losing brother because of my marriage?

Question

This is a bit difficult too discuss but I will try in hope to find some suggestions... My brother hates my husband of 3 years. Even when I was dating him, my brother threatened to kill him! I have been together with my husband for nearly 7 years before I married him and since then, the relationship with my brother is ruined. He has not talked to me in years and it is very hurtful and I feel torn.... I should maybe add here that my hubby is black, so I also considered that my brother is racist. But I come from a multicultural background too, asian/tibetan/german... so I do not understand.
I have no idea how to win my brother back. Should I forget about him?

Thanks to everybody in advance!
Someone asked why I am asking about this now since it has been goin on 7 years.. well, I was never truly comfortable with it from the start.. it is just now, I am first time pregnant ( I am in my 13th week) and I wish that my brother would see his little niece or nephew someday and take part in his her life...the rest of my fam is okay with me being married and having a baby by the man I love - I just don't know why can't he? (He stereotypes him, so it is prejudice right?)

ohh...answer to one of you:
my parents are highly upset about this mess especially my Dad.. they are both very accepting and tolerate a lot, they are just very sad about my brother doing this. I did not chose to stop speaking to him, he did from the start threaten me to chose or lose him as a brother. It happened very quickly.
Another one of you asked...
what excactly had he done to my brother? Nothing!! I have no idea why he is labeling him as being a scum bag or drug dealer or good for nothing... etc. you get the idea... it is a bit of prejuduce right?! I mean he labels him as a drug dealer, even though he does not do any of these things. It makes me mad at times.

Answer 1

Your brother needs to grow up. If your husband treats you with respect and you are both in love, your brother needs to back off. It is his problem not yours. You need to stick by your husband. Your brother is your brother. That is it. If he can not stand by you in your choice, then he loses out. It is a sad thing when family members can not respect someone's decision.

I hope you are happy with your husband & you are both living life till its fullest. You did not chose to make your brother stop speaking to you, he chose. So remember that. What does your parents say about all this?

Maybe someday your brother will realize that he is being really silly and unfair. I'm sure one day he will come around or call you.

Good luck

Ok I just read you are pregnant. Focus on your baby and your family. You need to have peace & rest while pregnant. Don't have any contact with your brother until after you give birth. You can not put your baby at risk.
The only problem he has with your brother is that he is black? Well, if that is the case, he has some serious issues. He can only see the color of someone's skin, then he is in for a rude awakening. What goes around comes around.

You can pray about the situation, but you can not control the situation. Stay away from conflict & pain. You don't want your baby to grow up with all that trouble. You will not be teaching your child anything good if you get involved with nonsense. Just pray about it and see what happens down the road.

Get lots of rest and only surround yourself with love & happiness.

God Bless

Answer 2

People don't threaten to kill others for no reason. Your husband must have been provoking your brother a lot. You have to consider wheather you think that your brother is a rough argumentitive type anyway. Because if he isn't then there must be something wrong. I'm not at all rasist and all my friends are from all different backgrounds and cultures, but on a stereotypical point of view black people tend to be a bit more arguementitive than white people. Your husband must be horrific around your brother, to make your brother be this way. Think about it. Maybe inside your husband is an ogre. Maybe your brother is an ogre. I know you have been with your husband for years, but i mean you can't forget about your brother. If you were close with your brother, then it's all very sad. Surely blood family is the most important, it is a coincidence you met and fell in love with this stranger, but your brother is your brother forever, and if you have a huge fall out with your husband, you want your brother there by your side supporting you. It's natural to be close to your sibblings, sibblings look out for eachother, and maybe your brother was looking out for you by showing a dislike in your husband. There is something wrong. On family reunions, one of you will fail to turn up and it'll be awkward for everyone else. I say you call him when your husband is out and try and make up. Even if he refuses to make up, then just ask him why he hates your husband so much. If your husband has done something very horrible to your brother or anyone else then i would consider divorce. If your husband was violent, think about your baby. However if your brother has no reason that is amazongly bad, then tell your brother that it would be better for you, him and the family and your husband and your new baby that the two men should be civil, and leave whats in the past behind them. Your brother can't reject you surely, and if he is all iffy on the phone then say something funny or sweet that you used to say or do when you were younger just to lighten things up and you can remember old times when you were happy brother and sister.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxx

Answer 3

In this case your husband should come above your brother. Do not have any contact with your brother since he hates your husband. Why does he hate him so much if i may ask? I do not feel that there is a way you can ever win your brother back. Just love your husband and be happy and live your life and let your brother go. If your brother can never approve or accept your marriage it is him with the problem here and NOT you and there is nothing you can do to fix or change him for that matter.

