How do I move on from an 11 year marriage that I never wanted to end?

Question

We were together for 15 years and have a 4 year old son. I tried everything I knew of to make it work, but we have been seperated for almost a year now. I still find myself crying at night. The worst of it is that he has moved on with a 24 year old girlfriend (he is 35) and he has introduced our son to her. My son is very confused and I am very angry. I just want to know if there is a way to move on gracefully? I don't want a boyfriend just to prove to him that I can get one-yet I'm tired of being alone. Any magical advice?

Answer 1

Dear Tom's Mom,
I have been where you are. After 20 yrs. my husband left myself and two children. He married an older woman less than a week after the divorce was final.

Looking back, I know I was a good wife, excellent mother, and made every effort to try to keep our marriage together. Too much effort. He wasn't worthy of me and neither was your husband worthy of you.

One big mistake I made was not to feel the pride I had for a job well done on my part. I felt inferior, rejected and a failure. You may feel that way too.
I can give better advice now after 23 years have passed. Expierience should equal some wisdon. I hadn't traveled that road. Now in retrospect I am wiser, through this experience and wish to help those in the midst of the storm

I made some terrible mistakes.
Such as: dating too soon, out of loneliness and desperation for a listening ear. Advise: One can become a victum easily. Be careful. Find a pastor, counselor, support group or older friend with whom you can share your feelings.

Another mistake, dwelling on what he was doing rather than what is good for myself and children. Advise: Begin seeking to forgive in order for you to be released from the heavy weight of unforgiveness. This will empower you to move on. The healing of your spirit can only happen through forgivness and time.
It is difficult to address other issues during a divorce. After all one's heart, spirit and mind are devastated and we'll filled with so much turmoil.
As a matter of faith rely on your God to keep you strong, in peace, and in hope. God will help you forgive.

And your son: He will be confused. He may feel that he is losing his father. At that age it is difficult to know what is in their mind. Advise: Try to be calm, assuring your son of his well being, safety, and concerns. It is important that you assure him that both you and his father love him. That his father lives somewhere else but still wants to be with him.

One thing that really helped me was realizing that my husband had chosen another life. He was no longer my concern, friend or influence. What he was doing was none of my business. Except .... his fatherhood of our son and daughter and their relationship. Hopefully he will want to keep a strong relationship with your son. If he does not, you will have to be very strong.
After the clouds have cleared, your life will settle down, your example will shine, and there will be a bright future for you and your son.
I will pray for you.

Answer 2

Yes, but you may not like it. Stop thinking of yourself as 'tomsmom' and find out who YOU are. You are in there somewhere and your Son needs a REAL person for a Mom which you cannot be if your whole existence is wrapped up in being a mom who is eternally pining for the past and a relationship that has died. How to do it gracefully? Put one foot in front of the other and leave the haunted house that your relationship has become. Think your husband gives a s'hit if you're angry or have someone else? WRONG! He's moved on; you gotta do the same. Get a boyfriend to make yourself happy; not to piss of the man who has obviously moved on with his life. Now stop your sobbing, get away from that go'ddam computer and go out and get a life! Tom will thank you for it, and eventually you'll thank yourself for it.

Answer 3

There is no magical advise. When you are married and start a family the term and the idea of being a person almost disappears from your mind. Everything becomes about "us". Even in the good marriages that I know there is usually one person who takes the idea of compromise more to heart than the other and it seems like in your case it was you. Time will help you to move on but the best advise that I can offer to you is for you to find "You" again. Find the self esteem to remember the person that you are. From the ashes of your marriage you can rise up and flourish again. Along with your son you know have a chance to spread your wings and build something new. Live life, welcome the day, welcome the chance to be something new. Your ex obviously does not appreciate you and will one day come to regret his choice. Create a new life and enjoy the control that you will have. Take care of your son, take care of yourself, and at some point down the road you will be ready to open up and share this new life with a man who will treat you better, treat you like you need to be treated. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I only agree that you are nuttier than a fruitcake and have a bad character! First of all, you need to take some responsibility for your own behavior. Your husband didn't DRIVE you into an affair. You were behind your own steering wheel of your own car! If you didn't like your husband's behaviors, you should have found a better way to deal with it. Your decision to have an affair was your decision and is a reflection of the type of person you actually are. Your decision to continue with your deception speaks even louder! And, you're pretty confused. You say you're ending a 4 year relationship, but yet your in-love. Have you ever thought of medication?

