What would you do if you felt you were all alone?

Question

I have been with my husband for over 5 years.We have been having a lot of promblems lately.His family of course is on his side(the promblems reside over his career and whether I have the right to my own)they think that as long as he works and I really don't have to than I should just smile and be leave it to beavers mom.
I enjoy working and having my own money and life aside from the home.I feel so alone.My family is passed away and I was the only child.What do I do?It is really taking a toll on me and I feel that it could drive us apart.

Basically,in his mind if I want to work than thats fine but,I need to make arrangements for childcare(which is not cheap for two boys one in diapers).If he has to figure it out than his respone is I don't know what to tell you.

Answer 1

We are all individuals. We all need a sense of our self worth. We dont need to feel that we are an important person just on who we associate with or who we marry. I think your attitude is healthy....you have a good sense of selfworth. Yur husband and his family obviously see a wife's role as differently to you. When you sign the dotted line called the marriage certificate it doesnt mean you sign away your rights as a person. Two becomes one is absolute bullshite. Two try to become one, but what seems to be forgotten is that two people when they come together out of love, doesnt mean that love will make you lose your identity. We are all raised in a different way. Your values, your ideas are different to your husband's. The way your husband was raised was totally different to how you were raised. This brings up an extremely important issue.....who is right? How can either of you be right when both of you were raised in a totally different way. Your husband has to realise he married a person....a person with different ideas. He has to respect the differences. He has to respect that he married a person, not a possession. He must learn to compromise. He must learn that you are an individual in your own right. He needs to understand that you love him, which I am sure you do, but that you are a person first. You are not his possession. Did his parents write the rule books on how to be a "good" wife.....as a matter of fact....are there any rule books on that subject? His parents are a product of their environment as much as you are a product of yours. Your husband isnt right. His parent's are not right either. They are suggesting you be a certain way based entirely on their opinions. Opinions are not fact, they are just opinions. You need to respect that your husband and their family have differing opinions to you. But they have to respect that your opinions are just as important as anyone else around. They are not right. You may be not right either. Its only when you can accept and respect the differences will your relationship turn into one of maturity. Maybe you are more mature than your husband and your family combined. Do not lose your identity based on opinions. You are your husband's equal. You have equal say. You have equal rights to your own opinions. If you think what I am saying is wrong, then you show me the rule book to say how a marriage should be. It's the same as parenting....there is no rule book on the correct way of parenting, just the same as there is no rule book on what makes a successful marriage. It is all individual, but the thing I have picked up on is......a successful marriage will only be as good as the two people involved. If one person thinks they are right and are not open to differing ideas and opinions, then it turns into a control relationship and nobody should hold the reigns in any relationship. Stand your ground, hold on to your independence....hold onto your ideas, your values and your morals because when it is all said and done, if you compromise to make someone else happy, then you are no more than a compliant little wife who wants happiness at all costs, even though it is something you dont believe in. If you keep on giving in to the opinions of others, then you will eventually lose your personality. You will eventually become a duplicate copy of your husband. You will become nothing more than something he and his family has moulded you into....and that really isnt who you are......it is a person they want you to be. Its not right. Your husband and your parents in law are wrong. If he wanted a certain type of a wife, he should never have married you. He should have made his intentions clear of what he expected from a wife. He should have insisted upon his potential wives giving him a resume of theirselves and their expectations. And when he found the person that is good "wife" material, he should have made her sign a contract to say that she will give up her personality and allow herself to be the person he will mould her into.

You are the only one who can decide if you want to be the "moulded" wife. If you are happy being the person he wants you to be, then by all mean be the person they all want you to be. If you value yourself, then hang onto your beliefs.

Take care

Answer 2

I had no idea that there are still people out there who actually believe that a woman should give up her career for her man. But, congratulations, you found them!

It's really important that you keep your independence. But try to find a balance. I mean, maybe the problem isn't so much your career but that you're spending too much time at work. Make time for your spouse.

I read a review about a great book (I haven't read it myself though): It's called The Feminine Mistake - Are women giving up too much by Leslie Bennetts.
This seems to fit into your situation.
You know, it's easy to give up a career. But hard to get one. Surely you remember that it probably took you a while to get a good job and to get your feet firmly planted into a career. Well, I remember my own situation. It takes years. Don't throw the towel. But communicate with your husband. On the plus side, he has a wife that works and brings home money. Who would object to that? You have a higher standard of living because both of you work. Life is just better that way. And you have something to talk about.

Answer 3

Oh honey, do I ever have a solution to your problem. I raised five kids and worked and never put a one of them in child care. I simply worked part time but opposite shifts as my husband so that he would get his fair share of "daddy" time. Granted the job choices aren't as desireable, the amount of sanity I kept by having one made it worthwhile (I was a bartender). It also enabled me to have adult conversations and meet some rather "interesting" people. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can let your marriage stay on the rocks while you continue to build a resentment towards your husband and alienate you inlaws, or you can do what works for you. Life is short sweetie and it's about the journey, not some unattainable "fairy tale life" goal. So you can sit there fretting about what you should or shouldn't do or you can get out there and actually start doing it.

