Is it me or the men I chose?

Question

I find it hard to be in a relationship and be 100% happy. I am married for the second time. Before this marriage I was also engaged for a year but called it off.Also my first divorce was my choice. Now I thought I was the happiest ever but since getting married, i just dont feel the same. Everything has changed. Am I just not finding the right men. They have done nothing wrong to me. I don't know why i feel like this.Sometimes i think i am just better off dating and living alone but I wouild hate to get divorced again!! Help any advice.

Answer 1

YOu answered your question...... your not being fair to your husbands.....

Answer 2

Make a list of everything you say has changed since you married this fellow.
Take a step back and look at the big picture.
Why did you marry him in the first place?
I don't see the word "love" anywhere in your question my dear.
I see the word "happy" used in conjuncion with marriage.
You don't have to be married to be happy.
And a marriage without love is doomed to failure.
If you are unhappy, do you think your husband is?
I don't know exactly what happened in your first marriage, maybe you fell out of love.
You were engaged for a year to another man thinking marriage would make you happy, but called it off.
You married this guy, thinking you would finally be happy, but your not.
What has changed really besides your marital status?
Ask yourself some tough questions, you will find the answers if you are honest with yourself.

Answer 3

It's you. But it isn't that you should just be happy, you just need to find out what you are missing and how to communicate that in order to make your marriage more satisfactory. Were you in the habit of going from man to man before you married? Are you missing excitement and change? Did you find your men to be attentive before and then slowly felt ignored? Honestly I don't think the right man just exists, I think you work at creating the right relationship with the best start you can, but sounds like you go in expecting to have it already there somehow. You think that change or loss of feelings is a sign of failure.
A good man is just a starting place. Start with good soil, then plant a garden. You need more, but so does everyone else - we are all missing things in our marriage and we learn to talk about it and work at it to put it there. People change and needs change and feelings fade if they are not nurtured. Don't walk out on this one again. Use it to learn what you can do differently.

Answer 4

I don't neccessarily think it is your choice in partners. I have a sister that is like this, and from what I see she is in love with love. She is now married for the 3rd time. (Hopefully this one will work but I doubt it) Okay she dates a person and next thing you know they are in love and going to get married. She does not give herself time to really get to know the person for one, and second she is expecting that even after they get married it is going to be the same as when they were datring and therefore the person "changes" and now she doesn't love them anymore. Advice, don't give up on this marriage just yet, if there is not any abuse involved that is. Get some conseling, for yourself and as a couple. You need to understand who you truly are and what you are truly expecting in the marriage. Marriage is wonderful when both people are giving the full effort it requires. One thing I found in my marriage is that I am always ready to go out of my way for my husband and my husband does the same for me.

Good luck I hope you are able to work through this.

Answer 5

Anybody can make a bad decision once. Sometimes even the brightest of us are fooled by dishonest people. However, if you have repeatedly found yourself in bad relationships with less than acceptable men, then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. While there are plenty of bad men out there, it is up to you to find and choose the good ones. Only you are responsible for creating and maintaining a pattern of poor selection.

Answer 6

After the "honeymoon" stage a marriage gets much more familiar and comfortable. But some people don't want to transition to this and enjoy the exciting adventure when a relationship is new.

If this describes you, this could be why long term committments are not your style. Everyone is different, you just may need to adjust your expectations and lifestyle to match how you are wired.

Answer 7

If the guys haven't done anything wrong than it's you. You must have some past issues and need counceling. good luck. Maybe you should be thinking a little more about all of these guys and the hearts you are breaking and less about yourself. No one is perfect and no one can make you happy. Your happiness is about YOU not about anyone else. Happy is a reaction/emotion that comes from your mind... it is something that you are in control of not an outside force.

Answer 8

Live your life the way that makes you happy. Marriage is not for everyone and yes it could just be your choice in partners. I've been married twice. I'ts not for me, or at least hasn't been the right person. I chose to live alone and date. It works out well and for me much better than marriage. I'm much happier. Don't stay married unhappy. Divorcing now will be alot less mess than waiting and much fairer to the other person involved.

Answer 9

my advise since you asked.

I as well have been married and then divorced...I have found it is better to stay single...when one gets married the newness wears off and u are stuck..with being single if and when the newness wears off I can just move on...no biggie no divorce..however, newness has not warn off yet so...everything is fine...again I find the answer is NOT to get married again...it is fun to do what u want when u want and u don't have to answer to anyone....good luck with your life

Answer 10

Maybe you just shouldn't be married!! Plain and simple.

Marriage takes alot of work. It is not always wine and roses and moonlit strolls...it takes commitment, something you haven't seemed to put into any relationship.Don't live miserably and put your husband through the same. Figure out what you really want and move on from there.

Answer 11

I think that you may be a huge part of this. It sounds to me like you are expecting your relationships to fail. So start expecting them to succeed. If you really want to stay married, get yourself positive. If your hubby is not treating you badly, then you need to decide why you are not content. You may be finding fault with everything he does, without even realizing that you are doing it.

In many cases I think that as women we have been convinced that all men are jerks, they only want one thing from us and they want to suppress us. We get caught up in thinking that way, sometimes, without even realizing that is what we are doing. I know many men who are wonderful guys and treat women with respect and kindness. But I find myself getting caught in that trap of thinking men are out to hurt me.

Here is what I have done to get past that. First off you should know that I am divorced- but that is because my ex was making choices that were not good. This was one situation where he was the only one who could fix that. However the result is that I have a harder time trusting men. I am currently seeing a man who appears to be a great man. When I first starting doing things with him, I found myself picking at little things and coming up with stupid little reasons why maybe I should not see him anymore. SO I decided, that maybe he was worth getting to know. I decided that I could kill the relationship before anything happened, or I could just embrace it and see what happens. I adopted a sit back an watch policy. I try not to tell him to be what I want- I just let him be himself and do his thing. I listen to the things he says. I watch how he treats me and others. I observe him in other situations and really start to focus on all his good qualities. I decided that I will continue to go out with him until he gives me a good reason to not. Like if he started being abusive or something. I have been really impressed with the results that this new attitude has had. I am really starting to like him and enjoying being around him. I am excited to see what happens. I am also taking it slowly- as hard as that can be. I decided quite some time ago that I do not want to be divorced again. So I take my time and get to know the guys I date.

Now for your marriage- I would start a journal about your hubby. Make this a positive Journal. When you start feeling the way you are, sit down and write down as many positive things about him as you can think of - things you love about him what made you fall in love with him, that sort of stuff. One great way to do this is just by setting a goal- every day for a week you will write down five good things about him. But you can't duplicate things you have already written. This will help you change your attitude. But don't try to come up with anything elaborate- start with simple things like " I love how he mows the lawn so that I don't have to." Then when he comes home from work, or before you go to bed tell him one of the things that you wrote down- "I appreciate how you go out an mow the lawn so that I don't have to". Don't tell him about the Journal, don't tell him that you wrote that down- just thank him for being such a wonderful man. Doing this does not degrade either of you and won't hurt anything. It will just help you to see how much you love and appreciate him.

I believe that most marriages can be saved. Good luck. I hope all works out for you.