Answer 4

This a very unfortunate situation. The one losing out will be your brother. I know you must miss him very much, but it is not your fault he feels the way he does. Is he like this with all blacks? Or is it specifically centered on your husband? Leave him be. If you are happy with your husband and he fulfills your needs then your brother needs to understand that he makes you happy. If he is a racist then there is nothing you can do about it.

Be yourself, show him that you are happy with this man. Maybe some day he'll come around, when he grows up that is. Don't turn your back on him, but in the same token, don't let him put a damper on your happiness.

Answer 5

Been there, done that... and guess what, still doing it, but you know what? don't over- think about it. You cannot put your two sweet feet in 10 shoes... try to make your own husband happy, and that's what counts, because we all try try try, we even have arguments and disagreements with our husbands or partners or boyfriends, and then realise years later that it was not worth it. Whatever you do, however you do, brothers and sisters will always have a comment, critisism, judgement, opionions about your own marriage, life, and lifestyle.

Once they were brothers and sisters, you were young, lived in the same house, but as the years go by and you have flown out like a free bird to find your own little nest, life changes and it is their choice whether they want to stay from a happy person like you, or welcome himself to accept of who your husband is, who your boyfriend is and how your life has changed. you never know, one day he may regret and realise of this, you just don't feel guilty about it, its' not your falt.
good luck

Answer 6

Why doesnt he like your husband? If he threatened to kill him your brother has serious issues with him. Ask your brother what bugs him so much about your husband. I dont think it is racisim unless he is only racist towards blacks. I can see why you are torn about this issue. Does your husband have issues with your brother? Did he dislike him first? Talk to your brother. It is your choice who you spend your life with. I would not completley forget about your brother. However, I would explain to him that you love your husband and he should be happy for you. Not be threating your brother. This happend to my Dad and his sister. She married a man that my Dad does not approve of and they have a distant relationship. My Dad did not threaten him though. You are torn between two people that you love. This is a tough situation. Best of luck to you!

God Bless!

Answer 7

I suspect your brother is pretty much lost to you. Focus on your relationship with your husband, not your brother. Just send a note once a year in which you spend one paragraph reminiscing about old times and two or three paragraphs telling him about your current family.

Sometimes a crisis will help heal relationships. Somes it won't. You might seek out a counselor: someone to whom you can talk without the fear of inflicting hurt. There is no way you can speak to your husband out this easily. Just talk about it until you're tired of talking about it. Then put it behind you.

Answer 8

I feel you. I come from a country which simply put does not have much contact with blacks, and therefore it is mighty strange for a girl to go out and date a black guy (whom I met while studying abroad). My sister was personally ok with it, but my some of male friends back home reacted REALLY nasty. Some admitted they were in the wrong, the others are my ex-friends now. I won't tolerate ppl telling me I love the wrong person just because of his skin colour.

Answer 9

You cant make him like him. Its sad when a person must choose between the one their life long partner and family members. i think racism is stupid myself if I dont like someone its not because of their skin its because of their actions. Just be happy if your brother cant accept him then dont worry about it as long as you love him and he loves you and he makes you feel like a woman should thats all that matters. In time maybe your brother will start to come around and see what lucky man is in his sisters life. Be happy if family cant accept your spouse dont woory about it. i have been w/ the same man for 9 years and he takes good care of us we have had our issues but my family has nothing to do w/ him and I could care less. I hoped I helped.

Answer 10

Why did your brother threatened to kill him? If he did that out of racism then I think your brother has bigger issues than your marriage alone. In any case, just focus on your marriage and if your brother decides to come around, let him and avoid holding grudges against him. You don't have to win him back. It isn't your fault he feels this way and no amount of convincing from you is going to change his mind. He has to come to terms with it on his own good time.