Is it me or is my wife not willing to change?

Question

My wife has been having emotional to almost full blown sexual affairs in the past couple of months. She has been having an emotional affair with a person at her work who has suggested that she divorce me. It seems she has a deeper connection with the person then I do. She also had been initiated erotic chat with other men on the internet. I have gone to extreme measures to discover everything monitoring her email, keyboard loggers, etc. She agreed to stop her online relationships but refuses to break any contact with her coworker friend. Since then we have gone to counseling to try and make our marriage work, but I sill feel something is going on. I have found myspace accounts with pictures of her hugging and getting really friendly with her coworker and she still has secret email addresses. She also continues to get several text messages from this coworker all of the time. We are currently going to counseling, but I still feel like something is going on. Help?

The counselor has suggested not given her an ultimatum. She is going to do what she is going to do. The one problem I have with divorce is the four children we have between ages two and seven.

All details mentioned above where discussed in our counselling sessions.

Answer 1

Dude, you are dealing with a women. She doesnt care what you think, feel, etc. She doesnt care if she is wrong, for she will not see it and certainly wont admit it to herself.

She has cheated on you. Leave her butt.

No, she isnt going to change. No she isnt going to stop. A womans feelings and emotions are the engine that drive them. Havent you figured that out by now? How do you think most guys get women at work. By talking, listening and being the sounding board. Women eat that crap up. They want that, need that and fall in love with the guy who gives them that stuff.

Forget the counseling. Get a good lawyer. Dont kid yourself buddy. No amount of hoping or wishing or trying on your part can make her care or do right. Accept that now. God himself could look at a woman and tell them they are wrong and the woman would simply blow him off or ask who he is to tell her how to feel.

Answer 2

You are in a good situation because you are currently going to counseling. I have a feeling you somehow privy to these clues that you are listing here but you aren't discussing them in your counseling sessions. The counselor/therapist must have some ideas by now about what is going on between you two - why are you afraid to bring these things up? The only thing that seems a red flag to me is the fact taht she continues to get text messages from him. I have had coworkers that I've been friends with - and no more than friends - who have given me advice like 'dump the guy' when I was in a relationship that wasn't working well. But they were fairly flippant when they said it. That coupled with your wife's hugs in myspace don't add up to much. The secret e-mail accounts may just be multiple e-mail accounts that a lot of people have. I have a few but they aren't really secret. They are just multiple accounts. You would have to explain to the therapist why you thought the accounts were secret, just because e-mail is by nature private. You don't have your wife's e-maill account password and she shouldn't have to give you that. I know many people who have gmail, hotmail, yahoo and AOL e-mail accounts. Or even several yahoo e-mail accounts.
So after all that, really the only thing that would bother me would be the text messages from the coworker. Ultimately you have to trust your wife or else you will always be aware of any man who tries to get in touch with her outside of work. She may be unwilling to cut ties with this coworker because she likes him. But that doesn't mean she loves him. It's going to take a lot to make you feel secure about her - or anybody who does anything that doesn't make you feel secure, perfectly secure, and that includes any future wives you have if this marriage falls apart. Yes, there are women who never give you cause to doubt them and they are very careful to never do the things you describe. But they also can cheat - and ultimately you can only love and be loved back and take your chances. You can't control other people or your future. Wish you could. Wish I could!

Answer 3

She has to want to stop this behavior, and she has to see this as a problem to change. Give her an ultimatum. She needs to be scared since she hasn't stopped this behavior. How long has this been going on? This is ridiculous. Talk about being disrespectful to your husband, yourself, and her marriage. You need to do something now before something major happens again.

Ok since you don't think an ultimatum will work, either let this go on, or else be a man and put your foot down! Tell her you're not going to put up with this crap and it's time that she stop and start acting like a decent wife instead of a shi**y one. Be a man and stand up to her! Never let a woman run your life.

Answer 4

Just print up some of the emails and stop by your wife's office and hand them to her boss most to all companies have rules on relationships between employee's. Also you could stop off at her parents house and drop a few off and maybe some close friends see how she handles that. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder then words. Your marriage councilor sounds like an idiot. If all else fails divorce her and seek custody of the children and get child support from her

Answer 5

You sound like a good person who really loves your family. I know you're very concerned about your kids, so you don't want to just break up your marriage to thier mother. Unfortunately, for your own and thier emotional well-being, you can't accept any more of this behavior from her. Trust your instincts, if you feel that there is still stuff going on, there most likely is. Now you just have to decide what you are willing to put up with, and only you can determine that. I hope everything works out okay for you and your family.

Answer 6

THIS IS A TOUGH SITUATION. THIS GUY TELLS HER TO GET A DIVORCE, AND SHE TELLS YOU SHE WON'T BREAK AWAY FROM HER CO WORKER FRIEND. WELL, IF HE WAS JUST A "FRIEND", AND ONLY A FRIEND, THEN ASK HER WHY HE WOULD SAY SUCH A THING! SHE SOUNDS VERY SNEAKY AND IT'S NOT RIGHT. WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED YOUR SUPPOSE TO BE HONEST. WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND TELL HER YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STAY IN THIS MARRIAGE IF SHE CONTINUES.. BE STRONG, AND SERIOUS! LET HER KNOW YOU ARE DONE WITH ALL THIS. ASK HER, IF IT WERE THE OTHER WAY ROUND AND YOU WERE DOING THIS TO HER, HOW WOULD SHE FEEL???? ASK HER THAT. I HOPE SHE STOPS AND REALIZES WHAT SHE MIGHT LOSE. I'M SORRY HUN I DO WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK KATHY

Answer 7

She's well on her way to dissolving her marriage with you. You can bring up your concerns with the counselor and maybe you can get to the bottom of it that way but it seems that the coworker has decided that you are a non factor in his quest for your wife. It may be time to cut losses on this if you don't get some concrete changes out of her soon.

Answer 8

Dealt with something like this and the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation at least for a while. It's not you, you are trying to preserve your marriage, but its too the point where you are scanning emails. The trust is breaking between you too. You shouldn't have to be on guard all the time.

Answer 9

Let the councelor know how you feel and your wife also, Let your wife know that it hurts you when this coworker text msg her. I now from personal experience that if you tell the other person that it hurts you and they still do it you have two options. Accept it and go from there or you get out of the situation. If the counciling doesn't work then won't work. It takes two to make it work.

Answer 10

If she stays in contact with this co worker, counselling will not help. It doesn't sound like she wants to change, but is only trying to appear agreeable. I'm sorry, but if she doesn't want to change, she never will. It takes two to make a marriage work and no matter how hard you try, you can't do it all alone.