Can you tell me your opinion please? Is this good?

Question

Hi! I asked this question just yesterday but i put it under marriage and divorce on accident so im moving it here to see if maybe ill get more answers this way...So Im 15 years old and I wrote this poem yesterday and I would like you guys to please tell me what you think about it. Truth would be nice :)I can take criticism.


When I Die Will You Still Love Me?

When I die,
I'll still love you with all my heart,
I'll be looking down on you praying you'll still be happy,
I'll be hoping you still remember the great times we had.
And when I die,
I'll still be thinking about you every minute of every day,
I'll be thinking about whether you still think about me,
I'll be thinking about how much I really meant to you,
But when I die,
Will you still think about me?
Will you remember the days we spent together holding hands and laughing?
Will you still have room for me in your heart?
So when I die,
Will you still love me?

Thanks for everyones comments, the good and the bad. And just so you guys know, no i am not planning on dying or suicide or anything like that, i know a few of you were wondering that.

Answer 1

Very good, keep writing.

Answer 2

I think it's good for a free verse poem.
But, I'm the kind of person that loves a good rhyme.
Anyways...
www.poetry4kids.com
it's a nice webstie with lots of cool poems and it has a rhyming dictionary if u want to write a rhyming poem.
Keep Writing. And don't throw anything away! lol. When ur 40 or something u will love to look back on ur work! :)

Answer 3

Yeah, it's cool. You have talent. Check out a German poet called Rilke. You can often find translations of his stuff.

If you want to make some $$ from your poems, learn the guitar and put them to music :-)

Don't be concerned about the negative comments. The lack of imagery is good. You say just what you want to say. You won't write good poetry by cramming in metaphors for the sake of it. It's like a Zen thing--pare it down to the essentials.

Answer 4

There's a great deal of passion and feeling in this, but alas, it is so typical adolescent poetry, heavy on love and emotion and lacking in metaphors, similes, personification, poetic economy, alliteration, symbols, etc. In short, it would need a lot of work. It's way too wordy and the over-use of I and you makes the whole thing drag on.

Yet, despite all of that, I like the feeling of it, and it could be wonderful. It's a good idea.

Answer 5

Pretty good but I hope you can stay on the positive and your not thinking about doing yourself any harm. There is a number of ways you can look at that sort of poem but it is nice.

Answer 6

That is a very nice poem. Reminds me of the kind of stuff I used to write at your age. Keep writing!

Answer 7

I know I'm not a boy but that is a very good poem!
Keep up the hard work!

Answer 8

Your poem is intense it touched the depth of my soul. I felt your pain, your love, your hope.

I heard the silent music. My deceased wife spoke to me.

Keep writing, we will keep reading.

Answer 9

Cliche and self-asorbed. It lacks mystic or style and doesn't flow well. Try being more abstract or use more metaphors. When I read it no image is created in my mind, except on line 11.

Answer 10

my father just died and it makes me think of him, in a good way. reading that you're 15 makes me a little concerned though. you aren't thinking of anything life changing are you...? its a solid poem. keep expressing!