help me with this poem? tell me what does it feels like to read it?

Question

I am in love

You are beautiful,
like a living sky.
Every time I look at You,
I find something to dye for.
In your eyes there’s shine,
just want to fall into them.
This mysterious look is so attractive.
You are my night,
you are my day,
you are my universe.
Oh! Universe is salacious.

I am helpless before you,
someone help me.
Oh! This helplessness is beautiful.

Answer 1

It's beautiful!!!! Great job. It makes me feel like i'm in love. I guess it reminds me of the feelings I have for my husband. How I feel when I look at him!

Answer 2

Your question was, what does it feel like to read it?

I loved:

You are beautiful, like a living sky.

Then when you played with the word "dye" rather than "die" I thought you got lazy.

Also, the sense you tried to convey of the universe being "salacious" was lazy. I think u might not be sure what that word means. It doesn't fit here.

I liked the last line, "This helplessness is beautiful," not so much for exactly how you said it, but more for how it can be said if u think about it some more.

I actually liked bits and pieces of what you wrote. I loved the very beginning and I loved the very end.

I guess I am wondering, who interrupted u in the middle? Was dinner ready? The baby cried? What? I just think you had a great start and a great end.

Work on the middle.

Answer 3

You misspelled die. DYE means to color. DIE means to no longer live.

How do you link shining eyes into something you want to fall into? You should change it to something like, "In your eyes there is a depth and I just want to fall into them".

"This mysterious look is so attractive" is just poorly worded. Maybe "Your look is mysterious and offers a strange attraction".

The ending uses the word "help" too much. And if helplessness is beautiful, then why do you need help?

To read the poem... well, as it is, I don't think you really want to know.

Answer 4

As a real critique, and not made with any vitriolic intentions, it felt a bit overdone to me. "Salacious" doesn't fit the theme or the rhythm. This is supposed to be a poem of love, not lust, right?

However, you have promise. Your words are often beautiful. Problem is, they sound like more of a supplication then poetry. The rhythm is again lost in "the mysterious look so attractive". Keep trying and writing those poems! A critique is meant to be fair and I hope you don't take it as hurtful. It is not meant in that way in the least.

You should see the poems I wrote as a kid! Whoa, they were awful... but I learned from them and moved on with my writing. Yours is NOT awful. It is beyond much of what I wrote as a kid. Keep going, and believe in yourself and your abilities!

All the best.

Answer 5

Well im not really a poetry kind of person and probably never will be, but your poem is actually pretty deep and definatly shows complex compassion and feeling. And for what I felt like when i read it, the poem gave off a positive reaction and it makes me want to phone my g/f now and read it to her. So what im pretty much saying is nice poem man, and thats coming from someone who has never read a real poem out of my own will before.

Answer 6

Take out the line with the word "love" in it. I'm not sure if that's the title or the first line, just get rid of it. NEVER use the word "love" in a love poem. If the reader can't tell it's about love without the word, then the poem isn't doing it's job.

Answer 7

Like I want to smash my eyeballs in a dictionary.

"living sky"--not clear image.

"die" (verb of death) not "dye" (verb of coloring t-shirts and hair)

"shine"--not really a noun, unless you're talking about moonshine. You're talking about "sheen."

"salacious"--arousing or appealing to sexual desire of imagination. It is an adjective, is being used as an adjective, but is not being linked properly to the common noun of universe. I think it needs, at least, an article: a, the, this, that, etc.

Like saying, "Storefront is pointed."

Last stanza sounds like an uncreative paraphrase of something of Rumi's.

Don't mess with the jenga tower of sufism, unless you can exist for long periods of time in a state of verbal bliss.

Answer 8

What! Are you doing a poem for Minnie... Even she will KYA, Sky is dead not alive, every time I ..... dye? well did she looks like a dead friend! in my eyes will be nothing like flowers... maybe thta`s a path! keep trying uni boy!

Answer 9

Well, it's OK for amateur poetry but sounds kind of desperate. "Salacious" sounds like you are trying to impress them with your use of words. Oh and "dye", the way you probably mean it, is spelled, "die." Sorry, just being honest but poetry is subjective.

Answer 10

go tell your ole lady or man or other whatever. or listen to some Billy Ray Vaughn, love struck baby.