Is jumping into marriage right now a bad mistake i'll regret later on in life?

Question

Yes; I realize i'm a guy, and guys have the stereotype of being afraid of marriage. I'm going out with someone now for 2 years. We are working in similar fields, but not at the same company. I'm 28, an Attorney & a CPA, still have $63,000 in student loans & $600,000 loan for my house. I'm quite financially independent, but think marriage would be a risky move right now, while i'm still getting started. I really love my girlfriend, but I know she's also getting testy, waiting for me to propose and take things to the next level. I just don't know. What if we're not financially compatible? (Different spending/saving habits) What if she starts to hate the fact that I make more money than she does? What if she has a problem investing in Real Estate to secure a better future for us and out family? What if I really am too young to get married? I know it's mean to say, but there are alot of other women who I reject all the time, do married men ever have such regrets later on in life? Women???

I only work 4 days a week, and 3 of those days, I work from home. It gives me alot of flexability. We've obviously grown to know alot about eachother, but things change, people change. I just want to know what both men and women have to say about this. Finances are only a small thing to consider, but nevertheless, there to consider. I really love her, and things are great; but the truth is, I've seen this story play out too often in court where people are just not happy after a while, or they just made a big mistake. I just want to hear some things that both men and women regret after marriage, and why or why not it's not a bad idea to go ahead with asking the big question.

Thanks in advance for all you comments and advice.

Answer 1

Look. There are going to be times in any relationship where you love the person to death and would do anything to see them happy. Then, there are going to be times when you hate the person to death and you pay any price to see them dead.

That's the way things are, that's how most relationships are, and I think the people who get divorced are those which think that they can find some other relationship which works differently. If both people are not willing to cope and work through the hard times, then the relationship will fall pretty quickly, because bad times are always on their way.

Believe me, just when something good happens, it's like i'm in the eye of the storm. All of a sudden, some dumb argument comes up about the remote and how I never care about things around the house.. you name it, we've fought over it.

If you ask me to go into your shoes, be 28 again, and in your situation, i'd lay off marriage until I was around 33. If you think about it, it's not too far off. Then again, I would be with a different girl every 3 months if I was an Attorney and a CPA, but that's an other story.

The reality is, I can tell you love her, because if you were thinking with you head 100%, you wouldn't even be asking this question. You have so many outstanding liabilities you need to work to pay off, how much is left after taxes for you to live with? Even if it's a good amount, your lifestyle will change alot if either your own or her own parents don't agree to help with the cost of the wedding, or the ring!!! What about the honeymoon? You know more than anyone else that it doesn't make financial sense.

But you still asked the question anyway. So we can all tell you love her. I think you're mentally ready for marriage. It says alot about your character to be able to take on a new home at such a young age and fresh out of school. The issue is if you are both ready for eachother. Nobody here on Yahoo can answer that for you. Only you and her have to see if you are really ready. As for regrets.

There will always be women out there which are better looking, dress sexier, seem nicer.. but guess what, so did your wife at one point in time, which is why you married her. Guess what, after some time, these women will end up the same way. The same can be said about women and men they find more attractive while they are married. It's a result of being with the same person for a long time.

The most important thing is being 100% sure that you can wake up next to her each day and not thing to yourself "omg! what was I thinking when I agreed to be stuck next to this thing every living day of my life?". Make sure you're not only financially compatible but also, Sexually, Morally, ect..

For everything else, you're a lawyer, you know how to structure a fair prenup for both of you. But there are things a prenup can't protect against, like emotions, family issues ext.. There is no right and wrong age for marriage, you're ready when you're ready and that's all there is to it.

Answer 2

you're not necessarily too young to get married but maybe you're still not ready. if you really love her and you've been dating for two years, then you should be thinking about considering marriage. this involves having conversations about values and goals for your careers and family and life in general. before you can propose, you need to take your relationship to the next level by getting to know each other better. you should have the answers to the things you're unsure of through simple communication. after you understand how good of a match you are, then you can consider a proposal.
marriage is about comprimise, so if you have different habits now, find a way to agree. as an attorney, you should be familiar with this. my intuition says that if you're "having doubts" over things that are as simple as what you mentioned, you just don't want to marry her yet.

