I've been married to my husband for 1.5 yrs. He has 2 kids w/his ex wife of 4 yrs.?

Question

When we met he'd been divorced for 1.5 yrs. She didn't talk or let the kids talk to my husband until she found out we were dating. She would also txt & email him with nothing relating to the kids. She told him that she only got pregnant & married him to get out of her parent's (they were teenagers). I don't stop him from seeing or talking to his kids. I don't want the kids to grow up hating me. She's constantly harassing me & I say nothing to avoid drama. I know she'll always be there because of their kids but what do I do to let her know that our marriage is not going to end like theirs? That all I want is for her to stay out of our marriage? I wish she would just accept the fact that WE ARE happy. Is she just miserable and pretending to be happy w/her new man? If she doesn't "care" or "love" him why is she interested in our marriage & the things we own. Why does she hate me so much? She says that we are pretending to be happy. I mostly want to hear from ppl who've been through this.

Answer 1

For one, she is young and her mental capabilities have not fully developed. If she was smart, the best thing to do is to try to get along with you, because not only do you spend time with her kids. But it will show the children that "mommy" can deal with conflict in a adult mannerism.

For two, you need to express your concerns to your husband. Reasoning: this is the baggage that he brought to your marriage. And I don't mean that in a mean way but if you are going to be in a relationship (marriage especially) you have to be able to discuss these things. Get his feedback, and let him know that he sets the tone as to how she deals with you.

Let him know, that if he does not help her establish what her boundaries are, then you will!

Also, let him know that he is not to discuss your marriage or anything that goes on in your household with her, period.

Let him know that you are his first line of defense, when it comes down to anything. You are the coach, as well as the referee.

Number 3: You need to have a woman to woman talk with her and let her know, how you are feeling but try to take your personal feelings out of it. Example, tell her that it would be in everyone's best interest, including hers, that we have a functioning relationship. Explain, to her that it makes it things hard on the children as well as confusing when there is conflict. Also, let her know that it is in the best interest of her children to see mommy on her best behavior. It shows them that when a situation is complicated, it does not have to be tumultuous.

Number 4: Children are very smart, they are chameleons ~meaning they adapt to their environment. If you are doing your best as a step mother without prejudges. :-) They will see that, maybe not in the beginning but down the line. They are very perceptive. And unlike adults, they get to the bottom line much faster, rational, and look at things in black in white much better than we do!

Just try not to overdo! You do not have to over compensated to win them over because she may be acting like a dummy.

Number 5: You have to confront her! Again, confrontation is not always a bad thing. Hold your ground, play your position, and put her in her place.

You are his wife, now! That once was her role, yes, but she has to realize that her time was up! And he moved on!

You do not have to rub it in her face because trust me, she is feeling some kid of way. No woman wants to have babies by a man, and not live happily ever after with them. However, the real world ain't like that! S&*^ happens and people grow apart and situations change.

And it may not be a surprise to you but if so, here I go.... She is jealous! Again, it's hard for some of us to face reality that our situation has changed. Her displacement really is with your husband not with you. But somehow, you have become the target, Most likely, because you don't speak on it or stoop to her level.

I am answering this not because I've been through this exact same situation but because I've dealt with a jealous woman. Oddly, enough it was his mother. Try dealing with that! And my child's father has a new woman. And yes the situation changed, but it wasn't her fault because the two of us were long over and done with. I had to have a sit down with her and let her know that I did not have a problem with her because I did not know. However, I take great pride in my child and I would like to know who is in her life. The fact that you are dating her father and the two of you are some what steady, means that my child has to have interactions with you. I do not like my daughter to feel like she has to choose sides. I want her world to be carefree! And I want her to know that even though mommy and daddy are not together. It does not mean that you have to hate the other woman. Because she might teach my child something good that I am unable to. In addition, I did not want my daughter to feel like... "I had a great time with daddy and his girlfriend but I can't tell mommy because she is not going to like that". That is not fair to her. So although, I might have not been to keen on certain aspects surrounding the girl and my daughter's father. I love my child, and it is my job to show her how to deal with conflict and still be the bigger person without sacrificing yourself.

If you ever want to talk... please e-mail me at [e-mail]

