Is it so horrible for a caregiver of an elderly relative to have one day a week to themself?

Question

I am referring to non emergency stuff,grocery shopping etc.

my grandfather is temporarily unable to drive..he wants only my mom to take him for a drive every day, or take him grocery shopping, or any other place he needs to go. She has a VERY painful frozen shoulder condition...she told him she needs tomorow for herself, he "said no you cant have a day for yourself EVERY week, you have to be flexible, I might want to go somewhere....." she quickly left his house to avoid an argument.Last weekend he called first thing Saturday morning demanding a ride somewhere.She was in so much pain she was in tears...she told him"I am in terrible pain right now" He answered"Ok, can you pick me up in a half hour?" He didnt even NOTICE that she was crying. The whole family is getting VERY tired of his self centeredness, even though it comes and goes. He can be really sweet for a day or 2 and like this the next few days.He is 73.

she does set boundaries, she did not pick him up Saturday, and tomorow she is NOT grocery shopping for him.Other members of the family have tried talking to him, he can get quite nasty sometimes...or he will apologize, it depends what kind of mood he is in.

Answer 1

Melissa,

Your post struck a chord with me. Please IM me if you or your mom ever need to vent.

I'm serious, this is a legitimate offer to lend you a shoulder.

I was the caregiver for my 88 year old grandmother for over a year, by myself, NO help.

I couldn't even have a few hours a day uninterrupted because no one else "could do it".

It's only going to get worse.

She HAS to take the time now to divvy up some of this responsibility among the family.

Otherwise, she will be it, and become resentful, as I did.

He needs to understand, as well, that she cannot be available at his every whim.

When he calls and wants to go somewhere, she needs to say NO, it's a bad time. Here's when I can do it. And STICK TO IT.

If she can't, another family member needs to step up and help if he's the type that you all fear would try to go on his own if someone refused him.

Again, email me or IM me through my profile if you ever need to talk...just remind me when you email or IM me who you are so I don't accidentally ignore you.

Best of luck!

Answer 2

Your mom needs a break that is for sure. See if you guys can get some one else in the family to step in for once a week for a few hours. Care giver stress is a big issue when it comes to taking care of the elderly. It contributes to elder abuse in some cases. See if you can get in touch with a social worker. There are programs that maybe could help such as adult day care. There may be other family's willing to car pool to give each other breaks.

Your grandfather is having trouble with dealing with the loss of independence. Do you think he likes relying on your mom really? My guess is no. Did he used to drive and now he can't? Was your Mom the one who told him he couldn't? He is also probably lonely and bored. Life slows down and stuff like grocery shopping and going to the doctor goes from stupid stuff i have no time for to the social event.

Answer 3

what we had to do for my great grandpa who was sorta doing like your grandpa is was to gather all the family members together and discussed the problem then we assigned/volunteer to a certain day and then wrote it on a dry erase board with our phone number beside it and gave it to my great grandpa. this way no one was overly stressed and he always knew who was either coming or who to call if he needed something each particular day. He did not like it and often called my grandma but she wouls just say okay Pat and then call who ever was on duty that day eventually he got used to the system and accepted it. example Monday-mom Tuesday-you Wednesday- Uncle Frank Thursday - Sue on so on. On whose ever day it was they where responsible for making sure he had dinner and what ever he may need through the night until the next person got there .

For my great aunt we did something different. One of her granddaughter didnt work and needed a place to live so she moved in and took over most of the daily care but once a week one of the other family members would come over to cover while she went out and had some time to her self.

There are some programs for caretakers to get support and help.

Answer 4

what is "temporary" and what if it happens again? You didn't say whether it is a physical problem or a car problem.

Understand that most elders (whether it is for a temporary or permanent fix) get like that, and it's because all their life they did what they wanted to do, went when they wanted to go, bought what they wanted to buy, but once on social security you start to live in a tight box (so to speak) and he may not be truly angry at family but they are the only people around to take his guff.