Answer 3

You shouldn't propose just because she wants you to. The best way to find out if you're on wildly different pages is to sit down and have actual conversations with her about it. What if she does have a problem with investing in property? Talk about it before you make that step! Here is a pretty good little test that you two can do.

http://www.eklhad.net/m-test.html

Take two or three questions a day and each of you write out your answers in detail (writing them out makes it so one of you can't change your answers to what the other wants to hear) until they're all done, and then share your answers together over coffee or brunch. You can find out if you are compatible.

She may be having some of the same worries. You will never know until you come together and discuss it.

Answer 4

It sounds like youre already married to your career and money. If youre this unsure about what you should do then forget getting married to a real person. You need to quit living your life with "what ifs", take some chances and start really living your life. Life is a beautiful journey, full of chances and choices and unsurities and doesnt last forever so get moving and enjoy life. Live for today for "what if" tomorrow doesnt come. Understand? Also forget the stereotype thing as this could be anyone. Good luck

Answer 5

My son is a CFA and his life has been centered on things financial. Being a CPA and an Attorney, I would guess you have the " bean counter" mentality along with lawyer issues.Bean counters are always trying to compartmentalize values/cost etc. Lawyers are usually doing kind of the same thing with risk/reward on a legal level. Your concerns seem almost all financial which is REALLY bean counter. I'm not knocking it and my son does kind of the same thing like: cost of date verses value etc. Life is not a business or contract deal. If you love each other and look at this like it is for life, then marry her.If you wait until you can really afford everything, you'll never marry.That aside, there's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative.

Answer 6

Why don't you sit down and talk to her about all of this? What you want for your future, and ask her what she wants. If you disagree, see if you can come to a compromise. Marriage is all about communication and compromise, so you better start learning how to do it now. And, you should have all of this discussed before you propose so that you don't have to work it out afterwards, when you're married and the only option if you are incompatible is divorce.

Most of all, stop worrying about the money part of it. What will you do if you lose all of your money somehow? All you'll have left is love, and that's what marriage should be built on anyway.

Answer 7

It is imperative that you find out the answers to these questions. Honestly, you should know the answers already, if you've been with her for 2 years. You two could be a really great team together but you need to stop agonizing over the finances. Ask her about her spending habits. Ask her how she feels about investing. Ask her about having children. Religion, child rearing, & her commitment to living Happily ever after.

Answer 8

Put the finances aside for a moment, if all things were equal between both of you, would be interested in marrying her now?

If yes, then it is worthwhile talking to her about future plans. What you would like to do with your lives together and how you see the pair of you getting there.

Keep asking for her input and see if she understands what you wish to achieve and if she too has similar goals. Do it step by step and don't allow one to simply say yes to everything the other says.

Answer 9

hi angelo r,
ur confused. ur mature and secure enough to think about right and wrong. but dont look at marriage as it is a disaster. if it is so nobody ever have married or not so many marriages have been taken place every year. had ur dad thought like this then? take ur g/f in confidence. tell what u feel about ur future. there are no ifs and buts. it is high time that u should think about marriage. enjoy the life!

Answer 10

I don't think you should get married. For the simple fact that you are treating it as a business merger. I'm sorry its harsh, but there is no other way around it. Since we are speaking figuratively rather than literally here are some more things for you to think about. What if one of you gets cancer? What if you find that one or both of you are sterile and cannot have children? What if you get prostate cancer and are unable to form an erection and she decides you aren't worth it? What if you lost your job tomorrow and instead of sticking by you she left? Seriously **** happens, and it always seems to happen more to good people. But while we are on our lists of what ifs I do have two more for you. What if she is only thinking of you in terms of money as you are thinking of her? What if she sees this and it breaks her heart and she makes the decision for you?