Answer 5

I know this will sound silly, time heals all wounds. You may need to seek some counseling of some time to help with the angry issues, also with other feelin issues as well. Trust me it all takes time to heal but it will. You cant put a time limit on things, things happen for a reason and when God thinks your ready to handle the situation he'll give it to u than. Lets just say I know from first hand experience of what your going through and I just found my knight in shinnin armor here 3 weeks ago after a rough marriage and being alone for almost 3 years with 2 kids! So it'll come in due time patience and dont rush into anything. You wouldnt want to send the wrong message to your lil one at such a young age and help him through this also and talk, there's gonna be lots of talking! Good Luck and Best of wishes

Answer 6

sounds like my ex. :( *hugs*

okay, first, you need to get those divorce papers going. You said you're separated, but I didn't see the word divorced in your explanation.

find a good family therapist. Your son is going to need someone to talk to and you will too. Divorce is sooooo hard on everyone.

Also, check out www.divorcecare.org to find a support group near you. They really help. That site also has daily emails that they send out and they helped me a lot. They also have a kids group.

Get involved in a group...maybe through church. Getting a boyfriend right now wouldn't be good (until you feel like it's the right thing to do). Only you will know when the time is right.

So, right now, get some support. Let your friends and family know how you're feeling, so they can help you. And above all, be strong for your son. He has got to be confused, but you want to show him that you are a strong woman and that everything will be okay. :)

Good luck!

Answer 7

I think you should be selfish for a little while. Focus a lot of the time you used to spend focusing on your husband on yourself. Take time for yourself but don't feel sorry for yourself. Spend extra time with your son that maybe you couldn't before. Your son deserves to have a happy mom and not a depressed one. Definately don't get a boyfriend just to have one. Your son does not need to see a new man in the house especially if it is just a casual thing. Hook up with old friends that you may have lost contact with (that happens sometimes when you are married and busy) Don't be afraid to let yourself have fun. You deserve it!!

Answer 8

i was in your shoes just a couple years ago - leaving a 12 year relationship and i was scared to death, lonely, depressed. The only thing is time and attitude. Best advice I can give is to work on you. The relationship is over, it's obvious. I found help reading Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen. You have to put it behind you - and it's not easy. It's like a death in the family - only time heals and memories haunt. For your son's sake - be strong, wish him well and move on with your life. Buy a new outfit - go out - and talk to friends. caspree99 in messenger.

Answer 9

Okay, getting a boyfriend just to prove to your soon to be ex husband than you can get one is a rather childish thing to do and I wouldn't consider that to be moving on. You need to quit dwelling on the past and what he's doing in his life and start learning to enjoy your life with you him. I'm going to guess that you were never really on your own as an adult prior to marrying him which in a way you robbed yourself of a great experience. Find something to do with yourself...hobbies, friends, school, that sort of thing. And you should have laid down the law, worked out some sort of agreement with your ex about when it's appropriate to introduce someone new to your son...I'm thinking he did it a bit too soon and he should have talked with you first before doing it. Next thing you know, your ex will have a revolving door of women which could be very harmful to your son if he is to meet every single one of them.

Answer 10

There's "nice" advice and "real" advice...I'm giving real advice.

Firstly, don't get a guy interested in you just to get him jealous. That makes you look desperate more than powerful. He's already separated from you, best technique (regardless of whether it gets him back) is to get the kind of life for yourself that's as fun or better than his...and prove you can do it regardless of having a boyfriend.

Realize your husband may have moved on for a number of reasons. The trick, though, is to make yourself STRONGER for YOURSELF and NOT FOR HIM. If he notices it and turns around, you two are meant to be, and if not, it's his fault and, by cultivating your strengths, you should have no problem finding a great man elsewhere.

A few things that could go wrong (considering your age)
1. You've taken up smoking/gotten out of shape relative to the women interested in him...or just adopted a very unexciting attitude about sex. Any of these could cause a man to say "I don't want to live like I'm 40, I need to date someone younger to turn this around". Solution: work on getting the attitude and stamina of a younger person.
2. Pressure from friends who are dating younger women. This (in absence of the above) is his insecurity not your fault.
3. Seriousness IE his younger friends joke and flirt while you seem to always talk about finances and chores and such. It's like the movie "hi-fidelity"...he never sees the younger womans "dirty underwear" far as having those issues, only the brighter side on her. Go dancing, joke around, take some vacation, don't be so serious...make guys around you realize why you're worth falling in love with.

I've seen 35-ish woman who have it together much more attractive than their 23-ish counterparts. It's all about attitude...at least if the man's worth anything.