What should I do about my sexless marriage?

Question

My wife and I have not made love for over 3 years. She has had medical problems of a personal nature which have caused her lack of feeling. Her libido is non existent; she is just 'not interested' in sex. I, on the other hand am going mad with frustration. I understand and respect her decision but am finding abstinence increasinly difficult. We still love each other and remain the closest of friends and I have not [yet] been unfaithful. I do, however, find myself drawn to internet sex sites and occasionally mastutbate. This is unsatisfactory and I am becoming more and more isolated; being with her is frustrating, being without her is unthinkable. We are both 55 years old and the prospect of never making love again is daunting to say the least.
Should I try to find a discreet partner? What other advice do you have?

Answer 1

Talk to her.Maybe you can find a solution. An affair is never an answer.

Answer 2

It might be a good idea to approach this from another angle. You love your wife, still have a good relationship so it would be a disaster to ruin that by having 'one on the side'.
Your wife has probably 'lost' interest in sex because her health problems might have left her feeling less 'than a woman' or attractive. Have you tried taking off the focus on sex and concentrating on other ways to lead up to it? Generally how a woman feels and how she responds sexually are linked. Try wine-ing and dining her, romantic getaway, you know like you're courting her. plan and spend an evening with the telly and phone off, candles everywhere, chilled champers and nice bubble bath together. You could end the evening off with a nice massage. give her compliments (mind you, real ones, not just flattery) and gently and slowly introduce the sensual part of your relationship again without pouncing on the sex part immediately. You both have changed and lots of stuff has happened so you need to rediscover each other. I know it's been a while but give it more time and patience, it'll be worth it. And don't forget the power of an open and honest dialogue without accusation but honesty.

Answer 3

You should not respect her decision.

She has half checked out of the marriage and is getting everything she wants while leaving you a frustrate, miserable wreck.

You should kick her out. She stopped being your wife a long time ago.

For what its worth, the fact that you can't imagine leaving her or being with anyone else and love her so dearly and respect all her decisions could well be part of the reason she isn't attracted to you, but at this point, she's so far gone that you should just toss her.

If you really want to stay married, you could find someone on the side. I would be discreet but not lie, if you go that route. Tell your wife you will not be celibate. If you choose to get some on the side because your wife won't sleep with you, find, keep it _quietly_ on the side simply to be polite, but if your wife 'finds out', you should NOT be ashamed or hide it. If she asks you about it, tell her the truth. If she wants you to not have sex with other people, she can start _really_ having sex with you - that means being an enthusiastic, regular participant, not telling you to hurry up and finish once per month. If you want to stay married, go that route. Do not set up a situation where you are at fault. You are NOT at fault. If she would rather you go elsewhere then have sex with her, and if that's what you want, fine, but that means if she stumbles accross your 'on the side' its frankly up to her to act like she didn't see it. If she doesn't like that, she can start having sex regularly with you. You signed up for monogamy, not celibacy.

She has no right to insist you be celibate. People who say cheating is wrong in the bible ... so is not having sex with your partner. Its _required_ in the bible.

Answer 4

I am the female version of your problem; I am 53 and my partner is 48. I have always been the instigator in the sexual side of our relationship(we are together ten years); he was the passive partner who went along with it. I know now that he was probably drawn to me because I have a strong, decisive personality. i have had a tough life and raised a family of five, alone, against huge odds.

We bought a house together 4 years ago; since then, I felt the dynamics in our relationship changed; previously, it was MY house....I was the payer of the mortgage, the bills, the decision maker on everyhting. He contributed financially, but not in any other way.

When we moved, we became equals, in a sense. He took on a bullish attitude about owning a house, and throwing his weight around at home; and he was and is, a habitual heavy drinker.On the other hand, he did not take on any responsibility other than paying the mortgage; and I had to push him into doing that- he wanted to give me the money to pay it from my account - he doesn't have a bank account- and he did, with much protesting. he came to a complicated arrangement with the mortgage provider- I stopped instigating sex - I guess, in a subliminal way, I was trying to punish him for his behaviour. He did not once, in the past four years, attempt to make love to me. We have sex about 3 times a year, and I always make the moves. I had a huge row with him last night about it; I was cooking a special dinner, he was an hour late coming home, and his mobile phone was off. On a hunch, I strolled down to the local to find him merrily drinking wine with some cronies.

