If the ritual doesn't mean anything to us, why is being legally and living together different?

Question

I cannot possibly understand how it could be difference except maybe we'll have new appliances! The commitment is absolutely there, so it's not a 'you can just walk out' no, we can't. We made a commitment.

The ritual and public vows are just a symbolic thing that we're doing for our families who are tradional and can't get past their religious ideas and think that we're getting married in the eyes of god or some other bull **** and of course the party. We're in this 'til death whether it's made legal or not.

It makes no sense. Weddings are not magical, there is no supernatural force behind the vows and the psychology of it only works when you believe that the paper means anything or that divorce is an option! Hell, in our country it doesn't even mean tax, legal (like in the instance of a partners illness or death) or insurance benefits (we can get that living together and besides living together is traditional even biblical for some biblical cultures). Explain yourselves!

My relationship isn't about sex. Sex is a simple part of it. Why would you assume that I would think life and relationships are just about sex because I don't think the ritual is meaningful?

Did I not say my commitment was real?

Answer 1

I thought the same thing exactly.
Then I got married.

I don't think I changed much, but it is totally different. I think the guys modify their behavior more, but I can't say for sure.

Plus side: Gives a certain extra weight to it. The weirdest part is how differently *other* people treat you, just for those little words "my husband" or "my wife" - that does have an effect on you, which is surprising.

Downside: sometimes I think people get lazy, since it's harder to just leave if things don't work out.

The weirdest part is addressing the unknown expectations each of you bring about what is involved in marriage (rights & responsibilities). No matter how much you discuss this ahead of time, in practice it is subtly but very different.

Marriage I'd say is not dead. Weddings, however, are another story...

Answer 2

No, weddings aren't "magical". Marriage doesn't have the power to make a bad relationship good, or vice versa (as much as some would like to disagree). But marriage is a social construct, like it or not. The society doesn't do well with ambiguity; legal marriage makes a certain social statement right off the bat that simply "living together" doesn't make. If it isn't a "big deal" for you, then it shouldn't cause you grief to go through a simple legal procedure for the sake of keeping peace, in your case, with your family. Judging from the way you worded your question, however, it seems to me that you place a certain amount of significance into the fact of whether you're "married" or not. So, it's not a big stretch to imagine that other people also see it as a significant fact, although in a different way than you do. Your reasoning is completely logical - there is no supernatural force in the vows, there is no magic. But there is more to the concept of "marriage" than just the practical logical considerations. No social concept will make sense if it's taken out of context. If you two are on the deserted island, it won't matter if you're "married" or not - hell, for that matter, a suitcase full of $100 bills will mean nothing if you are stuck on this island for life. The abstractions only acquire meaning when they are considered in a proper context; imagine what you can do with a suitcase full of money if you had it this moment. I feel that marriage is somewhat of the same thing; if it matters to people around us - and it does - then, whether we want it or not, it will matter to us, it will affect us. It has no bearing on your committment to each other - but I think you will find that, socially, it makes a difference between introducing someone as your "partner" and your "husband/wife". I think, you probably have already noticed that it has made your life easier where your family is concerned; so there are certain benefits to it, even if it's simply making other people content. Don't take it too personally - as you have astutely noted, a piece of paper will not make a difference for your committment to each other; and if you can appease the important people in your life without doing harm to yourself, it's a good thing.

Answer 3

You two do what you want to do. You are already committed to each other.

The "legal" is just so you each get a legal say in the other's life (like life-support in the hospital, burial, medical insurance, paying for kids, pensions). So it is good for those reasons, because anything can happen that could cause medical problems down the road.

The "religious" part is only if you want/need it. Personally, I re-wrote my vows to take out all the parts I didn't like - including the words "marriage", "obey", "husband", "wife", and stuff like that. I put in "union of two lives" and "companions for life".

I suggest this: Elope. Get married by a justice of the peace. Tell the folks if they promise not to bug you about how you arranged your life, you'll let them have a big old "wedding reception" get-together for you.

Answer 4

How very sad for you. Yes you're right, it's just a ceremony. Yes you can walk out any time you want w/o any provocation at all and do so w/o any legal ramifications.

I hope one day you will wake up and realize there's more to life than just sex, sex, sex.

Marriage is not only ordained but it is an institution, an real and tangable COMMITTMENT between two people to spend the rest of their lives together.
It's only painful for some people when they want to just leave w/o trying to work things out. Marriage is hard work. I can't just leave and nothing happen.
I think that is the difference as far as I'm concerned.

Answer 5

good for you ! not all people believe in the marrage game . if your family insists you get married then find someone who can perform the services for you ( not in a church ) . I recomend an outdoor fake wedding that you and your intended will both enjoy . turn it into something special with a party after for all to enjoy . it`s your day not thiers so do what makes you happy . I`m planning mine right now and don`t give a dam who who likes it .

Answer 6

Why do we have to explain ourselves? You are getting married. Welcome to the club -- we marrieds will tell you why we wanted you here AFTER you join! ::evil chuckle::