Was this your first wake?

Question

Grandfather’s Wake

Tell me, grandfather, of the ages pasting your face
Like dried sour milk
On thin paper in
The hot sun.

Tell me, grand-daddy, oh!
My daddy!
Is this death the only face
Where I can’t count on you?

Why make me afraid?
Your jaws and those claws curled closed,
Pretending innocence in repose
And that faint smell of make-up.

I’m only seven,
Lying to myself,
Dreaming
I’m already eleven times this size
Still dancing with your shadow
Hitched to my sunshine.

Oh, love me, angry man!
It’s not to play that I touch your hand!
It is to touch. . .
There is no other
Of such solemn and Pacific eyes
The white hair strips
Like sighs for a trodden brow.

Oh, love me!
Not in all of your spells
Has the quiet so prolonged.

Look what you’ve done to me
Just growing old, once.

So, tell me, grandfather,
Tell me the songs once more;
The ones you sang for every living occasion.
Tell me about little girls everywhere
Who aren’t as pretty as me.

Tell me how and what to see.
Give me your lifetime!

(Now he comes, the changed one, looking at us all.
He sees what we feel with the old man’s fall
And he sees
He left his garden.)

Tell me, grandfather, more
About what I will do now.
Why can’t I move them
As you do?
Why can’t I move them,
Those filling, busy people who neglect me?

Tell me, grand-daddy, oh!
My daddy!
Is this death the only face where I can’t count on you?

Did you know you are killing me
Jut growing old once?

Thx. Barbiq. I'm probably headed in that direction...just not yet.

Answer 1

It's from the heart - very emotional, but I think it could use a little editing. It's a bit self indulgent. Try reading it aloud and see what you think. There are a little too many Oh's which are distracting and give it a melodramatic feel that takes away from its sincerity. Reconsider them. Is that supposed to be "skin" in the first stanza?

I think if you self edited a bit and took a little of the drama out of it, it will be much stronger. After all, this is a 7 year old child, no? I dont see a 7 year old child talking so dramatically. I see 7 year olds at wakes and I think the emotions they feel are more of fear and the sudden realization of mortality.

It needs a bit of work. I will give it an 8. Work on it. Pax - C

Answer 2

I admire your work, however can I add that this isn't the place you want to really post your work. Why don't you look into some of the poetry web sites or some of the Flash fictions sites. There are contests, as well as e-publications that you could really do well with.

Answer 3

You have some depth, but a lot of superficial play on words. Keep it up tho..you could become very, very good. Good Luck and sorry about your Grandaddy.

Answer 4

At this point in time, we cant cling to the glory of our ancestors because we must go forward, carrying with us our fate and destiny as our heritage.

Answer 5

That's an interesting poem. I've never heard one like that before. I've been to wakes before.

Answer 6

Great poem but I don't like the "granddaddy oh" part.

Answer 7

That wasn't very good.

Answer 8

So...what's your point?

Answer 9

um...ok

Answer 10

??????