My stepdaughter lies all the time, what should i do?

Question

My 14 yr old stepdaughter lies all the time!!! Lies about every dum things AND steals. Once she stole my gold diamond rings from my jewel box and flashed one of them down into a toilet!! When she was caught, she lies about it, tiring to convince her dad that she didn't do anything. Well, he didn't buy that off course. We have 2 daughters, 5 and 1. My SD moved in our house about 2 years ago because, her mom married to a guy and my SD claimed that he touched her.(I doubt it) She obviously doesn't like my 5yrs old and says bad things about her (I happened to read some letters my stepdaughter wrote to her friends). We sat down and talk. I tried to be there when she needs some help. My husband did whatever it seemed good to stop her bad habit. BUT she doesn't stop lying and it's just getting sneaker. It's really bothers me when my SD acts so mean to my 5yrs daughter. I know I have to communicate but, I'm tired. I don't feel like talking to her or accusing her for her lies. Any suggestion?

Thanks for great answers! I just wanted to add that we have been to Therapy. Well, that’s where my doubt started.
When my SD told her mom that she was touched by her Step dad, they went to a police station and file a police report.
He was taken by police officers from home and released a couple of hours later. We all were there to help her. My husband was very angry and took full custody of her. So, we went Therapy shortly after my SD moved in our house. At therapy, my step daughter talked about what happened that day her Step father “touched” her… My SD’s story was different from the police report. Her mom doesn’t seem being too crazy to say my SD is lying. My SD also told her friends that my 5yrs old is a thief and blame her for stealing things from me. We live small town; I’m concerned that people might think my little girl as not really who she is... That breaks my heart...

Answer 1

As I'm sure that many therapists would agree, this really sounds like an attempt by your SD to gain attention from her father. She may cause trouble, tell lies, participate in theft, etc.

Your children are probably seen by her as competition for attention, especially if they are younger.

In my opinion, she will probably continue to act out like this until she grows out of it ..... or she gets scared.

Our daughter went through a lot of the same behavior. She finally was arrested for trying to pass one of our stolen checks at a bank. She got very scared when she had to spend a few hours in jail.

She has turned into a lovely lady in the last couple of years. It can change. I pray it does for you and yours.

Hob

Answer 2

Well you have to consider that she's still young, she comes from a broken home and she's been thrown into a lot in the past few years. New sisters and parents. Maybe she's craving attention. My suggestion is have one day a week where she can pick something the family does together, like a game night or movie night, or even craft night. That night should be a focus on her night also for you and your husband, just so she can get that dose of attention she craves. My brother's is currently going through this with his twleve year old and their counselor suggested a family activity night of her choosing and it seems to be working. They dont have much money so they have a movie and sundae night ever sunday - by her choice. the family gets together and makes sundays and she picks the movie and they watch it together. It seems to be working, she's calmed down a lot. Another thing thats helped her is family meetings, where they talk about the problems she is having with the family or at school. then her parents help her through the problems, as best as they can. You could also try getting her into some extracurriculars at school - keep her occuppied so she doesnt have time to lie cheat and steal. Maybe she'll meet some friends so she has people to talk with if she doesnt feel comfortable talking to you guys. Good Luck

Answer 3

It will only work if your husband supports you and he needs to initiate it, but I found the best solution is to remind them of every single perk in their life. Clear out every thing that is a reward until they can respect everyone in the family and their belongings they need a mattress, a lamp, 4-5 outfits nothing special, a pillow, blanket, school books you get the idea. Everything else is earned and stealing or lying is not the way to get it. Replacing things she stole, fixing things she broke, and if you give it back by Sunday you will not get the results you are looking for. She needs to understand and appreciate what the impact of her actions has had on the entire family and how respect can help everyone have pride and live without fear in their home.