He simply refuses to discuss it. He will get angry and attempt to flee the room if I bring it up. He went to bed last night rather than talk to me. I tried to tell him how lonely I felt; that it wasn't just about sex, it was closeness I needed - to feel loved. He thinks that buying me things is showing me he loves me....
I think I do still love him...he says he loves me....but for me too, the thought of never making love agin is unbearable.

I have also considered an affair;though there is no-one I want to have it with - but I think in the right set of circumstances I would be tempted. My own libido is on the low side at the moment anyway....I'm at that age, but I know the smallest encouragement would set a match to it again.

I have no answers for you - I don't know what to do either. I have asked him to consider other possiilities with regard to sex...it doesn't have to be the traditional penatrative sex...but he is interested in no form of physical contact at all....

it's Sunday morning here, very early, and I am talking to a total stranger about his and my lack of a love life....how lonely can you get?

Answer 5

Your wife should talk to her doctor. There are medications that she can try taking to increase her sex drive.

Don't feel bad about looking at porn and masturbating...it's totally normal, and lots of people (guys and girls) who are getting plenty of sex still masturbate...after all, who knows how to please you better than yourself? :-)

When you're deciding whether or not to cheat, ask yourself this...if you couldn't get it up anymore, would you mind if your wife found a man who could, as long as she was discreet?

I think you should ask your wife if she would see a doctor about her lack of desire...that can be common when a woman's going through menopause or afterwards. I knew a lady who was taking hormone replacement therapy but it had testosterone added to it as well...she said she and her husband (in their 50's) were screwing like bunnies, and it was all because of the meds she was taking. If your wife refuses to see a doctor for it, or doesn't think it's a problem that needs changing, then you should talk to her honestly...tell her that you have at least a third of your life left, and that you've always loved your physical relationship with her, and that you really can't imagine going the rest of your life without that physical closeness with her (make sure you add "with her" or she will get really mad). Tell her she's your best friend and you can't imagine life without her but you're really not ready to pack your pecker away in mothballs for the rest of your life (ok, find a better way to say it, I was trying to lighten things up here), and ask if she can work out some sort of compromise...I think a lot of wives have had sex when they weren't in the mood, just because they wanted to please their husbands. I know I've done it before...unlike a man, a woman doesn't have to be physically aroused for sexual intercourse. There are times my husband wants some and I'd rather not...but I figure ten minutes of sex or several hours of complaining, which one is worse? :-)

Another thing to consider, if your wife just went through menopause, it might be the loss of her fertility that's making her feel unsexy. She might feel like she's too old for the true purpose of sex, so why bother? Also, she might be unhappy with her body and wonder how you could possibly find her attractive after so many years...If you think that might be her problem, you should try starting a romance with her again...take her dancing, take her out to dinner, bring her a rose when it's not her birthday or the anniversary, call her up in the middle of the day for no reason except to tell her how terrific she is...all the stuff that people do when they're dating and then don't figure they need to do once they're married.

Answer 6

I really think that you would have no release (apart from the obvious) with a fleeting liason. You would be left with feelings of guilt and betrayal. please find out more about oral sex. You say that you OCCASIONALLY masterbate?! Knock yourself out my friend - there is NOTHING wrong with this - in fact - learn about self love. It may not be perfect but you are not running any risks of infection, marriage breakup and all the mental torment you may put yourself through. It is a shame that your wife is not in the least bit interested - if not in sex, then at least in you - I think you are perhaps being taken a little bit for granted here. There is a lot of help available for her from your GP - but first she must want to help this situation - does she not see her stand as selfish?
Is it possible to start thinking of making love in a new and previously untried way? Penetration is only one of many. And I think that it may even turn out to be a bit of an eye opener for you ! You need to find out as much information as you can - try to include your wife as much as possible - she may very well think the worst if she finds you "investigating" dodgy websites! Get together and talk - what you have must be worth another chance. Start thinking outside of the box - and in the meantime, love her with all your heart and soul - get through this and you will be stronger than ever. I wish you well.
Be good to yourself - you sound one in a million!

