I need advise, and good advise...?

Question

First I will tell the situation: My husband and I have been married for almost 20 yrs. About 5/6 yrs ago I went thru a terrible time in my life, my Dad died, my youngest son decided about the same time that he was going to live on the wild side, my Mother leaned on me to the point of driving me nuts (I love her dearly). My husband acted like I should be able to simply tune it all out, go on be happy. It was horrible so I go to my doctor, he gave adivan, I get hooked on em, began to take more and more, My husband had been saying bad things about me to his family but when I get on adivan he gets worse. He didn't ever realize that I knew he was bad mouthing me until recently. I stopped taking the pills about 2 yrs ago and finally blew up. He denied it on up until I finally told him that I had heard him on the phone/off ect.
This is long I know but I need guidance, I love my husband but I feel so betrayed and it is killing me. What should I do?

I haven't taken any kind of pill for a little over 2 years now and won't ever again!

Answer 1

You have to ask yourself why you needed to take the pills, what exactly were you in need of escaping from. Obviously, if you were seriously addicted, your husband would become disenfranchised from you, more than if you were not high all the time.

I had a similar thing with my wife after we have been married for about 25 years, and although she wasn't taking the same medication as you are, sheet became addicted to them as well.

Sometimes she would be perfectly rational. But depending on how the pills interacted with her, at times she would appear to be deranged, and lash out with anger, in an irrational way.

I put up with a quietly for a number of years, all the while wondering if she wasn't becoming psychotic.
Eventually, I confronted her, and told her that she had to either stop taking the pills, who would have to get a divorce.

After much trying on her part, she did eventually stop in the pills, and has been much better since that time. Perhaps your experiences not similar, but we are still married and is now seven years later.

Be open to what you have brought to the marriage, as well as the blame, and the anger you feel for your husband is never a one directional thing. We must recognize that what we do in fact impacts how the other person reacts. So for the two of you to come together, you both have to knowledge that you could have done things differently.

Answer 2

To paraphrase what you said, you've been married for 20 years and when you needed his shoulder to lean on he minimized what was going on in your life like you were taking it too hard and needed to get over it so instead of going through all of the anxiety (which can be overwhelming) and maybe even having a nervous breakdown you went to your doctor and got put on ativan. To me that was the responsible thing to do because sometimes a person cannot handle the stress. Then when you realized that you had a problem with dependency on the drug you quit (I applaud that).
I understand your feelings of betrayal - he is suppose to be the person that you can trust and after 20 years to find out that he is badmouthing you behind your back.
I think you need to have a talk - tell him how he wasn't there for you when you needed him - how he judged you for needing to take anti-anxiety medication - how he hurt your feelings and betrayed your trust by speaking negatively about you to others instead of coming to you if he had any issues. Ask him why he feels that he can't come to you with his complaints. Explain to him that when he is telling other people that he is just complaining but if he comes to you then the two of you can figure out a way to come to terms with the problem and possibly even fix it.

Answer 3

First of all, 20 years of marriage -that's something special nowadays. Nurture it! I'm sure your husband loves you too,but there hasn't been any room for conversation and proper communication in years! He probably has trouble to express his feelings, feels even more helpless in this than you! Try to understand. His badmouthing is just a projection. He's feeling horrible about himself; maybe feels he couldn't be there for you when you needed him most.
Try to make time and have a chat with him, just the two of you. Clean slates, listening to each others feelings. No interruptions, let each other finish your sentences. Go for a walk together in piece and quiet.
If you can't fix things together, get help from a therapist together. Stop numbing the symptoms with pills. You can do without it and don't need any more! 20 years are there for a reason. Go for it! Openly and honestly.
You can do it.

Answer 4

Sounds like you have a heavy heart! I know you are troubled..Im sorry you are hurting. My husband and I have been married 14 yrs. We are in our early thirties and if ya'll are like us you got married early. Anytime two people have experienced alot of life together things just build up. I think you both need to decompress TOGETHER!! Take a 4 or 5 day trip. Even if its just camping. Thats not very expensive and you could spend most of your time talking and working together!! Your marriage has had alot of trouble. All marriages do. I think its time for you both to admit your wrongdoings to one another and forgive each other and make love and leave the bad stuff behind you. Try to start the healing process. You cant begin to heal until you have forgivven and asked for forgiveness. Dont emphasize medication use or badmouthing. Try not to see the personal aspects of the situation. Just try to look at the negative mistakes, say you are truly sorry and apologize and move on. It is easy to get hooked on stuff that makes you feel better. Even if for a short tim...which would explain why you took more and more...Its like food, alcohol,or even shopping! It was an addiction. Now its gone...You dont need it anymore! Your husband was making himself feel better by talking to his family....now he doesnt have to!! GO CAMPING!! I am rambling, I know. I just want you and your husband to make up! This has been going on long enough! Right????