To help your mom out I'd suggest she have a chiropractor fix that shoulder of hers. He can probably do that quickly.

Answer 5

It may look like,..but not actually be self centeredness. Maybe he's frightened of being older and needing to rely on others for help. I would think if it was at all possible, it might be helpful to contact an agency in your area to see if there are any "companion volunteers" or something like that where he could talk to others like himself in the same situation. Just a thought.

Answer 6

Sounds like you and your Mom have devoted a large chunk of your life to your grandfather,God bless you! Most likely he's reacting out of fear of being alone and being abandoned etc. You must have some time for yourself,period. I would gather some other family members together and work out some" free" and "off "time for you and your Mom! That really is TOO much to ask of one person. For your grandpa's sake and for your own,you must have some free time in order for you to be healthy and available for him now and in the future.NO person including myself couldn't keep up with such a emotional stressful schedule. There are "elder care "services and social centers available,in certain areas,call the local SS office to find out Take care and good luck,remember he's not being hateful on purpose,he may be suffering from dementia etc,very common for them to suffer severe mood changes,minute to minute. Being with folks his own age may be beneficial for everyone. SW FNP

Answer 7

My answer might get me some backlash....I mean well though, remember that.....If caring for your grandpa is getting to be too much for your mom due to her own health problems, then she may need to check in to home health care or an assisted living facility or even a nursing home. If your grandpa wants to argue this point, then YOU may need to bring in other family members to talk to your grandpa TOGETHER. He may not realize how much stress he is putting on your mom. But if he does realize this, then it may take you and other relatives to intervene on your mom's behalf. I know your mom wants to do what is best for her parent, but I also know that you want to do what is best for YOUR parent. Every care giver needs a break, there are community services geared toward this type of situation. You just have to check within your community and see what it has to offer. Best wishes to you and your mom.

Answer 8

it is very wrong of your grandfather but he maybe going through a lot (no excuse but it may be a reason) eldery people sometimes go through a lot of anxiety and depression if they are sick and thinking they may not have long to live. maybe he is scared to be alone. Then again, he may just be old and grumpy! Are their other family members that can help? she cannot do this everyday. she needs more than one day a week to herself. She will have to stand up for herself. ask everyone else to help too

Answer 9

Hi there. I’m one of the writers for Gilbert Guide (the foremost resource for everything senior care). One of my colleagues wrote a post a while back called “Caregiver Burnout” that deals with this issue. Here’s an excerpt from the post:

“From an evolutionary standpoint, our bodies are made for short bursts of stress—like running away from dangerous situations, such as a forest fire. But today’s world is one of constant low-level stress. For caregivers, high stress levels are continual. And frankly, the human body isn’t made to withstand such constant wear and tear. As a whole, many family caregivers cannot put aside strong feelings associated with caregiving, which can run the gamut from devotion to guilt, to see the importance of avoiding the problem of caregiver burnout.”

To read the rest of the post, click here:

http://www.gilbertguide.com/blog/2007/02/21/caregiver-burnout-how-to-deal-with-it-and-avoid-it/

It’s great that your mother makes it a priority to take care of your grandfather and that she wants to keep him happy. That being said, she is first and foremost responsible for taking care of herself. It’s a tough boundary to set for an adult child. Her father cared for her when she was younger and she may feel it’s her responsibility to be at his beckon call. You mentioned in your additional details that she DOES set boundaries; it sounds to me like the issue is how to deal with the associated guilt. Hopefully some of the resources on our site will help her with that.

If you have any questions I may be able to answer for you, please don’t hesitate to email me at [e-mail]. We’re always talking with family caregivers, and we understand the related stresses.

Best of luck,
Lori
Gilbert Guide

Answer 10

Not only is it not horrible, it's necessary. Nobody can be a caregiver 24/7 under those circumstances without suffering damage to her own health and well-being. She needs a break.