Should a husband support his wife when there are problems involving the kids?

Question

All 3 of our kids are adults. 2 still live with us, 1 has a wife and child. I expect a certain level of respect regarding this home and myself. No matter what the issue is, my husband tends to side with the "children", can always see "their side", even though it can be blantly obvious that they are acting outside of the realm of acceptable. I'm talking things like not even rinsing out dirty dishes, expecting me to have a refrigerator full of food. My kids aren't up front rude, they just don't do anything that they absolutely do not have to do and my husband always has an excuse for them. He thinks I am too hostile and angry and I should just let life take care of itself. His thought is "think pink", "it will all come out in the wash", a real Rodney King type when it comes to the kids.
Do you think he should support me as long as I'm the one picking up the slack as long as I'm not being rude or disrespectful to the kids? Does he need their approval more than mine?

Answer 1

no...i think that he should totally support u...i don't think ur out of line at all to ask them to help out...honestly...i think that they should do it anyways out of respect for u...unfortunately...sounds like they have come to expect this from u...might take time to make them understand...might have to use some passive ways to get the results u want...like don't do dishes or something...just so that they see how much u do around their...but remember, it is ur house, u r the mother...they should respect that, no matter how old they are...if they can't, then they shouldn't be there...sorry to say...good luck....

Answer 2

From his perspective, you should relax and not be so uptight about things being in order around the house. However, you feel that there needs to be order in the house, and it's ridiculous that people cannot pick up after themselves. How can you not get a little cranky when you've asked someone to do something a million times, yet it doesn't get done (can you tell I've been there?) ? :) My recommendation is to have a one-off discussion with your husband and let him know that you need the family to work more like a "team" as far as keeping the "machine", a/k/a household, running smoothly. It is critical to your happiness and well-being, and you would appreciate his support. Things don't have to be "perfect", but realistically, people need to pick up after themselves. Then, have a family meeting with everyone, and very calmly and pleasantly, lay out your expectations (basically, to pick up after themselves) of what you need them to do in order to continue with the current living arrangement. Not so much an "ultimatum", but a little more softer, and more palatable so it doesn't make them defensive. Now, if that doesn't work, or it works for a while, and then they slack off, don't start doing it for them. Bite your tongue, write up a "to-do" list of things they need to do before end-of-day, and walk away. This prevents you from coming off too hostile or angry. I have had huge success with this with my husband. :) Now, there may be those that say you shouldn't even have to write a list...baby steps, people...It is clear that your husband enjoys having his kids around, so this is just a little compromising on your part to ensure everyone, including you, is happy. Good luck!

Answer 3

I think the problem with a lot of other peoples responses is that the kids, and your husband are not the only ones who suffer if you leave them to do all the work. If you do what these answers say, you'll have no food, clothes everywhere, and a husband and kids who'll feel right at home. People don't change over night, no matter what anyone says. It takes time for people to realize when they are taking advantage of you.

You have every right to be bitter, upset and annoyed. I think that your husband really leads the gang when he stands up for them, and disagrees with you. People have different parenting styles but you would think if your children are grown up, you would have worked these out years ago.

The good cop/bad cop routine only works if both parties are playing the game. How embarrassing must it be to have your husband side with your children over things that are there responsibility. So, how do we fix this?

If talking to your husband doesn't help, show them. I'm not saying let your house turn into a barn. I'm saying the little things you might do for them, DON'T. Cook/clean/do laundry...for yourself, but step it up a bit. When there rooms, clothes and persons are at there worst, invite people over. No one wants to look like a slob.

The most important part is that they understand how you feel, and don't just do things just for the sake of doing them. It's important for you to be able to share how you feel without repercussions. Talk to them throughout, they won't like how it feels havng to take orders, clean up and wash there clothes.

Good Luck.

Answer 4

In front of the kids you both should have a united front, your children have successfully divided and conquered.

They are grown, are they paying for room and board? Are they in college? If you don't want 40 year olds living with you, it is time to act.

You and your husband need to get counseling to work things out. You both can disagree privately, but not in front of the kids.

Also, stop being the martyr and doormat - DO NOT PICK UP AFTER THEM. Let the house go and do not do anything outside of picking up after yourself. If the kids favorite foods are not in the house, have them shop and pay for it. You are enabling the kids not to pick up and pay their fair share - this needs to stop today.

Tough love is the answer and get marriage counseling.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You absolutely deserve his respect, and he should not have to think twice about giving it. My first thought is if the kids are adults, they should be helping with utilties/food etc...and cleaning after themselves is a no brainer. Are they on the selfish side? I mean that in a respectful way =) Do they come after their dad on that? I would seriously lay down the law to the kids AND your husband. Say what you mean, and mean want you say. If your husband thinks this behavior is ok, let him be the one to clean up after them, you know? Things like that. But you may have to turn into the Queen Bee and there's nothing wrong with that. It's YOUR house and your husband's.

Answer 6

I think what your husband thinks is not important, I think setting up the rules and expectations at your house for your adult children is what is important. You raised em , they can be self responsable , and if not , hey get out. You have worked long and hard raising them , but we are way beyond picking up after them anymore. Let them know what you expect. Hubby probably agrees with them b/c you do everything for him too. Live a little for you, you've earned it.

Answer 7

Try moving into a smaller house. If they are adults then let them fend for themselves. Its cruel but is it worth causing problems with your husband over it. If anything he needs to be allot more supportive of you.

Answer 8

iv been sat here trying to put myself in your position,,,adult kids treating my home as their own which lets face it at their age it shouldnt be and i rather think i would just down tools simply because if i did they would have to fend for themselves as they would if they lived in their own houses,,you have been a good mum i think but maybe a tad too good and now it has backfired because the novelty has worn off and your time is still not your own,,,the kids know your husband is a push over and it must be great for them when he takes their side but what if you did down tools,,would he want to wash dishes not his own,,cook but not for him,,wash their underwear? maybe not. try taking time out for you because you deserve it and no one can begrudge you that time,,do as you would be doing if they did live away from home and if it all gets on top,,tell them 'yes',,,you are messy are you not?' it may be time for a little encouragement for them to fly the nest and live as they wish,,messy or probably not.

Answer 9

He's too worried about being the good guy. Let him pick up the slack and if he should ever say anything about it, tell him to "think pink."

Answer 10

Tell him to "think pink" while HE is doing laundry, the dishes, etc...why do YOU have to do it? Let him and see how peachy everything looks to him then! You'll see those "kids" out the door in less than a day.