my wife looks at sex as a chore... how do I change this?

Question

she says "sex" is a power thing to her, and she doesn't look at it as enjoyment (she hasn't had sex without a semi buzz or been stimulated by extra treats).... I guess - since, we're now married and have two children..... and she has all the power.

do I have any hope? or am I doomed?

how do I get my power back?

I do - as some suggest, the weekends away - nice dinners, bubble baths, massages (mostly turned down - since it's implied that I'd want some - even when I insist it's just for her to relax)

I put the kids to bed, I wake up in the middle of the night to take care of the crying little ones.... and I rise early to give her time in bed alone in the morning (plus, make her a latte), I let her shop to her heart content, I keep myself in shape and well groomed.

I listen to her (she has issues, which are documented or should I say understood) and encourage to get some assistence.

I pay her compliments - since she's very sexy (best ***-ets I've ever seen - pre/post children)

I've not gone too over the top in being the romancing stallion since she seems to think I've got motives - so I keep it simple.

We are both not happy (hers is internal it appears, since she isn't attracted to other men and women in a sexual sense.... she's depressed with not being some BIG actress or WEALTHY)

Answer 1

It's interesting the way you deemed this to be a power struggle. Sounds to me like you wife doesn't enjoy sex. With that being the case and you with the urge to get the "power" back, why not turn the tables. Tease her, tempt her....give her a reason to want it and then not put out. Problem solved...you will then have the "power". However, if you actually want to get her to start enjoying sex so you are both getting it more often, then just simply try loving her honey. Women are like a car on a cold winter day. We need a little warming up. Run her a bath, give her a massage, kiss her neck, tell her how beautiful she is.....bring the passion back. It's a wonder she doesn't want to have sex unless she's buzzed. It's not a power thing. And the sooner you get that, the sooner you'll be getting something else.

Answer 2

You need to get away just the two of you and make it romantic. She feels like all care about is the sex and nothing else maybe email her and tell her how much you love her and appreciate all she does for you and the kids. I mean don't you think iot more important why she is acting this way and why she is not enjoying it as a part of the marriage?. Really
power should never be an issue in a relationship it is compromise and determination. Maybe start communicating
more it sounds to me like you have both distanced yourselves in the marriage and kids will do that you still have to make couple time get a babysitter and get the F out on the town show your wife a good time and maybe she will able to enjoy a romantic night with you rather then the same old crap
every time.

God Bless and Best Wishes

P.S. sometimes you just have to find different ways to get your wife in the mood. Maybe it's time to hit the gym maybe your belly has gotten a little to big for her to handle?

Answer 3

Okay, I know where your at from the other point of view. Sex is a chore when it's "hey think I can get some tonight? I've been working for 4 hours and you haven't had anything to do being at home with the kids all day" It's another thing on the list of things that need to be done. The sexiest thing that my man can do for me is the dishes.
If your in the mood, start early. If shes cooking dinner, come behind her and kiss her neck, tell her you love her. Leave it at that for a while. Whenever you see an opportunity, touch her. Non sexually. My biggest thing is that unless it's a sure thing, my husband doesn't touch me. Keep in mind that if she doesn't want to right then, she's not rejecting you, shes rejecting sex.
For women sex=love and it's very possible that she's thinking you look at her like a masturbation tool and not a woman you love.

