What should you do when your husband and his family want all your "earnings" ?

Question

My salary is deposited in a joint a/c every month. The primary owner of the a/c is my husband. He gets extremly irritated when i discuss with him about opening my own a/c in a bank. He and his family ( parents & lot of brother and sis)want that i should "contribute" to his family by my salary.The part that I don't like at all is that they don't want me to have any contacts with my own parents and my brothers(who are much younger to me - still in college). Even a small b'day gift to my brothers or parents makes my husband and his family very furious and they keep discussing my any such action for several days. I feel so trapped. It was an arranged marriage and I am scared that if I take any action my parents will be humiliated. Please suggest me what to do.....sometime I even feel like divorcing him. They don't have any love for me all they want is money.:((((

My husband's family doesn't live with me and my husband or my kid. But they want a yearly "amount" from me (and also from my husband...which i never complain of). I am still in a shock today...I had an argument with my husband and he says that you are a "woman" and not a "man"..once you got married ...you are now a part of "his" family and should only think about them. I hate him soooooooooooo much!!

His family doesn't care when i am happy or sad. But, yes ..to be honest...my husband is ok as far as other matters are concerned...but then again....he is very dominating in the matters of money. I don't have the freedom to buy anything for even myself without discussing with him. HE GETS VERY UPSET.

The only concern for me right now is that if things get even worst from now....and we get divorce...will i get custody of my baby? I can't live even a single day without my child. My husbands income is greater than mine (mine will be 75% of what he makes).

Answer 1

If you happen to be an Indian & this is happening with you in India then the best course for you to ask him very frankly about your having a separate bank account, if he still refuse move the magisterial court of your place of residence for getting protection order against him for domestic violence against him & protecting your property (both movable & immovable) you being deprived by him & his parents. This enactment regarding protection of women against any domestic violence is enacted for such matters; this will help you in getting full control of your money without going for divorce which I consider the extreme act in such a case. Contact me directly for any help in this regard.

Answer 2

There is more to this story than you are telling us. One little detail is "where are you?" I'm guessing India, but that's only a guess.

Your husband and family are control freaks and leaches. You won't ever be seen as anything more than an income source.
So far you listed
1. He controls your money
2. He prevents you from seeing your family
3. He allows his family to get in on the act.
4. You feel trapped.

If this were the US, you would have grounds for divorce. At this point, you have to decide a few things:
1. What is the plight of divorced women in your area?
2. How equitably will you be treated in a divorce?
3. Will getting divorced impact your earnings? Will you lose your job because of it?

Your husband and his family are not likely to look at logic. They see you as a possession, rather than a family member.
Your husband may be following the wishes of his family and not have the spine to tell them to get their own money.

I suppose you could open up an account on your own, if it does not require his approval. It will be a rather ugly fight, but if you stand up for yourself and show him that you will not kowtow to this nonsense, they might see it differently. Keep it between you and your husband as much as possible, as the last thing he want is to be humiliated by his family. If your funds are in your own account, then you will establish a level of control that he won't like but will have to deal with. At that point you do have some room for negotiation.
Now, here are your strong points with your own account;
1. Your husband and family need your money
2. You have some measure of control of your money and can give or withhold it at your will
3. You will give money to those who treat you well. You will withhold it from those that do not.

They will say all sorts of stuff to embarass you. They have to. Let your parents know your side of the issue. They will need a little help in dealing with the complaints from your husband's family.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Answer 3

Eeeeeeeeeeeyuck. Your husband is totally disgusting. Where did he come from 12th Century Mars????
I think you should divorce him. Try doing things in a way that won't humiliate your parents. I hate guys like your husband. Don't sleep with him. I say divorce him right away. That won't humiliate your parents. Are you from India? People in India do such things. They might even have planned conspiracies against you. Today's world is very bad. They just want your money. Arranged marriages dont work out too well. You need to marry the one you love and everything will go alright. Start searching for a date right away. Take care to see that your new man is comitted to relationships.
I say once more divorce your husband. That is what I would have done. If you live in India, divorce is not a matter these days. It was, previously. So go ahead.
Hope I have made things better. Good Luck!

Answer 4

I say that you need to sneak away and talk to your parents, and tell them what you are going through....tell them the whole story...everything.

