Military Divorce - Good or Bad?

Question

My wife and I are talking about divorce. I still love her, however, she's told me that she no longer attracted to me and that we have grown apart. I haven't always been the best husband, but I've never been abusive.
We've been seperated for about a year and half now, I was deployed to Afghan for 8 months and then 3 months later I left for Korea. We haven't been togethor for about 2 years now.
I really don't want a divorce, however, she's made it evident that we'd never be close again. She has attempted to be friendly for years but she keeps becoming distant again. She was abused when she was a teen at home. I got used to her being distant.
The problem now is that I've been in military for 20 years now, married to her the whole time. I've put her through school, she has a Master's degree and has a civil service job with retirement benefits.
I've asked her about my retirement, whether she plans to try to take it, she never replies.
What does everyone think?

Thanks for all the replies, many asked about my final question. I ran out out space and really didn't explain myself very well.
My real question is this, "Is my wife not answering my question about requesting half of my retirement because she just doesn't like to talk about our divorce or do you think it's more likely that she's just not talking because she doesn't want to warn me that she's after retirement." I'm willing to give up most everything we own now. I'm just afraid that I might remarry and not be able to fully provide for a new wife. It just doesn't seem fair that I might possible have less to provide any future wife because of a past marriage. I guess that's just a fact of life. It just seems unfair. I know I'd feel different if my present wife was a stay at home mom with no education. But, she's far from that. She has a good government job and will eventually have a retirement check my like mine. That really is my question, is she keeping secrets.

Answer 1

Sorry about this difficult time. The military bases have the highest divorce rates right now. It is so painful for these young couples to spend so much time apart. People do change when they are out on their own. I live close to a military base and was previously a military wife there are a lot of single wives and husbands cheating with one another here. If you feel like this marriage can not work out and your wife is certain that she wants a divorce then you can not make her love you no matter what you do. Since she was with you for more than 10 years she is entitled to a portion of your retirement. Although it is not 50%. The court divides the retirement up differently than you think. My ex-husband was an Staff Sargeant when we divorced after 11 years. I get $269 a month from his retirement. When a cost of living raise is issued I also get a raise in my check. My husband was entitled to a portion of my civil service retirement. The divorce decree was drawn up to specify that he got a lump sum at the time of the divorce. Your wife may be willing to leave your retirement alone if you leave hers alone. Seek legal council and see if this agreement is possible. Since she is refusing to discuss this situation she has probably decided that she is going to get everything possible. I do not feel that it is right for retired soldiers to have to share their retirement with ex-wives when they themselved are not desiring to divorce. I have many friends that have to do this monthly. The wives left them for other men and still are entitled to $$$$ from men they walked away from. I wish you the best. You have been away due to the military duties and that is unfortunate that your wife did not remain committed to sharing a life together when you returned. Your future will be brighter with someone else. Good luck.

Answer 2

Mr.Mike,as a former navy wife I think I know what you and your wife is going through. I do am sorry that your marriage is headed to a divorce. It seems that the problem is not her being abused when she was a kid, it's knowing that your job do take you every where especially now with the war in the middle east. There are some wive's that will stay tough and stick with their husband no matter what,and I was one of those. But there are some that put them on a roller coaster fear because their afraid that they will not see their husband never again.
It's really tough to be a military spouse,it doesn't really matter what branch of the service they are, it's the fact that we or some of us can't be with our husband. Your case is so complex but natural, the two of you really did grew apart, your job didn't help, the separation, being alone most of the time, no one there to protect her, can't even there when she needed you, and she's not tough enough to hold on and really wait for you, maybe she did try but sometimes a person can give a lot and at the same time she can't give more.
Now with your retirement situation, even if the two of you get divorce, the military will give part of your retirement to your wife,it all depend on what she put on the divorce papers. If you have kids with her you do know that you will support the children till they reach the legal age right? This are facts on military divorce. If you want more info, go to the military family service. Again I do am sorry.......

