Anyone like my lyrics? (I'm not getting answers in the music category!!!)?

Question

If you need me,
I am right here.
If you feel despaired,
Let me catch your tears.

I want to help,
With all of my heart.
But you push me away.
How am I supposed to start?

You are so beautiful,
If only you could see.
How perfect you are,
To me.

I am your friend,
And always will be.
I am here to help,
But what will happen if you won’t trust me?

If you need me,
I am right here.
I will hold you in my arms,
And chase away your fear.

You don’t see yourself clearly,
You only see what’s wrong.
I’ll be right here for you,
Even as you pull away from me, I sing this song.

You don’t realize,
That’s what is important is within.
I will protect you,
Until you are ready to stand in your own skin.

I will stay up all night with you,
All you need to do is ask.
I am here for you,
And I will help you battle your past.

If you need me,
I am here, and always will be.
I love you as you are,
When you are blind to your beauty, I will help you see.

If you need a shoulder,
Mine is always open to you.
I lend you my heart,
Because I know you would do it for me too.

When you are insecure,
I will hold your hand.
When you need a friend,
I will come running from another land.

If you need me,
I will stay with you all night.
When you only see faults in this world,
I will show you the right.

If only you could see,
I really want you to heal,
Yet you push me away,
And will not eat your meals.

If you need me,
I will show you the way.
And even though you may hate me for it,
I am your friend and I will care for you always.


Inspired by a friend of mine battling an eating disorder and self-confidence issues. this is my first song, any suggestions? Opinions?

Answer 1

The concept is beautiful, but you have a couple problems here. With lyrics, it is even MORE important than ever to be conscious of meter and pentameter. The lyrics have to eventually match up with a muscial verse and chorus - and usually a verse and chorus repeat themselves - therefore your lyrics have to have the same pattern over and over. And I see places where they dont.

Read this aloud to yourself. Try to hear the rhythm - it has to be there.

The first line where you have a problem is "How am I supposed to start?" TOO many beats. Try subbing "Where should I start?" and you will hear the difference.

This is just a matter of cleaning up. Take it verse by verse and work on making them match. Often, its just a matter of taking a word out, adding one, using a contraction or finding a word that's similar but has a different amount of syllables. You can do this.

If you want to send it to me when you're done or if you have more questions, feel free to. Pax - C

Answer 2

I think your song is very nice. These other people are being way too critical & picky. Forget all that crap about meter, structure and being too long. You don't really want to hear your song on pop radio do you? Look at Dashboard Confessional & Counting Crows for inspiration. Chris Carrabba (DC) & Adam Duritz (CC) love to break the mold with putting words together with music their own way. And both of these groups are fantastic. I would probably get rid of the line about not eating meals, but then again Chris & Adam would most likely keep it in and make it work.
Good luck & I hope your friend is doing well.

Answer 3

Keep developing it, it seems too simple to stand on its own in written form. Lyrics can be very inspiring on many different levels and not simply on a "my friend is having problems, I want to encourage her" levels. Do you feel upset that she is upset? I cannot hear you behind all that. You just sound like a counselor. Develop those feelings MORE!! On your next song, of course. The best way is to keep writing... make bad songs too and throw them away, come back later revise etc. Rhyming is overrated, try alliteration and other techniques, similes metaphors...What do you listen too to inspire you? I am late 20's now and I stated writing in my teens. Listened allot to Joni Mitchell then, she is very inspiring, emotional music, and very simple sometimes. Try the album "Court and Spark" or "Clouds". She is CLASSIC. Then maybe the first Liz Phair record. I wrote alot of my music after listening to Pavement (the band). If you prefer something more current, the best lyrical stuff now is The Shins, Modest Mouse or the new Arcade Fire album. I also like Rasputina, but that is a little dark (maybe to Goth for you?)Pop and top twenty music is fun and accessible but not known for its lyrical integrity.
Good luck and don't give up! Tell your Friend that I wish her strength too!

Answer 4

I think it' really good but i would leave out these two lines or change them to something else. The first one is the one about the person eating and the other one says something about coming from another land.I think what you have in the first part of the song is good and that you really don't need the extra lyrics. Hopefully your friend will appreciate all the time and effort you've put into doing this for him/her.

Answer 5

AHA! My kind of question...
Bravo to you for having the compassion to write about something so personal.....
Before I give you my opinion, let me say that I am a songwriter/singer, and have been for many years......So I'm not coming at you blind....
The words are very good...Judging from your word usage and song structure, I would say that you write a lot of poems....Most songwriters start this way....
But you have to be able to separate poetry from songwriting......
Everyone (songwriters) want to break the mold.....They want to write something different....That's what we all want....But the words you use carry the most impact.....Not how you use them...
You absolutely have to stick to the norm when it comes to structure...
Verse
Secondary verse (if need be)
Chorus
2nd verse
2nd secondary verse (if need be)
Chorus
Bridge
Ending chorus (repeated if need be.)
There is a structure to songwriting...Use the words you have, but put them into something that, as a listener, not a writer, you can relate to or at least remember.....You've got a lot of words there sweetheart :>D......Break them down, repetition is key in songwriting......
look over your words and restructure.,....Put them into the kind of format you hear on the radio......I'd love to see the end result!
Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

Good song; you might want to eliminate some of the lyrics and insert a REFRAIN that keeps repeating the theme of the song.

You might want to listen to songs from The Fray or Snow Patrol for more examples.

Answer 7

No.

Too long for a contemporary song and filled with cliche drivel. SOMETHING should be unique about it...

Pretty vague too. It's hard to get the idea this is about a friend with an eating disorder.

Answer 8

Goes on too long. The concept is good. Have you ever heard "She Thinks His Name Was John" recorded by Reba McIntyre? It's about a woman dying with AIDS. It's very moving and you get the idea right away.....much shorter.

Answer 9

Good song reading it I could hear and see a person strumming an acoustic guitar. It get's a little repetitive at some points,but overall a nice song.