Living on my own?

Question

Hi! I suffer from Borderline personality disorder and have damaged relationship with my partner. We have 1 year old daughter together. Plus he has 2 other children. He is 28 years older than me. We are not affectionate, I ask for that, but he rejects me,we don't communicate well and I can admit that I have to blame, but also not everything is perfect with him either as I feel he favours his other children to me and our daughter. I love him and he supports me, but I feel I am a burden to him and he has said that to me as well. Is the damage beyond the repair and shall I move out ,so he could have a better life without me? I just feel alone because we are never doing things together and can talk about important things only if his children are in bed or away and there are a lot of pressure how I need to be, but it is hard suffering with borderline and having so many distractions. How long does it take to get a council flat and what r the other options if I have no money for a start?

Answer 1

It sounds to me that your at a stage in your relationship where things have slowed down,your partner might of been mad when he said you were a burden we all say things in the heat of the moment. He is like most men wants an easy life and the last thing he wants is confrontation especially not in front of children. You need to find a way of talking to him without raising your voice and tell him you want more from the relationship and that you want to do things more as a family. He will automatically support his older children after all they have been through a separation and it isn't nice for anyone. Your daughter will be fine kids little kids are tougher than you think. BPD is something that you seem to blame for your insecurities.If your relationship is worth fighting for forget the insecurities and put your relationship back on track when the children see that things are getting back to normal your life will start getting easier. After all your partner fell in love with you and you had bpd you need to control this and not let it control you.........Goodluck............LOU x

Answer 2

Sweetie, I'm sorry I can't help you with some of your questions, and I don't have a complete picture of BPD. You need to stop worrying about being a burden to him. Don't put him first. Put yourself first and your baby girl. He acts as if he favors his other children because he probably does. I'm sorry. I think he probably resents you, for his own reasons, and he's taking it out on the both of you.
I agree that you should talk about the serious issues after the kids are in bed, especially if they result in fighting. The kids don't need to see it all, even though they already feel the tension.
You should get some distance from it all.
Stop worrying about him having a better life. His life is what he makes it.
Put your energy into yourself and your daughter. Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

Living with someone with a mental disorder can be very emotionally exhausting for the partner. (I lived with someone with a mental disorder for 4 years and it mentally wiped me out. I loved him, but I could not live with him anymore.) To be honest, you need to ask him this question yourself...should you stay or go? If it would be better if you leave, ask him to give you some time to get your feet on the ground. That means finding a job (if you don't have one), or getting aid, disability, whatever. If the daughter is his, he will owe your child support and that should help. Check with Social Services if you are unemployed and see what you qualify for. I know it is not easy, or fair. I hope everything works out for you and that you can find some happiness.

Answer 4

Wow, it sounds like you are describing my situation minus the children. I am sorry to hear you are going through the same messed up behavior my BF treats me with. My heart goes out to you and your child(ren), they makes matters even more serious. What is it with men? Seems to me the worse you treat them the more they love you, because catering to them and making your world revolve around them just makes them distant. What to do?? Is there really anyone better out there if we leave? Better to try to work things out? Can't change them, can't seem to get it into their heads that we need certain acts of affection in order to feel loved every now and then. A kiss and/or a hug goes a long way, but are too far and too few in between...