Are you and your husband living with his family and if so why?
It really sounds as though you are truly unhappy and I believe that everyone should be happy...even in an arranged marriage, and I am assuming this is a cultural thing. I think once you talk things over with your parents, so that you can see how they would feel about you getting a divorce, and so that you Will have a place to go after the split. I would hope that your parents will love you more than any humiliation or embarrassment. You are being controlled by your husband and his family......I don't agree with that type if life....I hope you leave him and get a divorce, for your own happiness

Answer 5

You said, your salary is deposited into a joint-account. When did you start working, after marriage or you were working, when you got married to this guy? If you were working before your marriage, you should never have agreed to change your account in the first place. If it was latter part, you should have told clearly to him that you too have parents and you need to support them to some extent; just way he does to his family. You should have told before marriage itslef that you'd give some of your hard earned money to you parents. That should have solved the problem atleast a bit. Ask him whay your parents should get your money, while his parents can get his monetary support? You parents are his in-laws also; and he need to understand that. Put forward these points, in a soft way. You need to have some independence, and can't lose your existence. It surely depends on from which part of the world you come from. But, life shouldn't be a compromise. If nothing - explaining in a soft manner etc. works, only way is to get separated/divorced or stay separately without divorce. Staying away and separately might to some extent bring down the authoritative nature of your hubby. All this might hurt your parents as this is an arranged marriage. But, you can't live like this whole of your life. You might want to discuss with your parents as to what you want to do, as no parents would want their daughter to suffer throughout her life, for no mistake of hers. Divorce would be the last resort. But, remember staying alone and bringing up the kid might be tough, but not impossible. Think a lot before you take decision; as there might be no turning back in the new beginning. All the best.

Answer 6

I can understand your situation. Extreme steps never help particularly if you come from a orthodox family. But at the same time dont let anyone step on your freedom, ur freedom to save and spend your hard-earned money the way you like. make it clear to your husband that a portion of your salary will go into ur own acc or will be spent on ur own family. the rest the inlaws and ur husband can enjoy. Also the next time when u get an increment dont let ur husband know of it. u can save that increment too. and coming of adjusting with inlaws and ur husband let me tell u that no person in this world is perfect. If u find another person he will too have qualities that u cannot digest. so what difference does it make when you have to chose among different stones when you have to ultimately break ur teeth with it.(this is a popular saying in our culture). Iam telling u this out of my own experience. Always remember that the pastures on the other side always look greener. Goodluck

Answer 7

It sounds like you should have talked about all of this before getting married, so you would know more about what kind of a person he and his family are like.
If he is that posessive about money that he wants you to share it and "contribute" it to his family without letting you even have much contact with your own, then he is not really worth all that much in the way of happiness to you.

The only thing I can think of to do in a situation like that myself, is to return the favour in kind and not tell him when you open up a new bank account, and neven if you do divorce, I think your parents would feel humiliated now for find out what kind of situation they put you in.

Answer 8

On your own time when you can see you parents let them know how you are feeling about your situation. They SHOULD understand, and SHOULD want the best for their child. If the hubby and his family don't give 2 hoots about you and only want your money, I say leave. If the parents get humiliated I'd say to them it is my life and I want to be happy with my life and feel loved and love back. You deserve your happiness like anyone else. Open an account on your own with out the hubby and put a few bucks in it every paycheck so that you can save up and get the hell out. If there are no children involved you are free to do as you please and leave the state without any problems. I hope you get your happiness back.

Answer 9

Personally, I think you should divorce the guy
and move to a country where that isn't the end
of the world.

Generally, countries are moving towards equality
in divorce, but obviously they're not all there yet.

You cannot control your parent's shame - you
can control the health and sanity of your own life.

In most countries, you can legally create your
own bank account and change the direct-deposit.

When he comes after you, YOU are in the driver's
seat, since he has no access without going through
you. He can rant and rave, but he has no legal
recourse.

Of course, he may be abusive enough to do
someting illegal. Is that a risk?

Answer 10

Quit your job let them fend for themselves really your money is for you and your husband and kids not for his family. It is about time you just get your own account tell him you are an adult and not his slave and you have the right to have your own account if you feel that your money is being used to benefit people other then your husband and kids. His family has no right to your finances and if anything if it is your money you should have majority control over it. I have a joint account with my wife but we use it to better our lives neither her family or mine sees any of it. This is not normal you say arranged marriage my first thought jumps to Pakistani or Sekh I know this sucks and all and divorce is very hard to get when you have this set-up but he is disrespecting you and
controlling everything in your life which is wrong. Tell him no sex until he starts respecting you, if he becomes abusive or
verbally combatant call the police. Then file for annulment or a divorce.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 11

You need your own bank account.

Your husband and his family are way too controlling.

Stand up for yourself and for your right to see your family and buy a birthday present or two throughout the year.

This kind of behavior only gets worse. It sounds like you should talk to someone at a battered women's hotline - even though he doesn't physically assault you.

So, open the bank account. Get a safe deposit box for the papers. And prepare for a few days, or weeks even, of stormy behavior from your husband and his family. Eventually, I think, you'll either work it out or get out.