Answer 7

There is no such thing as a discreet partner. Cheating is cheating. In the long run you will hurt not only your wife but also your partner and yourself.

You need to closely examine your relationship with your wife and decide if you should stay together. If your are that unhappy without sex in your life, staying together will not work.

The tension must be tremendous in your house. I suggest counseling for one or both of you.

Make an educated decision....not a rash jump for joy.

Answer 8

Your wife is at fault on this issue, she should be able to perform other acts with you even if she cannot indulge in full sex. Have you spoken to her about it and put your point of view across, she is very selfish if she will not consider your feelings. The trouble in finding someone else is that you could fall in love and end up losing everything anyway, so I would try with your wife before you go to such measures. Good luck to you hope you get your life sorted out.

Answer 9

Being within your age group I empathise with your situation as I know many couples experiencing the same thing.
As a counsellor I would speak with your wife with regards to what is happening for you. As you are aware and sympathetic of her problems, so to should she be of yours.
Have you considered the two of you seeing a Therapist specialising in sexual therapy? Sometimes speaking to a professional person will uncover ways in which you and your wife can still have intimacy without actual inter-course. This depends on how liberated you were together prior to the onset of the medical problems.
With regards to finding a discreet partner? What if this 'discreet' partner decides she wants more than just 'good times'? Very risky in more ways than one and morally you are being unfaithfull to your wife.
Sex Workers? If you were to go this way, it is non obligatory and no emotional involvement. You are paying for a service. You will need to ensure that the House has a good reputation and of course the Workers use condoms. The use of condoms is for your health and safety etc.
Masturbation can relieve some tension as does looking at internet sex sites.
It is my opinion it is the intimacy with your wife you are missing more than the actual sex act. And this is more difficult to cope with.
As I said earlier find a Sex Therapist and see if a solution can be found for you both within your marriage.
I have been approached by men on dating sites for 'discreet' sexual encounters and all I can think of is there wife. Just not my scene, prefer to be alone than hurt another woman in this way.
I applaud you for looking for solutions and it is refreshing to read a question such as yours where you have put your wife's needs ahead of your wants.
My very best wishes to you and whatever your decision, make sure you can live with it as it will be yours to know and for your wife not to find out if you choose 'discreet affair'.
Difficult for you I know.

Answer 10

If you love and value your wife any at all....you will not cheat on her....it will do nothing but cause you to get a divorce.....if sex means that much to you then get the divorce first.

There are reason that your wife may not be interested in sex any longer...she has probably gone through menopause, and with this happening she of course will not be interested. She can talk to her GYN about the lack of desire and meds can be prescribed....your wife may also be suffering from depression...but know this meds for this can also take the desire away. I think you and your wife need to talk, and see if you can find out why.

Answer 11

I understand your frustration but please, please do not find sex elsewhere as your wife would be devastated. I think you should (if you haven't already) speak to her about how frustrated you really are and try and encourage her to go with you to the GP and and he may refer you both for psycho sexual counselling. Masturbation is perfectly natural so don;t feel guilty about that. Also many folk go on sex sites for fun. Finding another partner would be dangerous and could end your marriage. Is that what you want?
Your frustration is understandable but please try and calmy speak to her about how you are feeling. Your wife may well feel sad that she has lost her sex drive and may fear you will go off with another woman. Part of a pleasure for me as a wife is to know that i keep my husband happy. Your wife may feel terrible about this but perhaps cannot speak about it. That's why i really believe you would both benefit from counselling and she may be able to get some treatment from her GP. It's worth a try. If on the other hand she refuses then i think you will have to decide if you want to stay in a sex less marriage. Can she not perform sex acts for you without direct sexual intercourse?