Answer 4

Hello,
First....I'd like to point out that it shouldn't be a power issue for either of you.
From a womans standpoint on this, and being that I do not know facts on both sides.(She has got to have a story, same as you.)
Please understand I am not knocking you, and since I recognize the claims that you have made about your wifes feelings towards sex, please read what I have to say. (My ex had said the same things about me)
Listen to your wife...what is she really saying to you?
You don't have to respond here, but you may want to ask yourself a few questions and the answers you desire may be right in front of you.
Married, two kids, and she has to have a "buzz" or "special treat" to be stimulated to have sex?
It is clear to me that your wife feels unappreciated and she probably feels the whole burden of the household chores and raising the kids as though she is doing it alone, even if she is not. Where's the romance that you two shared prior to marriage and the children? (I know these feelings because I was once there.) Sounds like you two may have fallen into that one rut that sometimes causes more chaos than it's worth. I know that times are difficult everywhere and money doesn't grow on trees but to have what you desire, you need to step back and look back to what made her intimate with you before. A weekend trip, just the two of you. When was the last time you two went out as a couple? Dinner and a movie?
I may be reading between the lines more than I should but I know when I felt the way your wife does, it was because my husband pretty much went to work and then came home to the couch, or went and hung out with his friends doing what they enjoyed while I was placed on the back burner so to speak. By the time he had come home and even if he never left, I was too exhausted from doing what had to be done, to even give sex a second thought. Needless to say, over a period of time this can cause feelings of resentment for both parties, next thing you know, you are arguing, and before you know it, your in divorce court. Take my word for it, be honest with yourself and your wife. Marriage is a partnership, both have to openly communicate and compromise in order to make it work.
Many folks are againt counseling but I'd suggest that you two try it. Allow yourselves to be the judge of whether it was worth a few trips to a couselor. It would be far better than divorce and who knows, it could be beneficial to your entire family.
I do hope you two can work through this; Many Blessings to you and your family!

Answer 5

Per my fiance: If the sex stops in the marraige, the relationship is dead. Give up, move on, divorce her and save what's left of your life. When the sex stops, there's a problem. Take what's yours, get your power back. Divide & conquer. Tame that a$$. Tell her to just take it.

My opinion: Why does she feel like it's a chore? Does she not want to be with you anymore? How do you figure she has all the power if you're married and have 2 kids together? Marraige is a joint thing. It's not supposed to be a power struggle.

Answer 6

Help her with the house work. Help take the work load off of her and do some laundry. When you get to the task at hand give her a good back rub and pay her a lot of attention. Have you shown her respect ? Is there something that has happened that she is holding in? If that doesn't work take her to a therapist and find out what is going on maybe she is the only one that knows something could have happened to her when she was younger and it is now effecting her. If it is she has a lot of hard therapy to go through and will need you more than ever. Stay there until the end, thank you for remembering your vows.

Answer 7

Stop worshipping her sex organs.

Stop being her slave.

Stop _giving_ her the power.

Start refusing bad sex.

Start being a man.

You'll be happier, and she might actually see someone she wants to have sex with.

Are you doomed? Depends. Was the sex any good at any point? If so, you might get back to that. Or not.

www.nomoremrniceguy.com

You're a textbook case. Don't be put off by the title. Its not about no longer being nice. Its about how to become a nice _man_.

Answer 8

maybe its how you approach her about sex that makes it feel like a chore - because if you come in everynight just pulling her pants down its not going to be fun for long - try not asking for it and when you two are both relaxed watching a movie by yourself in the bedroom or the kids are asleep maybe start rubbing her back and go from there ( dont rub her back and try to take off her pants )

wether she works or not on a day that she looks tired - run her a bubble bath and you wash the dishes after dinner, and put the kids to bed - see what happens.

before this gets to long i can tell you this much - i love sex with my recent ex - but it was always ruined because it was suppose to be on his time, if i was asleep it was always nudging me to wake me up when kisses would have gotten the deed done, or pulling down my pants and trying to stick it in, not doing anything for me -

before this gets too long woman dont need romance and hours of fourplay all the time but when you never give it to us we never want to give it to you -

Answer 9

The bearing of children takes a toll psychologically and physically.

I suggest you insist you both go to counseling and get over this idea of WHO has the power. What power?!!!

Unless you are both giving 100% then neither has ANYTHING.

This idea of "power" is a myth. In a healthy marriage, each person has many different skills and attribute (good and not so good), but unless you hold EACH OTHER in equal esteem....you will not have a marriage for long.

Get to a counselor....ASAP.

Answer 10

Protect her. Protect her emotionally. Protect her physically (or at least have the muscle to SHOW you could) and Protect her financially (release the burden). Women are stressed by having to do any of these things themselves. Relieving them of these stesses adds stress to your life (but that stress pumps you for sex! It just drains her from wanting it) When a woman is FREE, totally free of stress, that's when they can be very sexual, and sensual...especially to the man who is doing the protecting. Thus why men in powerful positions (no matter HOW ugly) are swooned by women seeming to have an endless sex drive (Hugh Heffner)