What should you forgive and what should you not forgive in a relationship?

Question

My lady called my kids from a previous marriage, whom she doesn't even know "ugly bit*chs". She sent obscene text messages to one of my daughters.

She is manic in her jealousy which is symptomatic of her insecurity that jealousy is killing our relationship. She can't watch TV with me present incase some partial nudity appears, newspaper shops are out and walking down the street with her is difficult.

To explain she was abandoned by her father at 8 yrs old not seeing him until 16 then she was raped and imprisoned at 17 for some weeks by a psycho. So she has anger and insecurity issues.

She is in total denial that she is not behaving normally so will never admit that she needs to seek help unless I admit there is something wrong with me and I get help too - (I'm not perfect but I am100% faithfull and don't want to give up)

Apart from this 90% of the time this is the perfect woman, sexy, attractive, intelligent and fun + very importantly the mother of my son.

What to do

Answer 1

Tell her that you want to get counseling for yourself. This is a set up to get her to go.Go to the counseling a couple of times alone to let the counselor know what is going on. He/she will help you to get your wife involved. Do what it takes and say what you have to say to her ....... just to get her there.You must do this anyway you can to get the help that is needed. In the long run it will all work out for the betterment of your relationship. She was tramatized and very scared and hurt from the past. She is afraid iside and acting out and dosn't seem to realize her own behavior. Her safety in life was violated and it hurt her ability to evaluate the trust worthiness of others.She tries very hard to put things behind her 90% of the time.....then 10% of the time she is helpless to the consequence of things pouring out through excessive fears, anxiety, and the stress from it all.She was affected at such a young age by being sexually and mentally abused and no feeling in the world is worse when you are violated like that. Find an expert who can help her. I am sure she is a great person that wishes she didn't feel this way when things get out of controll in her world. Just support her and let her know how much you love and care for her. Best wishes.

Answer 2

She is in total denial that she is not behaving normally.

You may have a problem.

Or is it that she is in total denial that she is not behaving normally for someone who has experienced trauma?

You need to let her gently know when her behavior is inappropriate. She needs to have an understanding of you as an individual.

Partial nudity on TV is not going to send you into a primal frenzy that leaves her without her man.
You are not going to run off with the girl on the magazine cover. Her thinking is irrational.

If such things were true you never would have made it far enough to make her your partner, or home after work for that matter.

As far as her reaction to the children. Once again, you can gently inform her that her response to small children is inappropriate. Can she not appreciate them on the basis that they are your flesh and blood, as is her son?
Does that not automatically qualify them as beautiful?

What purpose does it serve to text the daughter? We are talking about a child. Obscenity with children is inappropriate.
You should gently make this clear, along with your expectation that the children be treated with common courtesy if she cannot afford them anything else.

Show her where the boundaries are and let her know there shouldn't be a compromise regarding them.

You love her, you will be there for her, but regardless of TV, magazine covers, and other women in the grocery store, it has been your choice to come home to her.

Answer 3

As a mother of three children, one from a previous relationship it disturbs me that you do not see the extreme mental disturbance your lady friend has concerning your children. I have been in a happy committed relationship for the past ten years but my children come first, period. If my partner degraded my children verbally and crippled our relationship with insecure jealous behavior I would demand that either they put enough value on our relationship to get some mental health treatment or I would leave. At the end of the day these children rely on us as the adults to protect them and teach them right from wrong. How can you do this when you allow a women who claims to love you disrespect your children and disrespect you?

Answer 4

The first thing I would is get the both of you to a therapist. You will need counseling also for her behavior. I feel for her because I know what it is like to be a jealous(not to that extreme) person. What she went through is defiantly coming out in your relationship. I would tell her that you will go with her to the therapist, which should make her feel more comfortable. If she refuses or it does not seem to help, then I would seriously think about which is more important, your sanity or your marriage! Good Luck!

Answer 5

You cannot "fix" what is eating her--she needs intensive therapy, she has suffered severe trauma and is showing signs of an inability to cope. This comes out in jealousy, anger, and an altered sense of what is right and wrong. She feels competative with your daughters, acts betrayed by your relationship with them. You can forgive her for all of this, for she know not how to cope--her best bet is to start individual counseling, eventually adding you and your daughters in to a few family sessions. This will not get better over time-it will get worse--encourage her to seek treatment, so that the two of you can live out your lives-happily ever after. She will appreciate it if you will stand by her.

Answer 6

There are two things I absolutely could not forgive.
1. Cheating
2. Cruelty to my children.
I cannot believe you could stay with someone - no matter how sorry you feel for her - that could treat your children that way. They should come first. Your lady needs some serious counseling. I believe you should back off of this relationship until she gets it. Maybe a temporary separation will motivate her to seek it. You could end up losing your other children's love and respect if you don't take a stand.

Answer 7

ANYONE who called my kids "ugly bit*chs" would never hear from me again. There's no excuse for her behavior.
She has had a tough life but that doesn't give her a free pass to be rude and disrespectful to others.
Stand up for yourself and your kids. She needs more help than you can give her, even if it is good 90% of the time. The remaining 10% of time will likely make you crazy and almost certainly destroy your relationship with your kids. They come first!

Answer 8

Unless she is in counseling for these issues, hon, they will only get worse with time. This sounds like baggage, big time --- rage, insecurity, jealousy, and denial of her inappropriate actions....already your assessment.... You'd be nuts to buy into this one at this time. Unfortunately, you and she have a child together???? Too bad, frankly, for not only you, and she, but his as well.

Since you say you don't want to give up, guess you already know what you are going to do. In any event, you owe parenting to your son.....

Answer 9

Sounds like this is out of your reach I think if you allow this to continue she might just get worse and what about your son when will she treat him the same as your other kids? She won't get help in her eyes shes fine and you allowing this only confirms her actions.She might need help professionally . Your relationship with your kids is what you need to keep in mind. You need to be there for them . She is a negative person and is not happy with herself. Start setting some ground rules and stand up to her behavior. You need a healthy relationship for you and your family.

Answer 10

It sounds like you really lover her which is great, because she needs all the support she can get. You really should try getting her to get some help, even if that means that you say "I'll get some help if you get some help" and then both of you go to shrinks (It seems like it might actually be a good thing for you to have someone to talk to about it anyway...)
If she really wont go, then talk to someone at your local Health and Human Resources desk. See if they can't give you some information.