basically this is the situation with my bf/father of my child...he wants to marry me but im not sure which is more important to me. he hasnt proven to be much of a provider, well not as much as i would like him to be...in his defense he is still very young...hes not a bum he has a job is going to college he just doesnt show much ambition in my eyes. if something seems too hard he shuts it down and doesnt try.
were not struggling (were not SUPER comfortable but were not on assistance or anything), we have money, hes not a dead beat, he takes care of his child.
meanwhile.....
me and his child are the most important things in his life he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship he is totally in love with me. i love him too i doubt i could find someone that puts me on a pedestal like he does...
i just dont know if i have my priorities straight.
2007-04-13 17:35:05 · 48 answers · asked by Not here 2 make friends 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
for all the people making assumptions about me....I HAVE A GOOD JOB AND A DEGREE AND I AM PRETTY MUCH THE BREADWINNER NOW.... just for the kind of life we envisioned we need 2 good incomes and i want to slow down and have more kids.
2007-04-13 17:47:12 · update #1
i am not high maint. maybe some of you didnt read i have a CHILD she is and always will be my first priority. he and i grew up poor and dont want that for her...
2007-04-13 18:31:11 · update #2
Well it looks like you have some doubts about how is this man going to turn to be later on, I understand what are you saying, what's worrying you is that it might be ok the way he is now but later on, it just might not be enough, and that is understandable, I'm the same way, and security and stability are two very important things in a relationship especially when is a long term relationship, for ever is a long time and you have to choose what is best for you and your family, my advice is to give him a little bit more time to see if he is going to satisfy your standards. good luck.
2007-04-13 18:07:39 · answer #1 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say an excellent father and husband would be better in the long run then a good provider money is just money if that person only has money for there personality what does he really have. Usually a excellent husband/father knows how to take care of there family through the good times and the bad. If the excellent provider became broke one day what does he have to offer?. You must look at a real life standpoint someone that lives for money really doesn't live for anything else. Where as someone that lives for his wife and kids will be there when you need them.
I think you have found yourself one of the good men left on this planet and you are worrying about the small stuff. Really he loves you and your child and he worships the ground you walk on is there anything wrong with this NO he will be a stand-up guy and if you don't screw things up you'll grow old together.
God Bless and Good Luck.
2007-04-13 17:51:44 · answer #2 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must be a latina. I'm latino too and in our culture the man is always seen as the 'provider'. In the modern world, though, things are getting more expensive. So it's rare to see a couple today where only the man is the provider and the hard-worker, while the woman stays home and cooks. Life is not like that anymore. So unless you are with a doctor or an attorney, don't expect that to change much.
If you love him and he loves the child, perhaps you should put aside your self-centered behavior and go on with him. Some people don't have ambitions and are comfortable and happy with what they got. Conformist, you could say. Maybe he'll change, maybe not.
Not to sound rude, but the blunt fact is that if you love him for real (not for his money), you shouldn't be asking this question in the first place. Because good love is hard to find. So I disagree with whoever said your priorities are straight, because they are not.
2007-04-13 17:43:49 · answer #3 · answered by Jose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Exactly....
Women have fought so much for their rights just to be equal to men, but when it comes down to who's going to work the hardest lets shove that all on the men. Thats a bunch of bs, really, you are comfortable... he's a great guy... and hes actually not a bum because he's going to college and working. Do you really know how hard it is to go to school and work at the same time? Yeah its pretty difficult, I do it I was working two jobs and going to school at the same time. And I'm sorry but going to college is ambition. You could do tons worse. Providing is providing either way, and if you are provided with everything you need I would pretty much call him an excellent provider. You just want the pampered life up on a cloud, and I'm sorry its not that easy. You take what you can get, and a 24/7 life with his father is whats going to matter with your child, not every other weekend and half the holidays. Got it... good...
Sorry kind of blowing off steam, that's the kind of life my ex-wife was expecting and really coming from the poor life she was brought up on, we had it pretty good when we were married.
2007-04-13 17:47:37 · answer #4 · answered by Michael T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you have one heck of a great guy and you do not want to lose him for anything! Money will come in time and if he is working AND going to college AND helping to raise a child AND head over heels in love with you, then he has ambition. He is probably worn out from being pulled in a dozen different directions right now that when something seems too hard, he doesn't have the time or energy to try very hard to make it work out. He loves you and his child and is trying to make a good future for all of you. In a relationship, you have to start out at the bottom and work your way up, that goes for financial stability as well. It sounds like you both have your priorities straight. Hold on tight to each other! Good luck!
