How do you make a teenage mature? She is 19 and a mess.?

Question

My 19 yr old daughter was court ordered by a judge to live with her dad when she was 11 yrs old. The judge left her 13 yr old brother with me. Its a very long story, but I was devastated because I was concerned about her safety.
She came home to live with me when she was 16 and I put her in counseling. The psychologist told me she was very immature, with the maturity of about a 12 yr old. He also told me she was very manipulative and suggested that I watch myself with her and suggested we stay in counseling together. After about 3 sessions, she refused to go any longer.
She is not 19 yrs old and I cannot get her to get full time job, she has put me thru hell. She moved in with some 26 yr old guy a week after high school graduation and he threw her out. Now she is home with me again and sneaks off in my car. Her brother is off to college and she is stressing me out. She is not on my insurance because she is 19 and doesnt want to enroll in college I can pay for counseling

It all breaks my heart. I try not to slam her dad because I dont think it gets me anywhere. He is an alcoholic and was out to get even with me. Denies paternity of her 21 yr old brother. Had affairs. Wanted out of child support.
When she lived with her dad, the police told me he lived in a bar uptown and she constantly walked the streets. She used to call me to ask for $$ for food money. We were divorced when she was 11 months old and she never knew him. She found out when she had to run to the police department because he was beating his girlfriend up really bad.

Answer 1

every situation is different but i can tell you that i have a 33 year old younger sister who still refuses to grow up and take responsibility for anything--and she has two kids-- there are lots of reasons mmentally and emotionally but i can tell yyou that i think part of her problem is that my parents, who were divorced when she was about 5, let her control them. she controlled and manipulated everything that they did and they let her. never were there consequences that were severe or stuck to. that as or is all of her problem but that i think contributed to it. i mean they always bailed her out of everthing she never had to fix it herself or fall flat on her face.and sometimes falling and having to figure out how to get back us makes us better people. sometimes kids foget that mothers are people too and we have feelings and get fed up. the best advice i can give you is not to let her control you or manipulate you and especially make you feel guilty--you are a good mother look at your son--make some rules and guidelines that will be followed in order to live in your home :respect, rent etc...
and in if she chooses to follow the rules then you can have a peaceful and unified home but if she chooses not to then she has to go. make sure she understands that the choice is hers and that you love her but you deserve to be happy and treated with respect and besides what are you teaching her by letting her do what she wants and walk all over you. it is hard to stick to tough love but we are not here to be our kids friend we are here to make sure they grow up to be productive and decent adults.
i guess that i am a little touchy on this subject because i watched my mother suffer for years and it almost drove her crazy. so please dont forget about you and you matter dont let her do this to herself or you.
good luck and if you want to vent to someone who kinda understands feel free to email me

Answer 2

Tough Love!! thats the only way. You have to tell her that you are cutting off her money -not giving her any!!! for anything!!After all you provide the food and basic supplies -if she wants other stuff she can get a job or go to school.
If she sneaks off with your car again -call the police!! I know its hard but she has to learn now -shes grown and has to grow up to match her age.
Even if she gets a part time job it would be better than now.
Keep your eye out for drug use as many young women start using at this age and it can cause all kinds of problems.

Answer 3

The only advise that I have is tough love. It sounds to me like she is a mess because there has always been a safety net around her life... You need to stop bailing her out. It might not be easy but she might be able to learn how to grow up and be on the right track by the time she is 25. If she "sneaked-out' in my car, I would report it stolen. Don't let her stay with you rent free either. You need to put her in a position where she knows that she has to earn money... You have to be willing to piss her off and then wait for her to come back to you on her own. It is not so important to have her like you at the age of 19 as it is for her to respect you when she is 35... it might take a few years for her to learn this... a lot of kids waste their late teens and early 20's. I know that I did. Good Luck.

Answer 4

Your daughter is putting you in a very tough position, both emotionally and legally.
The next time she takes your car, call the police. I know that sounds harsh, but until your daughter faces "adult" consequences, she's not going to learn.
This is going to take "tough love". She must either follow your rules or move out. You've paid your dues. You've done what you can. She's going to make irresponsible decisions as long as she gets away with them.
If she won't get counseling, go alone. You're going to need help to get through this. Whatever you do, try not to feel guilty. Good luck.

Answer 5

Well, lock your keys up...keep your purse and key in your room, change the door knob if you have to. If she gets ahold of the keys and takes your car again, report it stolen. Show this punk she isn't invinsable and there are consequences to her actions. Mainly, show her you aren't playing anymore. Give her a deadline to have a full time job or to attend college, if she doesn't do either by your deadline...kick her out. I know that will be hard but you have to put your foot down or you will deal with this forever and most likely you will end up dealing with her kids too. Don't let her walk all over you like you have been. She needs a major intervention and fast. I will be 20 this year and i could never imagine doing these things to my mother. I am married, have a daughter, I have a full time job and I attend school...I hate peopel who take advantage of their parents when all you guys do is work so hard to give them everything!!! Good LUck and hope i helped!!

Answer 6

Personally, I don't think you can make her mature. That is something is going to have to happen with time. Being that I am mother of two teenagers, I think I would give her some alternatives and a set a date that she has to have her mind made up. The alternative I would give her would be something like going to college, get a full time job or get out. I would let her know that she is at the age where it is time for her to decide what she want to do.

Answer 7

The best thing you can do for her is to let her sink or swim on her own. She is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself. It's hard to do but you have to stop enabling her. As long as you are there with a safety net, she is not going to get her act together. Dr. Phil just did a show about this very subject. One young man was sponging off his parents and grandmother and refused to work. When they cut him off, he became a firefighter and is living a happy and productive life.
Put this girl out. Give her 30 days notice in writing and then pack up her stuff and put it out. Enough is enough.

Answer 8

You can't make an adult to counseling. You need to write her a letter telling her how much you love her and that her "stuff" is in storage. She has 30 days to move out unless she starts straightening up. This is YOUR life. She is an adult. Get a club (security club or anti-theft device) and put it on your car so she can't take it without permission. If you have the stones, call the cops when she steals it. Do not let HER problems become YOUR problems.

Answer 9

It sounds like you need to set some ground rules. This is YOUR house and YOU need to control what goes on under YOUR roof.

Your daughter never learned that there are consequences for each and every action. You say she takes your car...what are the reprocussions for that? She doesn't have a full time job...then who buys her clothes? Where does she get money to hang out with friends?

You need to use a reward and punishment system with her. Perhaps give her 2 weeks to find a job or you stop buying her clothes. If she starts going to counceling again...for every session she goes to she gets $x to spend on going out or maybe the use of your car for 1 hour. Do you know what I mean? You need to have punishments for doing things badly and you need to have rewards for her doing what you want her to do.

If she wants to act like a child...then you need to treat her like one.

Answer 10

She needs to be tossed out on her a**. It sounds harsh, but if she has to fend for herself, maybe she will grow up. Set a date in a reasonable amount of time for her to find a job (a month or 2), and tell her that she will need to be out of your house by that date. And when the date comes, follow thru and make her leave.