Answer 5

I reread your question and I think I have the gist of your complaint: your husband was badmouthing you to his family? Whoa, Nellie! Since when was that a reason to jeopardise your marriage of 20 years?
You spend a lot of time in your question explaining how you were addicted to pills and why you were addicted to pills. You make it clear that you are no longer addicted to pills (they say addicts take it one day at a time so let's just say you're not addicted today!)
Is there a reason why you stopped taking these pills? Is it what you have left out of your question - which is a description of the turmoil it caused to the people around you? You have made yourself a victim in this story. Of what? Of being badmouthed by your husband.
Honey, if being badmouthed by your husband is the worst thing your addiction has brought to your marriage, be thankful. Get down on your knees and thank God that you're life hasn't been a freaking nightmare of thievery and lying because you had to take more and more - wait, you actually DID say you had to take more and more.....
I think there's more to this story. You seek guidance but it looks like what you want is support in condemning your husband. So enjoy all the support you can get here. But in the real world of action, seek counseling. There's more to this story and you need help to keep your marriage together.

Answer 6

Lil Audre: I would definitely say you need some serious advice. I will do my best - Go buy the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it, follow the advice and your relationship will get back on track. I am assuming that during the period where you were hooked on pills and depressed to boot that you were not much fun to live with - he was venting when he talked to his family. He still loves you and wants the marriage to work otherwise he would have left. Get that book - read it - do what it says in there and fix your relationship. You have to let your anger go - if you don't then you will end up alone. Suck it up work it out!!! Good luck -k-

Answer 7

get into marriage counseling. Even if he doesn't go with you. Some guys refuse at first...so you plan on going alone for a bit.

I think there are other problems that lead up to that too. You see your bad time.... he sees something else. remember there are always 3 sides. You side, his side, and the impartials side of what really happened. :)

Granted no spouse should talk ill of their spouse to another . that's disrespetful. But you are holding on to something that was said a long time ago, if I read this correctly. If this wasn't recently.... let it go. Don't dwell on the negative. But if this is still going on.....then I would have a POW WOW right now about respect of your spouse, and your vows, etc, etc


Best of luck to you.

I hope everything gets worked out.

Answer 8

I think that the problem more was that he didn't help and only criticized and worse yet, tried to do it behind your back. Easy solution, run away get divorced, throw away 20 yrs of marriage and forget about it. OR face LIFE on the REAL SIDE. You will have problems both within and outside of marriage. If he is still criticizing you behind your back face him up on it. If it was then and not now, let it go, he dealt with the hardships the way he could, by sniveling to family. Remember that it's as hard living with an addict or alcoholic as it is to be one if not harder. So you both had some hard times but do you want it all to strengthen your marriage or weaken it? Either way, it's up to take the initiative and do something with it positive. One of you needs to step up to the plate and obviously HE ISN'T.

Answer 9

Feeling betrayed is painful for all of us. I think you did the right thing in getting off the meds. Half the people I know are on some sort of drug that masks emotional issues. I'm convinced that covering up unmet emotional need with drugs just makes things worse over the long haul.

Do you think its unusual for a spouse to look for support from their first family when their partner in life is malfunctioning? I know it doesn't feel good to be talked about as the 'problem'; and your husband needs to realize that complaining about you to his family did nothing but damage your marriage. But, do you think he may have been looking for emotional support in the wrong way ... while you were 'emotionally gone'?

Although I think your husband's conduct was immature; I'm sorry to say that I also think that you may be overreacting. I suspect that there is an issue between you and your mother that needs addressing. On my own intuition, I sense that your overreaction to your husband's gossip is coming from your own emotional dependency on your mother.

My advice is to get to family counseling ... with a counselor who works on extended family issues; rather than marriage counseling.

Answer 10

First off, let me say I feel for you. I also would like to be able to give you some comforting, sound advise. But, your problem seems to go beyond any armchair advise giving person. Therefore, I would suggest you seek professional help before you have a nervous breakdown. Because it sounds like that is where you are headed.
But let me also throw this in. You are not alone in your dilemma. 20 years is one of the average amount of years a couple decide to divorce in. After they have raised the kids, and the kids moved on. ( which seems like your boy has done just that). They feel ..what have they got to keep them together, if not their love?
And for your support, I say shame on your husband for not realizing such pain on your part after you lost your Dad, and Mom is obviously reaching out for the love and support of her immediate family. And shame on him for talking behind your back. When he should be supporting you, and your emotional state.
Perhaps some real guidance, and counseling is needed here.