Having trouble moving on after husband left can anyone give me some advice???

Question

It may sound silly but it's been 4 yrs since me and my husband or shall I say ex husband seperated and divorced. But I still find myself hurt and depressed sometimes and having a really hard time moving on. We decided to remain friends but don't have all that much contact due to me getting upset if I see him. I don't date .. well I don't know how to get out there really . I just always find myself thinking of him some days I even just sit and cry ... HELP

I am not pouting and if I wanted to just got out and have sex then I would hit a bar....

well I guess I should have stated what happend .. we were married for 13 yrs I thought a good marrage but one day he kinda blind sided me with the old " It's not you it's me" thing and wanted to seperate... but still stated that maybe someday we would get back together .. we were seperated for 2 yrs before I asked for a divorce thinking it would help me to move on due to the fact that yes I do take marriage seriously and would not date while I was married even tho we did not live under the same roof. This is why I am asking for advice I just can't seem to shake it I spend most of my time alone but don't know how to get out of the funk so to speak

Answer 1

Your issue doesn't sound silly. Grieving a loss is grieving a loss. I would ask though, why give your power to feel okay about yourself and your life away to another person?

Your marriage ended, you didn't. If your ex husband made mistakes, forgive him and free yourself from the resentment. It's his loss. If you made mistakes, learn from them, forgive yourself, and learn to participate in your life again.

If you made a bad choice of mates, learn how to do a better job picking next time. A good book of self discovery is written by Dr. Susan Forward. It is called: "Men Who Hate Women, and The Women Who Love Them". Don't be turned off by the title, the book is actually more about how women make bad choices in relationships, and how to learn to make good choices.

I would also suggest you might want to take a look at your self-esteem. When we DEPEND on another person for our good feelings about ourself or our life, we are giving away a very precious power. The power to believe the truth about ourselves. You are okay, you're human, and you think, feel, have emotions, can make decisions, etc.

It is okay to love yourself. Besides, who knows you better than the lady who looks back from the mirror every morning.

Be gentle with yourself, and if you do want to date again, start slow and easy. If a man wants to rush things, maybe he isn't the right one for you. Learn how to be friends with yourself, and you will be able to be friends with men. As well as know who the safe ones are to be friends with.

Along with the book, if you want to work on some self esteem issues feel free to visit my website -- it's free and has some helpful suggestions.

http://my-counseling-site.com/self-esteem.html

The past is the past, and the future is the future. You are alive in the now. Become your best friend, and you will take the best care of you that you know how.

I sincerely wish you the best.

Answer 2

Counseling and/or getting out there. Meeting new people, especially men, will do a world of good for you. If you "don't know" how to get out there ask your friends for help or try harder - it's important that you do something other than letting thoughts of him torture you.

Don't let anyone tell you you're not getting over it fast enough, or not having enough casual sex with strangers (?!?). You seem to be one of the few that take marriage seriously anymore... it was never supposed to end (until one dies anyway) so if divorce happens it's truly devastating. Pick up the pieces and move on at your own pace, but you actually have to try & make that effort if it's going to happen.

Answer 3

Well you do not say what the break up was over--but it is never a one sided deal..it takes two to make a marriage work and two to ruin it. No matter what, it is over. Are you fighting with a guilt issue?? Are you blaming him?? No matter what--these are issues that are in the past. Yesterday is gone--tomorrow is a mystery---today is what you should be making the most of. You sitting for 4 years should be a real indicator as to the uselessness of caring for a past relationship. there are more than one man in the world--get out and meet one. Is your self esteem gone?? Why?? As an individual, you have a lot to offer a man---just make an attempt to decide what kind of man will make you happy--then go out and find one. Sitting around pondering the past is time wasted--and you know that !!You have some twisted notion that this torture is what you need--hey, I have news for you--you don't need it. Your split up was for one of a million reasons---I don't know what happened. But I know you should be out and acting as a human being, functioning in an adult world. You should be older and wiser now--so get going---smile, have fun and good luck

Answer 4

Your husband can't be all that bad when he has agreed to raise your child as his own even if it isn't his. Possibly in his mind, you're even now - you've both cheated and your affair was worse though because you fell in love with the guy. You're both as bad as each other. Perhaps this baby could mark a fresh start for you both - cut your abusive lover loose and have a romantic holiday with your husband - get to know each other all over again and you'll have a better idea if things will work out between you. Maybe you guys just aren't meant to be, but give it one last chance.

Answer 5

I feel your pain!! It took me ten years to "move on" after my husband of 17 years left me for a younger woman. . I was so in love with my ex that no one else ever measured up to him. I was also always comparing because he had so many good qualities and was so talented, competent, intelligent, and successful. The thing that helped me most was to leave the house we built together and buy another one; just for me this time! I decorated it just for me; all feminine and lovely. It was then that I began to heal and then guess what? I met my present husband and discovered that there really is "life after divorce". We have been very happily married for 17 years now and are still happy. Sadly the woman my husband left me for committed suicide after 14 years of marriage to him and he died four years later of a broken heart that was full of regrets (he wanted me back after he left but it was too late; too much water under the bridge so to speak and also there was this huge trust issue). Do you go to church? There are usually single groups in churches that you could meet single men and women at and make new friends and who knows what will happen?? May God bless you with a peace that passes all understanding and send you a very special person as He did me. Good luck. Don't let life pass you by. There's happiness out there for you but you have to go after it. Just be careful and be "choosy". Ask God to send you the perfect man for you. And it's my guess that He will! God bless....

Answer 6

well i dont know how to advise u because i only been divorced a little less than year .and i think im just now coming out of the whole denial phase and realizing that its reall over. so i guess i hope im not feeling the same as you are in four years. but al i can say is mabye if u get a new guy then u will fill that hole and maybe find happiness again?

Answer 7

I'm two years out of a four year relationship that broke up. I think it's always painful and depressing, although it gets bettter over time. I completely cut my ex out of my life, despite her wanting to be friends, as well as our mutual friends.

It may sound extreme but it really upset me to see or hear about her. I moved somewhere new, made new friends and tried new things. My advice: just do things, speed date, go on holiday, pick up a new hobby like salsa, art classes, or sports... as you do new things friends and relationships follow.

And eventually down the line, you may actually be able to be friends with him again.
xx

Answer 8

You need counseling. You might be able to get it cheaply (if that's a concern) through a local college or nonprofit organization. If you can't get counseling, you need to work on your thoughts. When you think of him, change your thoughts. Think of something else. Take a class, meet new people, learn something new. Stop dwelling on it. Gone is gone. You can also try volunteer work, it might help you get out and see that other people have other problems.

Answer 9

Friends after marriage?????... We are kidding ourselves ONLY. This can ONLY happen if both find their own partner later on in life.

As for now you do not have anyone, it is best not to see each other or contact each other at ALL.... After some time he will fade away .. and you will be better off. You will be able to standup and accept other relationship that comes along. As for right now..... you are sub-conciously emitting VIBES that telling men...you are NOT available..Don't come disturb me.... I already have someone in mind....

So MOVE ON... and take good care of your self..

Answer 10

Look for a support group in your city or neighborhood.