hit me with your total honesty- all comments welcome... my husband caught me red handed on singlesnet.com?

Question

flirting with some guy and telling him i wanted to hook up for some no strings attached sex. i wouldn't have, but i would have with some other guy if i were attracted to him. the worst part is that i was telling this guy that my husband never wants to have sex and that he can't handle me. which is true, but mean. i love my husband so much, but i've tried so many times to have a real sex life with him that now i don't see him as a sexual being at all. it's like being married to my gay best friend, except i can't paint his nails. i already know what you're gong to say-obviously the marriage is over. but like isaid before- i am welcoming all comments. be as mean or as nice or say whatever the hell you want. i'm just hoping that maybe something i read may inspire to know what to do. thanks!

Answer 1

OK, look, you did a really, really crappy thing, and you know it. Kudos to you, you're willing to own up to that: "red-handed," "flirting," "I would have cheated if..." "worst part is...". But then I see justification for your crappy act: "I've tried to have a real sex life but...". I don't see any determination to change the way things are. I don't see any resolve to work hard at making this a real marriage.

A good marriage requires effort, lots of it, from both partners. You DO need to "give up" some of who you are, and he needs to do the same, so that you can become ONE between you. Whatever you haven't talked to each other about yet, it's past time to get started. Sex is important to a marriage. Sex is obviously an important issue between the two of you. But instead of talking to your hubby about it, you flirted with strangers. You two need to talk seriously about your expectations and his. Maybe it's time for a physical exam for him. Maybe it's time for a counselor.

It's not "obvious" to me that the marriage is over. You strike me also as quite self-centered. I think you may be indulging in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You need to TALK TALK TALK with hubby about your whole marriage, then you need to consider your marriage and YOUR responsibilities for making it a good marriage, all over again. Then you need to talk some more. If you don't feel up to the effort required of you, then you owe your hubby a major, major apology for having wasted this much of his life, his committment and his emotions, and you need to set him free, without further demands from him.

Answer 2

Well, you kind of have to figure out what is important to you. In any relationship, you always have to give up something to get something else. As much as you'd love to have it ALL, it never happens. Even the happiest couples will have *something* they have "given up" to be in the relationship. Happiness is not the matter of what you have or don't have, it's the matter of your attitude towards it. If sex is an extremely important part of your life, it is probably not a good idea to try and settle for a sexless marriage. There's nothing wrong with wanting more sex, or less sex - there's a variety of sex drives across the board most of which are not any more normal or abnormal than others. But if it is something that is important, you are asking for problems if your partner doesn't match you in this regard. I'm sure you already know it. I don't really know what else to say other than figure out what your priorities are, and only give up something you can comfortably live without. Both you and your husband deserve a shot at finding someone compatible; be honest with him and tell him that you need sex in your life. If he's ok with you satisfying your fantasies with someone else, perhaps it would be a good solution; if not, he might choose to leave and look for the right person for him. Just be honest with him and with yourself, and it'll sort itself out eventually.

Answer 3

You need to get couples counseling if you plan to stay in this relationship and have it be the real deal. If your husband just isn't the guy for you and you can't see it working in the long term, then it would be in everyone's interest for you to be straight with him, and procede to separate or what I would recommend is giving couples counseling a shot. If you get out of a relationship, like I did in my first marriage, it feels better to know that you gave the relationship every chance, and it just didn't work out.

We often think that getting into another relationship will solve our problems, when more often than not our problems have something to do with us. Divorce is usually harder on people than they anticipate. If kids are involved it is tough on them to.

You may look more closely at you husband and decide that you do want to be with him. In this case, I would still recommend couples counseling. Whether you've gone ahead and hooked up with someone else, or you were just toying with it, you guys need some help from someone who knows the territory with couples relationships. Google couples counseling and your city name. Ask for a free initial consult and shop around. If the first person you try out doesn't work, try again. It has to be a reasonably good fit.

I think it would be great if you ended up being able to stick with your husband AND have some white hot monkey sex closer to the frequency that you would enjoy it. There may be issues in the way that would free up your husbands inner tiger (or snake). You'd be surprised at just how well couples counseling could work.

BTW I guarantee that there will be lots of answers from people who do not have any vested interest in your well being who will encourage you to cheat. That path very rarely lead to happiness for anyone.

All my best. M

Answer 4

What exactly do you want us to tell you that you don't already know??? I'm not going to be mean but if you're having sexual problems with your husband, maybe it's time to visit a sex therapist to figure out the problem. Of course you also have the trust issues to deal with now that your husband's caught you. That's another thing you will need to work on if you decide to stay in the marriage.

Answer 5

Well sweety, you have already felt the mariage was over or that your sexual yearnings aren't being met, so you went online!

We all make mistakes. IF your sure the marriage is over, why not end it before meeting up with the online guys? That way you won't have to feel slutty or sleezy in your own eyes, and being honest with the hubby will also make you a better person!
Good Luck. BUT remember, there are alot of losers out there online. Full of secrets, lies, and real lousey in bed!!

Answer 6

You fubar'd. No doubt about it.

The bottom line is that if you're unhappy with your sex life, it's not going to get better without some sort of counseling. If you're having problems in your sex life, it's as much your fault as it is your husbands. You've not communicated in a way that is meaningful to him.

Perhaps the two of you have not communicated with one another - and the chemistry just isn't there, and that's fine, but sex life is very important in a marriage because it leads to instances like what you're describing, and those instances destroy the other parts that are foundations to a good marriage - trust to name one...

I could talk on this one for days - and I sympathize with your situation, but then again, I sympathize with his too.

Answer 7

If you already know the marriage is over than why are you dragging it out & hurting a person that you love while you are at it. I understand that people get into relationships & eventually the sex dies down & all's you are left is an incurable need to be desired, but that is no excuse to absolutely ruin someone else because your needs arent being fulfilled. I think the best policy is to treat others the way you would want them to treat you & above all be honest, with yourself & with your husband. It's never fun to be cheated on & you wouldnt want it done to you.

Answer 8

Why don't you see him as a sexual being anymore? Simply lost interest? Why?

I remember losing interest in my son's dad many moons ago. He put the pressure on me, I got the silent treatment. Yeah as tho I'd say ohhhhh I get it now, let's go into the other room. Well no, it really put me off to him even more. I thought I had a problem but I still found other men attractive altho I would've never run off with any of them therefore I guess I didn't have a problem afterall. I never acted on those thoughts and wouldn't even consider it. It was the silent treatment that finally did me in and not some other love interest. So who knows what does it, what makes one lose interest in their mate. I'd say having children is probably the top of the list on that one. Good luck to ya. Linda

Answer 9

Is it that your husband doesn't even try to have sex or that he isn't doing it the way you like?

In any case, it's definitely not a turn on to find your wife online throwing herself at guys like a two dollar Tiajuana hooker--only without the class to charge the two bucks.

One way to redeem yourself is to tell your husband you now realize you are a sex addict and will be checking into a treatment program (hey, it worked for that pedophile congressman and a couple of thousand Catholic priests).

Or you could do penance. Let him spank your bare ***, then actually do housework, cook for him, and let him have control of the remote for a couple of months. And do it naked.

Unless you look heinous, in which case that won't help.

Oh, and you GOTTA put up a link to your profile.

Answer 10

Honestly, do you even care what we have to say? You're disrespecting your husband by referring to him as your gay best friend, but then you say you love him so much. Then you said you would have hooked up with someone if you were attracted to him. Do you value the meaning of marriage at all? If you're that desperate to get into someone else's pants, then do the right thing and let your husband find someone who will respect him and love him for who he is, because you definitely aren't the one.