My newlywed wife and I are dealing with trust issues and fidelity. She carried on a relationship into our marriage for a couple years. Got busted and lied about it on 2 dozen occasions and actually left me for the guy but we are working it out. We are both "mourning our single lives" but I am trying to work on our intimacy. She complained that I was not romantic enough and it drove her to another man but now I am trying by leaps and bounds to connect with her she is pulling away. When she would get distant before she was in love and starry eyed with this other guy. Now she is distant again and I am curious as to whats going on. She says I am insecure and I say it is because she lied and keeps being dishonest. Am I wrong to want to know whats going on? I don't want to give my heart 1,000% and she is just halfway in. I need to know.
2007-04-11 08:49:46 · 22 answers · asked by Magnus01 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I slapped a key logger on the computer to just make sure that everything is OK. She hasn't been e-mailing anybody or been in contact with the guy she was involved with but she demands privacy and me wanting to know everything is driving her crazy. She points out that she does not go through my things (but I haven't been cheating) I need to respect her and give her space or else it just slows her down in being a better person. It sounds like crap to me. If you want to be a better person then you just do it. If your partner is "reasonably" curious every now and then thats not cause to go back to the behavior that started the problems in the first place.
2007-04-11 10:12:05 · update #1
I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife is not ready for marriage at all. When you get married you do not "mourn your single life". You should never get married if you enjoy partying by yourself or with friends and meeting new people all the time. Marriage is for living a life with another person and sharing everything with that person, your experiences, your joys, your sorrows and your body as well. She is pulling away from you because she doesn't want to be married.
2007-04-11 08:59:50 · answer #1 · answered by SchrodingersTigress 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's going to have to deal with your insecurity until she has proven to you that she will not do again what she did. Actually, she is not holding up her end of the bargain. She has to deal with the pain she caused you, and the work that is going to go into your healing if she wants to work on this marriage. Part of that means that she can't withdraw and be distant because she needs to be doing the work to make you feel secure. She's being selfish in doing this.
It sounds to me that she is not committed to putting the work into resolving these issues that she should be. Why are you mourning your single life? Two people should enter into marriage only when they are ready, and perhaps you two were not ready. Why do you want to work this out with her? Why do you feel she deserves this second chance. I can almost see forgiving someone for cheating once, but to have a full-fledged pre-meditated relationship is in my opinion unforgivable (and I am a very forgiving person).
My point is, if she is so selfish that she can't give you what you need in your time when you need to heal, then what are you fighting for really?
2007-04-11 08:58:44 · answer #2 · answered by RuaLinnet 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. I hate to say it but neither one of you have the skills you need to work it out on your own. You both should consider going to couples counseling. Your constant clinging, talking, wondering will be enough to drive her away - just as a womans clinging will drive a man away. The fact is, she cheated on you and will more than likely do it again and you don't trust her. She is making excuses and manipulating you. In your situation, your the wife and she's the husband. You can get into therapy the both of you and learn how to deal or you can leave her for someone who will treat you with some respect. Don't let her be a *****. You know what you know and that's all you need to know. Good luck.
2007-04-11 09:07:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really depends on the mother-in-law most of the time. Mothers who cling to a special, exclusionary relationship with their child are definitely going to butt heads with the wife of that child. I've seen that happen too many times to count. I love my daughters but they owe their first allegiance to their spouses. In fact, I've made lots of decisions based on staying out of the relationships between my daughters and their husbands. Consequently, I've got good relationships with the entire family. I realize that the daughter/son-in-law can be the problem. There's very little a mother can do when the child's spouse makes it difficult for her to see the child. That's hard. The basic problem whether it's the mother or the wife/husband is a lack of trust and usually a lack of self-esteem. Grown up people don't need to force the folks that they "love" to choose one or the other.
2016-05-17 21:34:08 · answer #4 · answered by leah 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kick her out and get a divorce. A leopard can't change it's spots, and neither can she. She'll keep doing this because your not man enough to say enough is enough. Suck it up man!!!
Go to an atty. get the paperwork done and kick her @SS TO THE CURB. There are plenty of good women out there that won't cheat, lie and steal from you.
You should have a prenup before getting married again, and it needs to be longer than 4 or 5 pages.
If you don't get a divorce one day she'll just move him into your house, because you have let her continue this without putting a stop to it.
Hope this helps
2007-04-11 09:06:09 · answer #5 · answered by walker9842 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that her heart is still with the other man and that she is still with him. I think you deserve to know why your wife is distant from you and most people would try to explain why they were acting that way unless there was something to hide. Sorry you should not have to leap through hoops to make her happy, being more romantic can be the little things to. Simply put her heart is not completely available to you
2007-04-11 08:58:38 · answer #6 · answered by xyz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my gosh. I feel so bad for you! This women has lied, cheated, and is continuing to do so. Baby, if she lied 2 dozen times already, why in the hell would you ever trust another thing she ever said or did?
I know you love her, but it sounds like this marriage was over when it started.
2007-04-11 08:56:45 · answer #7 · answered by bina64davis 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope there are no kids involved.
I don't see this ending well.
She is blaming you?
You are a doormat sir, and she will certainly take advantage of that over and over again.
You are working too hard - and she is the opposite.
You do not have a marriage of equals.
It does not make you a failure to admit a mistake.
Please dump her before she gets pregnant - and go see a therapist to find out why you are taking all this crap.
2007-04-11 08:55:41 · answer #8 · answered by Stan W 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
file for divorce, leave her alone and move on. She will always come to you when she gets dumped and is lonely, cause she know you are the Idiot who will take her back each time. If you want to be used and abused by her keep it up, if you have even 2 ounce of sense in you, you will run far away from her and find a woman who shares your love with you.
2007-04-11 09:02:31 · answer #9 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U have every right to question what is going on with her.
The two of you apparently havent dealt with the root of the problem. Sounds like u may need some professional help to reveal the truth.
I suggest counceling. Good luck.
2007-04-11 08:57:33 · answer #10 · answered by Truth Teller 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