God Bless & Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

What does it matter to you what "she says"? I was right where you are, 26 years ago. I was divorced, no kids. I married a terrific man who was divorced, 2 kids. We had a son of our own within 2 years of marriage. His ex-wife was a real (W)itch. She never had a nice word to say about or to anybody. She would call up and demand.....extra money for one thing or another. She would constantly quiz the kids down about what was "going on" over at our house. If we had bought anything new or gone on any trips.....all sorts of things. She was always controlling with the kids, and tried to convince them that since their parents were divorced they had to take "sides" and that they couldn't be "for" both of them at the same time. She literally tried to poison their minds against us. It didn't work with the boy. It worked with the daughter, only up the point where she had her own daugher. She got divorced 3 times since then. All that nastiness has caught up with her. She's mean, hateful, ugly, and alone. Her son only sees her when she calls, but he's immune to her. Her daughter refuses to even see or talk to her, and hasn't even been allowed to meet her grandkids.
Yes, I did have to "tolerate" her hatefulness until the kids reached 18, but she's not in our lives anymore. Not at all. And we have the love of ALL the kids, AND the grandkids.
All I can tell you is that it WILL pass. If you just hang in there, it WILL pass. You can make up your own little games along the way, just for your own amusement. One thing I used to do was misspell her new married name on all checks that I wrote, accidentally on purpose. It was Milewski---you can imagine how much fun I had with that one. I'd also send the kids back home with a new outfut every once in a while -- that used to really piss her off for some reason. I took them to the State Fair because she wouldn't and had a ball. I'd do things with them and I stayed their friend. That really got to her. I got good at playing head games with her, and it was fun. And she hated that I was prettier, sweeter, and more fun that she was. Just don't let her nonsense get TO you. And don't play HER game. That's the worst thing you can do. Play your own game. It's not up to you to try to convince her that your marriage will last.....I was always told never argue with drunks or idiots because even when you win, they don't know it. Time will proove her wrong.

Answer 3

This one is easy, hon....

She's a control freak, hon, and the best way to avoid these people is to just ignore them.... They hate that... what she wants you to do is react.. don't..... just don't. When she calls, say as little as possible, answer no questions, none, zero. Then end it as soon as possible, if you picked up the phone and didn't know it was she.... "Gee, Sarah, I am already late... I have to go now. Bye." Better yet, screen your calls. Don';t replay to her emails, never. repeat, NEVER. Your husband should do the same. If she begins to share things you don't want to hear (which is probably anything) or your husband doesn't want to hear, he needs to say, "Gee, Sarah, if there is something the kids, need, you'll need to e-mail me with the list. Otherwise, I'm in the middle of something. Bye." Never tell her what in the middle of something is, where your are going nor why you have to go, only that you cannot talk now. She'll get the idea. It is called "training" and it will take awhile. Just be consistent with the broken record. When she finds no one is reacting, she will become increasingly frustrated, but she will be stymied..... just watch The Dog Whisperer... same thing... you will be training her, except it will take a little longer than his method, but it is a method...

Answer 4

I've been in your shoes, I was alot younger, about 20yrs old when I experienced this exact situation.

This ex is basically unable to accept the fact that her ex has moved on and is happy. Don't give her or the devil the time of day. Woman are like that sometimes. All the thought and energy your putting into trying to make her do something you could be putting into your husband. Thinking of new ways to excite him, intise him, delight him. Feel me? (; Let her be the miserable battle axe that she is. F*ck her. Have trust in your man. Most of all have faith in God, that he'll protect your marriage from this sorry excuse of a female.

Keep your husband happy and satisfied with you. He will do nothing but love you more and more, and continue to try and be a good father to his children. The ex's hatred, anger and bitterness will eat her up, leaving you still standing....with your husband on your arm.

Answer 5

This is something that your husband needs to do. Please keep all the track of time and date when and what she calls you and e-mails you or your husband. Your husband needs to send her a letter with a notary stamp with registered mail, Telling her in a nice way to leave you alone and to stop her from calling you names or whatever. When he writes down he needs to first show you and then dont put anythink against anyone because this can be a paper you can show to court if things go wrong.

Answer 6

My best and closest friend is going through this.His ex-wife remarried(they had 3 adopted children) and still tries to make his life miserable.She likes to keep the upper hand over him even though they are no longer.To answer some of your questions:She wants him to be miserable and if getting through you works then She wins.She really wants him to lose and be there if she needs him for anything.Be strong and keep your ground.You will always be one up.(You have a strong marriage)

Answer 7

Just tell her that you and your husband need space. A lot of people go through your situation and it usually works out. I have too. I had a husband and same situation. I mean, i got though it and my husband spoke to her and said he loved the kids and didn't love her as much as he used too so it all worked out. Try this and it helps!

Answer 8

girl i am so sorry that you didn't have friends at the time you were dating him because a real friend would have told you to don't ever date a man who has an ex wife or kids!! OK he can have kids but only if his ex wife is dead!! because you will always have drama in your life!! if you love this man than the ex bi tch is a nightmare you are going to have to live with if you!!!

Answer 9

Just keep ignoring her (be civil but don't engage her) and make sure your husband is keeping their conversations strictly to topics relating to the kids and eventually when she isn't getting the attention from either of you that she so desperately wants, she'll stop harrassing you and look for it somewhere else.

Answer 10

the best thing to do is avoid her like you are and NEVER talk bad about her in front of the kids you should also talk to your man about her and work on this issue together it is always hard and if she find you a treat she will always make thing tough on you and she will probably talk bad about you to her kids so they don't like you women can be hateful I am sorry you are going threw this but be the bigger person no matter how hard it gets good luck

Answer 11

Sorry to say but it doesn't matter why she hates you. Why do women always need to know the "why" when often it doesn't matter one bit?

She is what she is and nothing is going to change it. Just keep you interaction with her to a minimum and ask your husband to try his best to keep you out of it too. She just hates to she him happy with you, and wants you to doubt him. Don't let her win.