If nobody knows, is it wrong?

Question

My friend (female) and her best friend (male) are both married and have been friends for over 20 years. Now they are thinking about becoming "friends with benefits." She says that neither one is interested in leaving their marriage, but bored sexually. She also says that they both agree on this and nobody will ever know when/if they start. She said nothing has happened yet, but probably will soon. He lives in another state now and only sees her once or twice a year and she says that will help keep the potential feelings in place so it does not go any further. I am afraid she will ruin her life if this happens. Is it possible for two consenting adults to have this type of relationship without others knowing? I dont know what to say to her.

Answer 1

they can but eventually someone's going to get hurt

Answer 2

Well in all honesty someone will know. The two of them will know, and you since she has told you of it. Even if you are not sure you will wonder about it when the two do see each other. Obviously they know its wrong and she has some reservations. If she is bored with her marriage maybe she should do some things to spice up that part of the marriage. If that is not a possibility she should get a divorce before searrching out another relationship because when it all comes out, and it always does, adultry is adultry no matter how many times a year it happens. If she is trying to avoid hurting her husband this will hurt him also maybe more. It is harder for some to get over the pain of their spouse cheating than it is to get over a failed marriage. Again if the only problem is that she is bored with the sex then she should spice it up a little. Get spontanious, use the car, the table, the counter, a blanket in the yard, candles and massage oil..... the possibilities are endless and this does work for most. Good Luck

Answer 3

It's wrong and there are no such things as "secrets". What's done in the dark comes to light each and every time. If there's a problem in their marriages and sex life they can discuss that with their significant others. There are books that feature "kama sutra" (different sexually positions), there are various sex acts, there are different places to participate, there are cute lovers games to play. There are so much that can be done to put "sparks" back in a relationship than to cheat with someone else's husband/wife! Rent a dirty movie, wear a blond wig and a treachcoat to bed, open the door wearing your birthday suit, get some chocolate syrup, some dice and a toothbrush. A maid uniform, a whip, some blindfolds and a feather. Even some handcuffs (that don't lock), a love note describing what you want to do later, etc. Some red 6 inch heels! a bow tie and rose. Learn to pole dance, belly dance. My god why is cheating the answer?!!!!!!!

Answer 4

The thing is that someone else already knows (you) and he might have discussed it with who knows how many people. If she is bored with her sex life she should try and change it WITH her husband instead of trying to find a solution outside the marriage. Cheating is never a solution to a marriage problem, it only makes the problems even harder, if not impossible, to overcome. Maybe ask her how would she feel if her husband found a "friends with benefits" arrangement? I'd also ask her if she has so little respect for her husband and her marriage and sex is more important than those things, why doesn't she just get a divorce and then she won't have to sneak around (except for when she sleeps with married men)?

Answer 5

If they are bored sexually with their married partner, then I suggest they try to spice things up with their married partner instead of looking outside the marraige. That would lead to a whole host of catastrophe if found out (and even if not found out) like lack of trust etc,

For spicing things up there is a technique in sex therapy called sensate focus. What it does is have the couple abstain from intercourse for a while and work on the basics (kissing, erotic massage, falletio etc.)
With the improved sexual communication and sensation, it would build a better framework for the couple to try new things, or at least enjoy the old things more than previously.

Answer 6

Once you cross the line to friends with benefits your relationship changes with your husband/wife and your friend. Cheating is cheating and if they are only going to have benefits twice a year how is that going to solve the problem of being bored sexually with there spouse? Your friend needs to stop justifying her behavior. Wrong is wrong.

Answer 7

there are way to many things that could and probably will go wrong here. They both need to think of there families and what this would do to them if they ever got caught (and eventually everyone who does this will get caught). When you take the marriage vowels it is for better or worse (as long as the worse is not him/her abusing the other). I would tell your friend that you feel it is best for her and her fmly that she does not go down that road.

Answer 8

It is not in the best interest of anyone involved. If they are bored with their spouses, instead of commiserating with each other, they should be trying to re-ignite the fires of romance with their spouses. When a person starts having a physical relationship with someone, emotional ties start to grow. It will also lead to even more dissatisfaction with their respective mates. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. It would be exciting and fun, but oh so dangerous and wrong. Please advise her that she is playing with fire, and fire is very destructive. Her family does not deserve the consequences of her actions.(Even though she thinks there won;t be any.)

Answer 9

It is possible. Is it a good idea? No. Not at all. I've been in this type of relationship, it always turns out badly. Whether or not anyone knows, it's still wrong. Your friend will know. Why doesn't she just talk to her husband about how she feels about their sexual relationship? that doesn't make any sense.

Answer 10

Is it wrong? YES. Even if no one finds out, it is wrong. Plus, there is a likelihood that things will come out eventually. Very few people are good enough liars to keep fooling both partners for very long. You might suggest that your friend work on spicing things up with her husband. Chances are her husband is dissatisfied as well.

Answer 11

It doesn't sound good. Ultimately either the cat will get out of the bag or someone will waver on their committment to being friends with benefits. Besides, your friend will know that she's cheating and that should eat her up inside.