALE 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
* Talk to her , let her know you are there for her if she needs you , it is good to know you have friends at a time like this , but sadly there is nothing you can do to cheer her up only time can heal her *
2007-04-15 23:27:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just be yourself and make sure you do not say things that will make her cry.
2007-04-15 23:38:16 · answer #8 · answered by debie 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