ok. so i am 23, and have two kids, yougest is under 1, my partner was an alcholic and very violent he is currently in prison for what he has done to me and is due to be let out he has been writing to me stating that he is a changed man and has been getting help while in prison, and wants to be a family with me and the kids, i still love this man and wont to work things outhe can be really sweet when sober should i give him the benifit of the doubt and let him come home or just cut my losses
2007-04-13 02:21:55 · 23 answers · asked by Lets Talk 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, on this one, you have to name the problem to claim it in order to fix it...alcoholic. I would say it's time to cut your losses. He's got prison on his record now, which is permanent, he may not be able to find a decent job again. Secondly, if he's been abusive to you before, he will be again, and you and your kids don't deserve that. If he's nice only when's sober, that's not a good sign. I know of others who've been abusive through alcohol, the pattern doesn't change. While he's in prison, you want to consider getting your ducks in a row to move on with your life. That means moving, finding a job (if you don't have one now) new bank accounts in a different bank than your current accounts, on current utilities, if you can, if both of your names are on them, see if your name can be removed like cable, phone, power etc..trash maybe, they normally will work with you, it's credit card companys you can't do this with. I'm just helping you think, I've done this before =) Best Wishes!
2007-04-13 02:31:55 · answer #1 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It is possible that he has changed - if he has stopped drinking!! However, DO NOT just take his word for it!!!! You shouldn't allow him to move back in with you for at least a year! Make him prove himself. He needs to continue going to AA or some other form of alcohol counceling. If, after a year, you have seen the changes in him, then consider being a family again. You have to watch out for yourself and your children. One thing that abusers and addicts do better than anyone is LIE!! You have no reason to believe anything he is telling you! If he has truly changed, he will be understanding and respectful of your wishes! During that year, you can spend time with him - date, let him come over and see the kids, etc..... But, you should really try to keep the physical part out of it until you KNOW he has changed!!! I'm sure you could use that year to think things through also. Use that time to better yourself!
Whatever you decide to do...PLEASE be careful!!!
2007-04-13 11:12:32 · answer #2 · answered by Kailey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Close the chapter of that book unless you want us to be reading about you in the paper.Violent people usually do not change and he will always have an excuse why he did it again.You saide or did something He will apoligize a thousand times while you are looking at him throug those two black eyes Or maybe he will throw you i nto a wall and watch you crawl on the floor Saying oh iam sorry I will never do it again I am so sorry Move do not leave a forwarding adress and start a fresh life Get counseling for the abuse you have already endured get counseling for your children And stop the cycle of abuse
2007-04-13 09:45:28 · answer #3 · answered by chameleon 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cut your losses. BUT do we?? Most women go back as the devil we know is better than no devil at all hey!! BUT I am speaking from experience and no I haven't left yet and I am in my 50's but my children grew up and left and have no respect for me because I stayed. My husband is not violent physically to me. Very abusive and nasty. If physical I would have left, perhaps it would have been better if he was and I would still have the love and respect of my children. I stayed for the children so they would have a father and I was broke and scared to stand up and be a woman. Now they do not forgive me for putting them through the misery of life with such a man - SO for your children's sake as well as your own LEAVE. Move on!! Ask for help and get it!! Make something of your life. Doesn't matter if you love him. If he loved himself he could love you BUT he doesnt love himself and therefore he can never love you with respect and consideration. Maybe in the future there is some hope for both of you. Just because you leave doesn't mean there can be no maybe. It's up to him to find his life. He should be spending the booze money on his children and wife. When he comes home who washes his dirty underpants - if it is you then time he did his own dirty washing. Why is he so angry. Is he just showing off throwing childish tantrums because he wants things his own way, or is he a bully because he wants things his own way. Sad but his problem not yours. He has to mend his life and you have a responsibility to your children to make sure theirs is not broken.
2007-04-13 09:37:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The lilbg has the right idea.
Have him establish himself in an apartment, get a job and stay dry for a while.
Date and let him visit the kids.
Make sure there is a change before you let him back.
He needs to show he has changed before you let him back in.
2007-04-13 09:34:48 · answer #5 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I lived in abusive marriage for 10 yrs,i can honestly say do not let him come home!i married this man when i was 16,and didnt have the courage to leave,partly bc of our 2 kids,but if kids are involved you have to do whats beat for them!he will say hell change but 99 percent of the time they dont.i strongly encourage you to cut your losses now!its not much of a loss if you really think about it!
2007-04-13 09:29:48 · answer #6 · answered by scooter_ gal 1 · 3⤊ 1⤋
hi... sorry to hear you and your family had to go through all of this.
if it were me, i would let him know that after he is out of jail and continues with his treatment (Alcoholics Anonymous and perhaps continued counseling for the violence issues), i would consider getting back together after he's proven he can control himself. i'd let him know i do love him, but need to regain trust in him, and want to be sure he is sincere about his recovery.
i'd wait 6 months to a year. people don't change overnight.
i think that would be a good way to take care of me in that situation... and i do believe it would be difficult.
i hope this works out for YOU.
2007-04-13 09:41:38 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. Absolutely no. You're children cannot be raised in a home where the father treats the mother in such a way. It teaches them that that behavior is acceptable. Protect yourself, protect them. How many times did he tell you he'd never do it again before he went to jail for what he did to you? How many more times are you willing to take the hurt?
2007-04-13 09:28:48 · answer #8 · answered by Roma 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Why dont you do this.....
Stay in the middle field here.
PUT your guard up, think with your head for once and not your heart.
it does not have to be one way or the other.
Make him prove to you, without being ina relationship.
Tell him he gets one ONE chance. The first time he screws up hes out.
Also push him to AA and maybe church>? If this man is a selfish man he wont go, and he wont change. If he takes the chance to change and goes, work with it from there.
Good luck
2007-04-13 09:26:13 · answer #9 · answered by baby_rost 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If you've lived without him for some time, while he's been in prison, then the hardest part of leaving him should be behind you. Since when has anyone come out of jail a better person than they went in??? Of course he'll promise you the world, but for your kids sake, stay strong, and stay single.
2007-04-13 09:27:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