Answer 3

Unfortunately, if she is keeping secrets or not is not possible to tell for certain. It maybe very likely, but not certain. I always feel extra bad for people who are trying to support this country.... and at the same time has to shoulder a family from a distance for long periods. It's not something everyone understands. I myself and married and military with two kids. I have very close friends that have gone through the same thing..... well... most of them haven't got to the 20 yr point. But that's besides the fact. Divorce is never a good thing. Even if it is needed. That means that someone, somewhere has been going through some pain at some point. The best thing you can do is go to your base legal. If you are not in the military, get "professional" legal advice. Outside of that, you are right to think of your future. I will say that the military can be unkind in the divorce department and often side with the woman. That is not ALL the time and if it were going to be messy it probably already would have been. Try not to worry about her doing's and just get yourself right. It is time to look out for you. Get to base legal. -Be forewarned- even while separated they can garnish your pay to support her if she were to take it that route- that's the "messy" I spoke of earlier.
God Bless

Answer 4

Army wife here...sorry that you are going through this. I know it happens, but I guess it is important to tie up those "business matters" in the right way. PERSONALLY, I dont think she has a right to your retirement because she has a job, and as you said, she will get retirement just like you. And she is the one choosing to leave the marriage. Not sure how the courts will sort that out.

And I guess to answer your question, I think she is keeping secrets. She hasnt made it a secret that she no longer wants to be married or that you could never be close again, but she keeps silent on that issue? If I were you, I wouldnt ask her again....dont let her control you even in that little way. If you dont think she deserves it, TELL her exactly that and tell her you will fight her in court to keep her from getting it. Dont ask if she is taking your money! Tell her she ISNT!!! If the judge disagrees with you, well, I guess that is life, but at least you didnt take it laying down.

Thats just me...cant let people control me. Anyway, good luck to you!

Answer 5

I am also a military wife, soon to be ex military wife. Unfortunately the long periods of time spent apart do cause a lot of strain on relationships, long periods apart tend to make you 'old friends' rather than husband and wife.

I'm not sure what your question is about the the retirement fund. Are you asking if we think she's trying to take it? Or how much she's entitled to? If she did try to take, the court would consider how much of her own retirement fund she has, any assets etc, before making a decision.

Answer 6

Even if you don't want to divorce her if she files the papers she can eventually divorce you without your consent. You can't force someone to stay married.

About your retirement. She's probably after it.

I am an ex-wife to an Army soldier. We were married nearly 6 years, we were physically together around 2 and a half years because of deployments and training, and no that's not consecutively. People grow apart, people change when their significant others are away for so long. You have to learn to get by on your own, without your spouse being there for you. I know with my situation, when my ex-husband would return from deployments I felt like I didn't need him any more besides his paycheck. (Just being honest) We weren't ready to get married in any way. I was 16 and he was 18, we have children that he never got to see basically, and now since everything is over and done with... my exhusband doesn't want to see his own kids because they don't remember him.

Answer 7

Well, you can also get half of her retirement too. I'd definitely have that chat with a JAG officer.

She is officially entitled to half, but then you'd be entitled to half of hers.

So, you know, she can't "default" divorce you while you're on active duty and stationed overseas. There is an act called "the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act" that prevents her from pushing through a default divorce in those circumstances. Just an FYI. I would get some counsel if I were you.

Not a good time, is it? Hang in there.

Answer 8

I'm very sad to hear that, sometimes in a marriage it does go bad and the couple falls apart, it seem like you could try to make it work to being friends but she keeps pulling back from you maybe cause she still loves you and she didn't want to go threw the hurt of you leaving all the time, or she feels she still wants to be with you but then she don't, her mind is telling her no and her heart says yes. i don't understand the last question but get a lawyer and figure things out and try to get her to go to a therapist and you all can figure out what went wrong. but you will find love again it will just take time and you will find a good person, just give it time. you sound like a sweet and caring guy that cared for the people he loves.good luck in Korea! be safe.

Answer 9

I live near Ft. Hood. My father went through the same thing.. Sorry to say but she is entitled to 1/2 of your retirement. I personally only think she deserves a quarter of it.. but 1/2 is what she will get.
You sound like you were a good husband but being an army wife is tough.. She may have not had to deal with all of the BS that you delt with but when you were away she was fighting her own battle at home. The Military is the largest strain out there on a relationship. Most marriages don't last as long as yours.
I understand your grief though. But I was once an army wife (now divorced). Its too bad that she couldn't love you through you deployments. You have my condolences.

Answer 10

Wow, just because you are going deploying you are divorcing your wife? The marriage is only over a year. Why you guys can't go marriage counseling and save marriage. Why people looks at marriage and divorce the best way of solving your problem. I am so curious and started to wonder, are most americans finds that marriage and divorce are best way? do you have any children involve? This is very sad. I was doing my confirmation today this morning and i felt pleased to have saved many marriages from getting divorce. I have helped many people eventhough i was involved in children volunteer before. But this is the first time i was doing it and i shed tears looking at many couples started to realized and came and thank me for helping them. I feel, people have to look into their faith deeply to save your vows and children here. Seriously, . This is so important.