2007-04-13 17:51:25 · answer #5 · answered by mother_of_a_princess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To quote you, "me and his child are the most important things in his life he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship he is totally in love with me. i love him too i doubt i could find someone that puts me on a pedestal like he does..."
Since he's the father of your child, and he's in college AND holds down a job, he's not a deadbeat, you have money and aren't struggling, and he takes care of his child, the answer is simple.
The problem, however, is you. Your priorities are mixed up. If you don't see what is important, and stop criticizing him for WHO HE IS, and stop nagging him to have more ambition, it'll never work. Treat him like a man and he'll act like one. If you marry him, you have to accept him for who he is, not hope you can change him to meet your ideal fantasy. Anything else would be unfair to him.
You sound like a very lucky lady to me. Please realize it before you lose a good thing.
Re your details:
If you don't think he'll provide you with the kind of lifestyle you envision for yourself in the future, don't marry him. Neither one of you will be happy, since you'll always be dissatisfied and blame him for everything, even though you knew who he was and what he was like when you married him.
2007-04-13 17:43:18 · answer #6 · answered by Bad Kitty! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sounds like he is a good man who is wanting to take an interest in you and the child - that can be far more important in the long run than money that can be spent or wasted on trivia and still never buy happiness
i think if you focus on what he does have to offer rather than on what he doesn't then that can be a good basis to help the two of you work on committing to one another and raise your child together
you did mention he was young - it could be that at the moment he is lacking in confidence (many young people do lack confidence) - if you can encourage him in what he does have to offer then you can help nurture more self confidence in him - then the ambitions will then start to emerge in his life
i am probably thinking that you are fairly young too and are wondering 'what if' you had made other choices etc? speaking as someone who is happily married for 15 years - i think from what you said that this chap of yours could well be part of a happy marriage too as he seems to have a good set of priorities
i teach my 8yo son that you LOVE people and LIKE things not the other way about - something your young man is doing too.
all the best for the future - i think you would make a lovely couple
2007-04-13 18:13:48 · answer #7 · answered by Aslan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay Boo, I here your story but let me tell you from experience, is he going to school because you want him to, he doesn't have ambition that means you will always live in mediocracy, and always live beneath your means, Is that what you want for you and your children. If so then that's not fair. I know you love him and he loves you and understands you and puts you on a pedestal. Do you like living check by check and day by day, is that fair. is that what your parents had in mind for you. I'm sorry Boo Boo Kitty love is not enough I thought it was but love does not pay the bills, when the going gets tuff you are going to be the one to make ends meet. I'm sorry but love I thought it was everything but love doesn't cut it it requires ambition, drive and motivation. Wait to see if he is truly going to do something that will benefit you'll with his degree, don't fall into the trap. Just pray to God for guidance and direction. Your child should be your first priority, just because you are two paychecks away from assistance don't give in he could just be there so he won't pay child support and every women needs a provider and security without it you can do it yourself.
2007-04-13 18:11:47 · answer #8 · answered by Kbella 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I told my husband that as long as he loved me just the way I want to be loved, everything else would work out. So far, that is the way it is...he is on unemployment, trying to change his career, and he is home taking care of our (his from a previous marriage) kids, cooking dinner, taking care of the house, and making me feel like the most precious thing in the world. Sometimes it is hard bucking the preconceived notion of the man being the provider, but it really is working for us. If he makes you happy and you are doing okay, just have faith! Just remember, it may fall on you to plan for the future and put something away in savings...again a typical "man" job, but you are doing fine. A lot of people never find love like you and I have!
2007-04-13 17:43:24 · answer #9 · answered by hdgrrl72 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
all 3 are important. but things you need to look at. if hes a super good provider that will take time from you and your child. so if your comfortable then hes doing good there. he sounds like he really loves you and his child which who could ask for more. and it sounds like you really love him so i ask you this whats the problem. he does have all his priorities straight and so do you. LOL so go and marry the guy and be happy. you have everything you need with him don't loose him, too many women want men like him keep him and be a happy family that it sounds like you are. :)
2007-04-13 17:44:30 · answer #10 · answered by kameo_44 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