am i wrong to feel this way?mature and honest answers only please?

Question

my fiance of 2 yrs has had money issues for the last 5 yrs(from a bad divorce)he inherited 20k last month,enough to pay off his debt.he told me he was going to do just that the problem is he has not.instead hes been buying expensive toys for his car($900),spending $500 on baseball tickets for him and his son,and numerous things here and there.when i asked him about this he said he has not had anything for him self in over 5 yrs and wants to spend some of the money on himself.I feel he should 1st pay off his debt then whats left spend it on these things.I will say i am maybe a little jealous as i have stood by him for 5yrs and with all this money he has not even given me flowers to say thanks for sticking this out with me.plus the reason we are not married is he can't "afford" to pay for his share (half) of the wedding about 6 k.

Answer 1

You are never wrong to 'feel' things. Everyone has a right to their own thoughts and feelings. It's what you do with them ... the decisions you make ... that can be right or wrong.

Hmmm ... I bet the $6K isn't the real reason you guys aren't married yet; and I'd be feeling hurt and angry if $6K was the excuse my fiance used for stalling. Regardless of the $20K, I think I'd suggest eloping; and if I didn't get agreement ... I'd move on.

Answer 2

I'll probably get a lot of heat for this answer, but I don't feel you are selfish or unwarranted in your concerns. Some people just aren't good with money. I wouldn't care that he didn't have toys for 5 yrs. He has a son and a future to plan. If his future and fun does not include sharing wedding expenses as previously planned, discussed and agreed upon, then he is not ready to move ahead.

I was worried about the same thing when my fiance (the spender/live for each day type) kept blowing through money I wanted to save for the future (house, retirement, children expense, etc). It seemed like everytime we got a tax refund it would "disappear" a few months later. Now he doesn't buy anything fancy. We pretty much drive hoop-tees, we don't go out to eat, the kids aren't wearing designer clothes....I just couldn't figure out why we were living paycheck to paycheck and blowing through tax returns (which is unexpected money so you should be able to keep some).

I ended up secretly cashing in my 401ks, paying off all the bills and sitting and waiting. I thought, "IF this next tax return 'disappears', so will I!"

I finally came clean on the 401ks. But I am happy to report the tax returns are not 'disappearing' anymore!

Answer 3

I don't think feelings are ever "wrong"... we feel what we feel, and we can't help it unless we are presenting with other evidence that changes our perception of things.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. You can see a whole lot of other, more important priorities for this money, but he hasn't let you be part of deciding how this money should be spent, as you might expect would be the case in a stable, long term relationship. I agree that the priorities that you've expressed would probably be the way I'd approach spending this money, too - it's just too easy to fritter away his inheritance on small things.

Try to avoid being jealous about this money, though. If your boyfriend senses that you think you "deserve" a share or a say in this money, he might be worried you have exactly the same attitude of his ex, who's apparently helped herself to a share of his net worth and left him in debt in the first place.

Hopefully if you stay upbeat, he'll find it in his heart to show his gratitude to you, and perhaps become more open to the idea of discussing how the remaining money should be used.

Answer 4

What you are seeing is a complete and total lack of self discipline and financial irresponsibility. You may want to take a hard look and how he is handling the money he has right now, because that is a sure sign of things to come. If he could pay off his debt, that is what he should do and then save up for the things he wants and has not been able to do for the past five years. Maybe you are better off not being married and can separate yourself financially from this guy before his spending habits become your problem as well.

Answer 5

You are entitled to feel the way you do, but he is entitled to spend *his* money the way HE sees fit. You can offer suggestions, but for the most part you would be out of line to dictate how he spends his money. Observe and take note - if you don't like what you see, think long and hard before marrying him; these patterns of money management are not likely to change. BTW, if you're insisting on a 12K wedding, the problem is yours, not his. If you wanted to get married, and the only thing that stood between you and the marriage were the 6K he doesn't seem to have, you would have found the way to make it happen: the marriage license costs 50 bucks. You are choosing to make the *wedding*, not the *marriage*, your priority - which you are entitled to, but don't put a blame on him for it. Neither of you is right or wrong, it just sounds like your priorities don't converge.

Answer 6

Sounds as thought the two of you are always going to have different opinions about budget. He sounds irresponsible with money. That may well be a reason his last marriage failed. The baseball tickets were excessive and your feelings for not being included in his spending are understandable. As for not being married because he won't contribute 6 k, that is just plain silly. If the two of you want to be married it can be done for a few hundred total. I have a feeling a marriage wouldn't last long no matter the cost of the wedding.

Answer 7

Ok yea some may be jealousy because you did proberly think with him coming into the money he would surprise you with a wedding you have talked about and he hasn't. This may even be a red flag that he is comfortable the way things are and you may have been given a shut up ring. On the other hand I would just tell him honey if you don't pay what you need to pay and get right back in debt I will love you but don't cry to me about it since you didn't fix it when you could have.
Good Luck

Answer 8

It's not wrong to feel that way, we can't control our emotions. But what you can do is talk to your fiancee and share your thoughts. Money is just one of the issues that need to be resolved before saying "I do". It's very important that you have an open communication with your partner. This is just the beginning. A lot of things will arise during the marriage. You don't want to be the next girl to give him 20k as divorce settlement to be spent on toys.=) Good luck! Hope everything turns out okay.

Answer 9

He sounds a bit fiscally immature if you ask me. Besides, paying what you owe symbolizes responsibility and good character.

Let's see ... the guy's already divorced. He's broke. And when he does get money, he does all the wrong things with it. They say money problems are the leading cause of divorce these days...

I hope you're not setting yourself up to repeat the same mistake his last wife made. Seems like you're seeing some pretty obvious red flags.

Good luck with that!

Answer 10

Whoa! Now, that is just not right. He sounds like he has got bitten by the money bug. Yes, he should have paid off his debts, first and foremost. If/when you guys do get married, does he expect you to help pay off those debts? It would be much better if you two married with no debt, and of course you are hurt and upset. I would feel as though his "toys" were more important than me, and that is no way to nurture a relationship.