Now, if you want to know how it worked out....that's a different story. It wasn't easy, I initially got home sick, I worried how he was with the kids all alone, and there were a few of those emergency phone calls that still has me sratching my head....but my children survived, they are equally attached to both me and my husband AND my husband and I are the best of friends and have been happily married for 18 years. It taught me that I could depend upon him, that we were valued equally in the marriage as well as in our children's lives. Much like you probably are, I too, didn't think it would work and I thought of myself as selfish for wanting more. Over time, I've learned to realize that if you aren't completely happy in life, neither are those around you.

I hope you find what ever it is you are looking for sweetie. Just remember, you matter too!

Answer 4

You don't give enough details. Do you work now and they are giving you a hard time about it? Do you have children?
Do you have friends to talk to and spend time with?

You are right in that you have a right to have your own career, your own money and your own life outside the home. Perhaps your husband feels threatened....that if you are able to support yourself or be independent, you won't need him anymore. Perhaps he has old fashioned ideas that he should be able to support you and he's weak if you work.

Whatever the case, you need to tell him how much you love him, how much you appreciate all he does for you, and that as you grow, you want to be accomplished and use your education and your 'smarts' to do something good with your life. I think it's extremely important for a woman to have her own money, her own bank account, so she's not entirely dependent on the man. Course you may not want to tell him that, but he should understand how you feel.

If he wants to continue to control you and your life, you might be better off without him and his family. I hope you have friends you can talk with and who can support you. If not, that's another reason to go out and work, to at least have other people to relate to, and perhaps find women you can be friends with. Good luck!

Answer 5

It sounds to me as if you have the need to have something in your life other than just being a housewife. I am the same way.

You don't mention what kind of problems you are having. Does he want you to stay at home and not work? If so, does he hassle you about how much money you spend? If he wants you not to work and doesn't hassle you about spending a few dollars without having to account for it,(he can't have it both ways) then don't work but do get out of the house and join a group or groups of people that might have similar interests. If you don't do at least this much for yourself you will stagnate and become unhappier.

Answer 6

Oh, honey. Let's talk. I've been with my husband for 13 years. My family is now deceased (mom 6 months ago). He is totally into CONTROL. It is very important for you to have your own money, I don't care if it's $3.50/hr down at Burger King - GET and HAVE your own savings account. You will need it. It sounds like you are going to need it in the future. I gave up a job (almost $100,000 a year) because my husband wanted to retire. Now, two years later, he tells me I am a "failure" as a wife, that he wanted someone who is "positive" (sorry, I'm into reality, not pollyanna), basically I am now dog poo-poo. Wow. Okay, let's look out for #1. That's you. Get a private savings account, start funneling money into it. If you don't need it in a year or so, great. If you do, it's there for you.

Answer 7

You are entitled for your independence. I won't advise women to be ft homemakers. Men tend to mentally abuse their woman by telling them their lazy because they stay home all day, this just an example. Sometimes family will still criticized you because they think you spend his money and don't work. So yes speak up and stay on your right direction. Being alone ? Don't let a man take advantage of your situation. Socialize more often with friends or make new friends.

Answer 8

Let's see... If you don't get a career, then you will be unhappy and that will drive you apart from your husband. If you do get a job, he won't like it and that will drive you away from your husband. So you are stuck in a catch-22. So I would simply express my disgust to him that his family is interfering in your lives and lay down the law - that you are going to get a career. If he really loves you, then he will see that it's best for you and for your relationship. If he doesn't, then he'll be unreasonable and that would be just another reason for you to dump him.

Answer 9

it seems like you are a very independant woman, and very capable of managing your life, even if you have a few obstacles to cross..there are some wives who would love to stay home, and some who enjoy working..it seems like you are getting too much pressure from hubby's family too..they should not be a part of your decisions regarding your choices..you do have a choice to have a career if you want it..i hope you can tell your hubby,how important this is to you as a person..keep trying to convince him, dont walk out too fast.. but in the end,you have to do whatever you need to do. i wish you success in any choice you make..good luck

Answer 10

i comprehend i like time on my own, yet each and every so often whilst i'm domicile on my own i think on my own and that i do no longer understand what to do. I frequently in simple terms hear to Celine Dion-by fact which you enjoyed me. many times returned. by fact on Wednesday my brother is going returned appropriate college and the two my parents are working so I ought to be domicile on my own ALL day yet i desire to circulate to my aunty's by fact i visit be lonely.Thats truly unhappy. I desire i develop into there to convenience you. that's like i've got on no account necessary all people lots as much as i want a undeniable guy or woman now.