Husband porn, cheater? (no clue what to say to Kristy)?

Question

My best friend came to me with this issue today, I wan't sure what to tell her other than sorry, men can suck (no I'm not sexist).

She told me that she had secretely seen her husband with porn masturbating while he thought she was asleep beside of him! (this happened several times)

but he never knew she knew (she said she was 99% sure)


then one day much later (she hadn't caught him doing this in a long time) he came to her and said that he wanted to let her know how much he loved her, that he had always struggled with porn, but had quit looking at it, lately, because he felt like he was cheating her

and then she caught him today. (doing it while he thought she was asleep beside of him)

She's not sure what to say to him, or why he would randomly lie
they have sex frequently

she told me she's not sure if she would cheat also, and is baiting him through myspace

which I said may not be a good idea if he finds out
but
what should I tell her,
I can't relate

Answer 1

Erotica is simply an alternative form of sexual arousal; it is harmless fantasy and nothing more.

Regarding fantasy, Helen Fisher ("The First Sex," Ballantine Books, Feb. 2000) says that 71 percent of men and 72 percent of women fantasize while having sex with a partner. Men fantasize about conquest and domination, women about submission and surrender.

Dr. Joyce Brothers says, "It might relieve some of your guilt to know that many happily married individuals who have no thought or intention of ever betraying their spouse have sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse."

Both men and women (single and in a relationship) have shown a desire to enjoy erotica in some form.

As long as a partner is taking care of his/her obligations and responsibilities (job, family) and seeing that the other person is being fulfilled sexually, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with enjoying alternative forms of arousal.

Also, in a truly healthy, mature sexual relationship, BOTH men and women enjoy pleasuring themselves, and it is NO reflection upon the quality of other sex they share/enjoy.

Enjoying masturbation and/or erotica is NOT "cheating."

Answer 2

Sorry Epic Of Mike, I've got a different take on this. I hate how people want to put it up with drug addiction. Or rather it angers me to no end, because it's not the full story. Porn "addiction" is a sexual dysfunction, not an addiction. The fact is its our perceptions that allow us to "get off" on sex. It isn't a one stroke fits all senerio. Her poor hubby there hasn't fully self-actualized yet, which is bad for your friend. The reason why, how, and whats going on in his head are way deeper then not doing it for awhile and find something esle to do to fill the void. Sexual dysfunctions like this speck volumes about a history of problems. He would also have problems relating his feelings in an honest way so the whole talking out the sex issues wouldn't work. He without knowing it, has paint'd a fantasy world for himself. Not in a good sense, more in the, man I would love to have better then my wife, I need a women like that, I need that, and that. O my I could use that, wow thats what I need. He is twisting his mind because of his inability to accquant sex with emotion. If he did he wouldn't be able to get off with the porn. It would loss its potency because it lacks any feeling, any emotion, any intensity. But ether he is scared of such an encounter, doesn't know how to have an encounter like that, or is not the type to treat himself or anything in his world with this kind of well the words "Intimacy". Which is really his problem, his inability to accually be intimate.... its more then just sex, its how you interpet it. Tell her Mike had it, its going to come down some heavy conseling. The only other cheaper cure would happen if those two could find away to increase there level of intimacy by relating more honestly the way they feel. This stuff doesn't work for drug addictions thou, that play's on different factors. The problem comes form the physical contact, which is whats lack'd in most addictions, theres no intimacy to deny. This is an interpersonal survival technique that helps individuals cope with the fact, they don't know how to make love.... love making isn't a special technique, or a way of physically having sex, its how you interpet that encounter that makes it love-making..... of course its easier to take your time love-making... but this is beyond an addiction, there is deeper issues invovled.

Answer 3

sounds like he has a pornography addiction, especially if they do have a healthy sex life. She'll have to treat it as if he had a drug or alcohol problem, either help him work through it (therapy), or draw a firm line on it at home which will require direct confrontation at home. Tell her to avoid ultimatums and ask open questions in a calm understanding manner. "Why do you like it so much?" "Is there anything you'd like to change about our sex life?" etc. It just may be that he sees some sexual act on porn that hes too embarrassed to talk to her about.