My name is Gabriel Vasquez Moreno, I went through a lot of challenges during my Junior year of high school. I want to be accepted into Dominguez Hills. I do not wish for sympathy, but for one chance to prove to my self all that I have been through will reach an accomplished end.
The time consuming experiences were moving, and caring for my grandfather who was very ill for 2 months. I could write about the hours I spent facing these challenges. But no, I’ll save you the time and empathy. Because there were greater challenges I had to overtake. I may sound dull, or even rude but don’t judge me just yet.
As you can see my two last names are from my mother and father. I thought I should be proud of my own two last names my parents gave to me. In reality I found out in my fist semester of Junior year my last two names were given to me due to a family feud. You may or not believe this but, these two last names brought headaches and tiredness. My own family arguing. This was the main reason my grades lowered down. Again I do not wish for sympathy I need one chance from this university to get away from all these headaches and to achieve my desired goals.
My family feud tired me out for 3 months I arrived to school everyday worn out. I only wanted rest. The reason why I was so tired was because my brother and sister were not being recognized by my family and their own grades started slipping. I stayed up until 12 pm fixing their homework errors I woke up at 5 am to get my brother and sister for school. Both my brother and sister graduated from elementary because of my decision to not allow them to fail. I believe my parents only gave them food and a house to live in, they expected me to teach and show both my brother and sister how to respond to the society they live in because my parents do not speak English. I felt the teachers did not care of the problems in my house I never really complained to the teachers or a counselor because I did not have time. I was failing most classes. At the end of the third month the feud actually stopped. The class work was piled up in my backpack. I completed most of it and turned them in.
Despite all my problems in my junior year I hope the exception comity gives me the opportunity to study in Dominguez Hills. I chose Dominguez Hills because , I know I can achieve at this college. My ambition to keep up with my class in the last month of my junior year allowed me to earn the 5 credits from the University. Before you the exception comity I have written this personal essay to let you see the fundamental achievements I will accomplish. I hope you, the exception comity, will reach a decision that will help give me a chance to get a great education.
I look forward to continuing to study at Dominguez Hills.
2007-04-15 05:50:51 · 7 answers · asked by Extra 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
Too much of a sympathy request....I'd not accept you, you sound like a cry baby. WRite about your accomplishments such as...
over the past year I've successfully cared for a dying family member, helped resolve a family feud, and successfully competed most of my classes.
Request assistance and ensure that you will succeed.
Good luck
2007-04-15 06:02:24 · answer #1 · answered by Thinktank 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, Gabriel! I found your essay very interesting! But I did find a few errors and have fixed them for you. Good luck!!
My name is Gabriel Vasquez Moreno, I went through a lot of challenges during my Junior year of high school. I want to be accepted into Dominguez Hills. I do not wish for sympathy, but for one chance to prove to myself and all that I have been through will reach an accomplished end.
The time consuming experiences were moving and caring for my grandfather who was very ill for 2 months. I could write about the hours I spent facing these challenges. But no, I’ll save you the time and empathy. Because there were greater challenges I had to overtake. I may sound dull, or even rude, but don’t judge me just yet.
As you can see my two last names are from my mother and father. I thought I should be proud of my own two last names my parents gave to me. In reality I found out in my fist semester of Junior year, my last two names were given to me due to a family feud. You may, or may not, believe this, but these two last names brought headaches and tiredness. My own family arguing contributed to the headaches and tiredness. This was the main reason my grades started to slip. Again, I do not wish for sympathy. All I need is one chance from this university to get away from all these headaches and to achieve my desired goals.
My family feud tired me out for 3 months, and I arrived to school everyday worn out. I only wanted rest. The reason why I was so tired, was because my brother and sister were not being recognized by my family. Which caused their own grades to start slipping. I stayed up until 12 am fixing their homework errors, and I woke up at 5 am to get my brother and sister ready for school. Both my brother and sister graduated from elementary school, because of my decision to not allow them to fail. I believe my parents only gave them food and a house to live in. They expected me to teach and show both my brother and sister how to respond to the society they lived in, because my parents do not speak English. I felt the teachers did not care for the problems in my house, and I never really complained to the teachers or a counselor, because I did not have time. I was failing most classes. At the end of the third month, the feud actually stopped. The class work was piled up in my backpack. I completed most of it and turned them in.
Despite all my problems in my junior year, I hope the acception committee gives me the opportunity to study in Dominguez Hills. I chose Dominguez Hills, because I know I can achieve greatness at this college. My ambition to keep up with my classes in the last month of my junior year allowed me to earn the 5 credits from the University. Before you, the acception committee, I have written this personal essay to let you see the fundamental achievements I have and will accomplish. I hope you, the acception committee, will reach a decision that will help give me a chance to get a great education.
I look forward to continuing to study at Dominguez Hills.
2007-04-15 06:11:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, there are definitely some grammar problems. Be careful with run-on sentences and comma usage (many comma problems such as comma splices, lack of a comma, and problems with lack of coordinating conjuctions in some places) see http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html for some helpful tips
......and please note that comity is incorrect and the word is spelled committee ( and i think you mean acceptance committee and not exception comity)...and also just a suggestion, maybe explain why this particular school will help you succeed i.e. why it is better suited for you than other colleges or is there a particular course of study you hope to pursue there?
2007-04-15 06:07:01 · answer #3 · answered by puffyamiyumi14 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are trying to get into Dominguez Hills don't use a sob story. Tell them what you have learned previosuly from there and what you will continue to do. Also tell them how going there will help you in your future.
2007-04-15 06:02:36 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good use of language and punctuation but you keep on starting your sentences with i otherwise that is an A
2007-04-15 05:54:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You stayed up until noon fixing their papers? Or do you mean twelve o' clock am?
2007-04-15 05:59:21 · answer #6 · answered by Toast Master 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a sob story with a few mistakes.
2007-04-15 05:57:38 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