Im a gay man in love with my straight friend! what can i do?

Question

Hey, heres my prob:
I am gay and not out of the closet yet. One of my friends is really hot and i have feelings for him- he's not gay, but im not sure. On the surface, he's straight. I've known him for 4 years and I've seen him in a lot of dif. relationships, but he didnt seem too involved. He makes off the cuff gay remarks under his breath, that only i can hear and when i say, what? he says nothing and nobody hears him. He does other things also, and i havent seen it myself, but i hear when he's drunk, he has gay tendencies. I have major feelings for him and I'm pretty sure he can be swayed. Heres my two questions:

How can i sway him?

If sum1 has gay tendencies when theyre drunk, does that mean theyre bisexual or gay?

thanks

Answer 1

Don't be too dillusional. Right now you have the utmost confidence from your straight friend. Don't try and think he can be swayed, you risk losing his friendship. Just because you think he's hot doesn't mean he is friends with you for any other reason than to hang out with a fellow dude. Don't betray him by hitting on him especially to take advantage of him if he's drunk! I advise you just stay friends and before hitting on a straight guy, it's best you come out as gay just so you are more comfortable in your own skin. Whether you can trust this straight friend to confide is purely a judgement call on your part. Stay friends or you may lose him altogether! Is it worth it?

Answer 2

Welcome to my world, buddy. I've had a huuuge crush on one of my close (well, not so close anymore) friends for over a year, he knew about it, but I screwed up and just couldn't let it go because I was convinced that he was not straight. Like everyone here has been saying, all you gotta do is simply get over it. Be lucky that he respects your sexuality, and as a friend you should respect his. There's really no question as to why he rejected you, if "rejection" is even the right word to use. It's like saying "I'm a tuna, you're a lion...we don't match!" He is just not into dudes and most likely never will be so find a guy who you know could like you back! If you have to, maybe you should consider spending some time apart from this guy to try to get your mind off him that way...if you want to do that, let him know that it's because of how much you care about the friendship that you don't want any feelings getting in the way again. Hope this helped :)

Answer 3

I've been in this situation before, and as you know, it's not an easy predicament to be in.

From personal experience, let me just say that it is best to tell him. Gay men can suffer a ridiculous amount of anguish while pining over a straight friend who has done nothing other than be attractive.

I like to think of alcohol as a divining rod of sorts in that it can show you another's personality, to an extent, but it is by no means a scientific analysis of the other person. I get very devious and calculating when I'm drunk, but that doesn't mean I walk around with Machiavelli's principles close to heart.

To be fair, if he's making comments under his breath, then he is at least comfortable enough with homosexuality to joke about it. Take a chance, tell him--it sounds like he'll be your friend irregardless of which side of the line ends up on. And, who knows, perhaps there is a reason you're the only one hearing his comments?

Answer 4

For young men to be in relationships were there not too involved doesn't mean he's gay, just that he's immature. If your friend hasn't come out, and hasn't had a gay relationship, then its best you don't approach him. For one thing if he's not gay, he may out you (you did say you weren't out yet).
If he's not gay, you wont sway him. After all would you say that a girl could sway you?
The thing about being drunk is we don't act as ourselves, so what you see as "gay behaviour" might just be him mucking round. Many act foolishly when drunk in ways they would never be when sober. And how much is your wishful thinking?
If your sure of an attraction, ask, but be prepared for the possibility you'll be rebuffed, not because your gay, just because that's life.

Answer 5

You shouldn't try to push someone into any relationship or lifestyle. If you really really really think that your friend might be gay, why don't you come out to him? It would give him the opportunity to come out to you if he wants to. Otherwise just leave it alone.
Someone having 'gay tendencies' while drunk could mean that they are gay, bisexual, or just really friendly once they've had a few. It would be foolish to use liquor as the vehicle into a relationship with him.

Answer 6

Well, imagine if he was gay and made those remarks about women. What would you think then? If you can, come out of the closet and if he is interested, he will most likely let you know. Otherwise, don't bother--a person isn't going to become gay anymore than a gay person is going to turn straight.

Answer 7

thats horrible why are you trying to MAKE him like/love you, you need to come out and tell him. If he is a true friend he will stay by your side. Then if he does, tell him your into him and go from there.

you cant get anywhere with this if your still in the closet.

and if someone has gay tendencies when drunk does not always mean he/she is gay/bisexual.

Answer 8

Did someone sway you into being gay? Do you know how offensive that sounds to get someone drunk and take advantage of them?

I didn't think so. First off, you need to grow up!

Move on .. and stop with the wishful thinking. You will only ruin a friendship.

Answer 9

one of my guy friends had a very similar problem, and is still going through it. He told his friend that he was gay and had feelings for him...because he was convinced he was gay also. Well he wasn't, and it made him really uncomfortable when he told him. They don't speak anymore. Now he's going through it with another guy friend who he's convinced is ALSO gay. I'm encouraging HIM to stay back a little, and if his friend is gay he will come out in his own time. The best he and you can do is be there for the friend when or IF they do come out. Don't push, because even if you're right about your friend, he may resent you for it.

Answer 10

Have a long, heart-to-heart conversation with him. If he's not ready to admit his sexual attraction to men, do NOT make any comments about his being gay or bi. Rather spend more time talking about your friendship with him, and what a special person he has become to you. See if he would like to go on a trip with you somewhere. You could even make it someplace that is gay friendly like Key West, FL or San Francisco,CA. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what he labels himself, gay, bi, straight, whatever. All that matters is how he feels about you and his openness to a more intimate relationship with you. You need to accept that this may or may not include sex.