Answer 4

Go to family counseling, you may also want to take her alone. Try not to think everything she says is a lie, that would be helpful. My stepdaughter, I thought was the same way , we had many, many, long talks, & I kept a good eye on her, & explained why the things she did was wrong, & why she shouldn't do them . It will take a lot of patience & time . She was probably raised in a way that she had to lie & be sneaky. If she came there to live after you got married it was probably because she liked you & her Dad better than her Mom & Stepfather, & if she says he touched her try to believe her she can probably tell you don't believe her. Try not to be mean to her & try to respect her & try to ask questions about why she does thing & what her reasons are for doing things & feeling like she has to lie & be sneaky. My husband & I have been married 6 years, & he still sometimes forgets who he is married to, cause he will get pi**ed at a really innocent question ,like why are you so late, because thats how she would start with him & then throw can food at him, or whatever she could get her hands on. There is no telling what she did to her child, I have twice seen where my stepdaughter tried to commit suicide while living with her mother, & another time she tried to O.D. on aspirin. I found that out when we got the statement from the insurance company, & she was scared to death of her Mom. She probably mistreats the 5 year old because she thinks you love her more than you love her. My step daughter used to mistreat her little sister & brag about it, because once she came along her mom started treating her like a red headed step child. I told her it wasn't her sisters fault & she couldn't help what her Mom did & we had a nice long talk & she stopped mistreating her little sister. Stop accusing her & just talk to her like you would like her to talk to you, she has to learn she can trust you before she will tell you anything. YOU have a lot more talking to do so get over it & start talking. Don't yell at her, don't accuse her of anything, don't be mean, don't think everything she says is a lie, try to respect her & give her a chance to become a better person. She can & will with the proper guidance. Mine did, she finally got the courage to leave her moms & move in with us. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

i agree with q66....

if you worry that this behaviour will be affecting her in her adult life, then take her to councelling or something. But if you dont then perhaps its just another teenage phase...We've all been there right? The need to rebel? She's only 14...be a little more patient with her. Show her that you love her too just as much as you love your own daughters. Maybe she is feeling un-loved.

Btw, if one said that someone touched her, its best if you would show concern over that instead of doubting that that was even possible. What if it's true? And if you think that kids cant sense of what you are feeling, then you are so wrong.

Answer 6

Did you come from a broken home? Do you understand her feelings? Do you take the time to understand how she feels when she sees her Dad take someone else besides her mom to bed? You are the adult here, you need to take a good deal of time trying to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would react if you were her. Step parents are one of the biggest problems in the world today because they have no natural feelings for the kids they only want the kids parents. Seek family counseling and put yourself into it with all you've got and you might discover if it isn't too late just what all she has been through. Best Wishes

Answer 7

i have actually just gone through this sort of myself.

what you have to do is sit down with your husband and talk to him about it....then when u have worked that out u need to sit down n hav a talk to your SD, together.

-start taking things away from her. do not let her pick on your 5yr old...tell her to stand in the corner and stare at the wall everytime she does it...tell her she will not be seeing her friends and take her phone previllages away from her. u have to start cracking down because you will lose your cool soon, and all it will do is hurt your marriage.
-have u tried taking her to a councellor? that myt b a good idea especially if her Step father may/may not have touched her.
-just start punishing her. send her to bed early...tell ur husband u don't want to put up with it anymore n u think u should take her to go see somebody...does she still c her mother?do u speak to her mother? let her know what's going on.......ask if she was like when she was at her mothers...it's the only way to find out, so u can deal with it.

let me know what happens?

Answer 8

This is definitely a case where a counselor is needed. Your interfamily relationships are dysfunctional. Is she ADHD? Or opositonal defiance disorder? Depressed? These things may be the root of the problem. Maybe something else. But the root of the anger must be found by a neutral party. Don't ask her questions about it. Leave that to the counselor.

Answer 9

14 is a very tough age especiayl for someone who probably feels like a step daughter. in your house she most likely feels like an outsider (despite your best efforts) her dad has you and you guys have your kids and her mother has her husband but where does that leave her. as for whether or not the man "touched" her. its may or may not be true but it is definitely something to be taken seriously, whether it is true or just a cry for help. she may be feeling like the only way to get attention from anyone is by victimizing herself. i cant stress enough that 14 is an extremely tough age to be. especially with such major family transitions taking place around you. she probably feels like she is out of place and invisible in every aspect of her life and it is very likely that these "lies" and obvious rebellions are the only way she knows how to get attention from anyone. negative or positive, attention is attention. does she get noticed more when she lies or steals? do you compliment her when shes not doing something wrong?

Answer 10

stuff like this, you'll need DR PHIL. or maybe DR LAURA. take it twice a day and then call me when it works. hehhee.
just kidding. situations like this, might have started where her mom married another guy. instead of pouring her anger to her mom, she might instead do it to you. i know talking have always been done. it's hard to say don't give up, because from what you have said you've done everything including talking. or you could always do the reverse psychology. if she lies, you lie. wether it's white lie or not. have faith. God Bless. time will come, she will open up to you. who knows she might change in a whole new way. just hope not in the wrong way. take care.