My ex-husband is dating a woman with the same name as mine, who is 10 years older (she's 47, ex is same age as me) who looks like an older version of me with the same features, dark hair and blue eyes. Doesn't this sound a little disturbing? He says older women are more secure. He says he doesn't want to be with me, yet almost every woman he's dated since he left has some similarity to me, be it looks, hair or personality. It's like he's looking for me, but in someone else. We still talk, and whenever he visits he tells me he still loves me and he always talks about me when he's with other women because he can't get me out of his thoughts. A friend of his asked him in front of me why did he leave me if he can't forget me? She told him he's stupid for leaving me, that he doesn't know what he gave up and we should get back together! I just don't know. Am I wrong in assuming he still wants to be with me? It seems like he does. We were together for 20 years and we have a teenage daughter.
2007-04-15 15:00:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have asked him if he wants to reconcile, he said he doesn't know. I'm asking here because I need an unbiased, outside opinion on this because I asked my family and they never really liked him so their input is useless to me, it's all one-sided. That's what this forum is for, to ask questions and to get answers. Thank you. And I saw her picture, she looks like me. It's kind of creepy!
2007-04-15 15:12:46 · update #1
The reason we broke up is because he didn't want to deal with my weight and health issues. I found out last year I am diabetic, he said that was something I brought onto myself. He said he can't wait for me to lose weight, he wants a skinny woman now. When I suggested councelling he said no, that if we couldn't fix it ourselves, nobody could. He said marriage shouldn't be work, it should just be. I am not a proud person. I bent over backwards for him and he just walked away when he couldn't handle things. He likes to flirt and he said if I couldn't accept it, then he couldn't be here anymore. He spends his life online in chat rooms, meeting women. I'm trying to move on, but he keeps coming around. I just wanted some opinions.
2007-04-15 15:21:45 · update #2
No it isn’t weird... its common for that to happen because of the amount of time you two where married. He is attracted to a certain type of look. This is something that doesn’t leave a person. It is always there.
Now the real problem is the reason he left it’s because of your weight... That too me is a pretty lame excuse. When you marry someone you marry for that person because of a number of reasons so the attraction never leaves.
If a person wants to be with a certain type shape of a person they should seek what they are looking for at the beginning...so that later they still have it. Not 5-10 ... 20 years later decide you want something that "looks better". To me when a person doesn’t go for exactly what they are looking for they are settling....
A number of excuse are coming into play.. health, appearance, looks, finds marriage work , talking with a number of women online, play the field. He isn’t happy at all with the relationship. No honey there is more to the story. Online flirting always causes problems. This is a big NO-NO in any relationship. Because it normally leads to a lot more.
Sure he still loves you but he isn’t “In Love” with you. Chemistry is gone. He is being very, very selfish .. Yet honest with you at the same time. The problem with that is he is also making you feel guilty and its your fault. He is leaving because YOU caused it. No that’s not it.. He wants MORE
Now you need to separate from him. Tell him flat out Please stop coming here so much. I need my space.
He is also sending you mixed signals. He is moving forward but not allowing you to do the same. When you do loose your weight he will be around again. Or when you start seeing another person.
I don’t know what it is with most men they have a really hard time picturing the women they love with another man yet they can be with who ever they want.
I understand you want to still be with him after all 20 years of marriage is a long time to spend your life with then to not want it. I don’t think it would be wise to take him back, reason is he is playing head games with you .. so YOU will change to what he wants. He wants more freedom to see other people while you are at home. This isn’t healthy for you when your marriage was never like that before.
I really don’t know what else to say other then things have changed for the worse. Don’t let him change who you are ..just so he will stay.. that isn’t fair...
2007-04-15 16:17:22 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He can't forget you because you were together for 20 yrs! thats over half his life! Everytime he looks in your daughters eyes he will see you. And it is only natural for him to still love you, its just a different kind of love, whether he can make that distinction or not.
I was with my ex husband for 5 yrs, and we separated 4 yrs ago. I still think about him every day.
I think its a little weird that your husband is dating a women so similar. I think he finds comfort in this familiarity, I don;'t think it has anything to do with a want for you.
I think you both need some counselling, 20yrs is a long time. It won't go away over night
2007-04-15 15:10:57 · answer #2 · answered by loza500 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I married two red headed scorpios in a row. Maybe your traits and your values etc etc are just something your ex looks for in general. So in that case it is not so weird. I will always love my second husband too, but it does not mean we should be together. Why did you break up in the first place? Obviously there was something wrong there that could not be fixed. Share your daughter. Remain friends. Enjoy what you had, but move on would be the best advice. Find your own ex-husband look-a-like and enjoy yourself.
2007-04-15 15:11:29 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you considered that maybe he had dated someone before you that people would consider similar to you and say you're just an older version of that girl? You cant compare people so easily! My last boyfriend had the same name as the one I have now and it's not weird at all. My current boyfriend dated 2 other girls with my same name in the past! but no, it's not weird to me. I think maybe you should accept it and move on. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you now (if you'd take him back). Maybe you're his TYPE but things just got sour and couldn't continue. or maybe both of you are just too proud.
2007-04-15 15:09:03 · answer #4 · answered by Manda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a little weird and yes, it does sound as though he's looking for another "you". Sometimes people tend to do that. I've seen people date other people who look similar to their exes. Do you want to still be with him? Maybe you could work out whatever differences you had that made you break up in the first place. His older woman excuse sounds pretty lame to me.
2007-04-15 15:05:44 · answer #5 · answered by patchouligirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To answer the first part of your question - yeah that is weird. Funny too. One of my ex-boyfriends married someone with the same name as me. i just laughed!!!
As for the weight problem --- if that is the reason he left you ---- he's a jerk. No one stays at the perfect weight all their life. I'm sure he put on a few pounds himself.
Try dieting (if only to feel better about yourself). I started taking vitamins and eating less. The vitamins gave me energy. I lost 14 pounds in 14 days.
Good luck to you.
2007-04-16 09:00:58 · answer #6 · answered by DEBBIE G 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uhm maybe you should get over it. He is out there meeting people and living life while you're sitting there comparing yourself to these women and even if they are like you, maybe that's the type of women he likes, so what? He left for a reason, you are just trying to find a way to make it hurt less. You ought to be living as well. Just my opinion, er sorry if it sounds mean.
2007-04-15 15:03:57 · answer #7 · answered by KungFu Ninja 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not disturbing or weird, some guys go for certain kinds of women.
As for the same name, it depends on how common your name is. It would be more weird to not date a person because of their name.
2007-04-15 15:28:06 · answer #8 · answered by joe b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does it sound disturbing. Not really. She probably has similar features, but I doubt if she looks like you. Does he still want you? How should we know. Instead of asking us, the one you need to asking is him. Peace and God bless.
2007-04-15 15:08:05 · answer #9 · answered by cave man 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
letting go of 20yrs together is hard .......that is why perhaps he finds woman who resemble your good traits..and he will always hold you dear to his heart....something broke the two of you up after 20yrs........Just be thankful you and he still communicate......and that he is still in your daughters life. Alot of ppl after 20yrs...hate their partner and don't want or have anything to do with them.
Be happy for him..that he's trying to move on and you should do the same* GoodLUck*
2007-04-15 15:06:52 · answer #10 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